Miriam Lord's Week

Like the German for ‘against’; picking through the puddles; doubling as a sandbag; the famed No 13; Beatling about; Bertie’s reservations; signing off

CONGRATULATIONS TO incoming European commissioner Máire Geoghegan-Quinn on securing the research and innovation portfolio.

MEP Maireád McGuinness tells us in her blog that the mandarins in Brussels have had to issue advice to our EU partners on the proper pronunciation of Geoghegan-Quinn’s name. According to them, it’s “maw-ra-gay-gen-kwin (the middle name is like the German word gegen).” Thank you for that, Maw-raid. By the way, gegen means “against” in German, which may or may not be a good omen.

At least it’s just Máire’s name that will have them flummoxed in Europe – they couldn’t understand a word that came out of Charlie McCreevy’s mouth.

Innovation portfolio a smart fit for Cowen

Maw-ra’s appointment was announced from behind closed doors by the Taoiseach yesterday morning when he was on a “private” visit to the Intel plant in Leixlip. Journalists at the gates were treated to a little wave from Biffo when he swept past them in his Merc, but nothing else.

He used his speech to break the news of MGQ’s new job. “I am delighted to announce today that we have secured the hugely important research and innovation portfolio, which resonates very strongly with our own smart economy agenda,” he told his audience.

While he was still on his feet, his speech – along with a separate press release on the commissioner’s portfolio – was e-mailed to media outlets and read by the bemused hacks waiting outside.

The Taoiseach’s people might argue that it is their host’s prerogative not to allow journalists and camera crews on to their premises, but once outside the gates, he was free to stop and say whatever he wanted. After all, he had used the occasion to make an announcement. But despite numerous requests to his handlers for a few words, Biffo was even quicker leaving the premises than he was arriving. You can’t really blame him. The Taoiseach mustn’t be feeling very sociable at the moment, following another disastrous week for him on the public relations front.

His lumbering progress around the flooded towns of Ireland only served to annoy people who are up to their oxters in water and up to their back teeth in sympathy.

His was the awkwardness of a decent man staring into a calamity and unable to turn on the political patter. So he gingerly picked his way through the puddles in between helicopter trips and offered words of comfort when people wanted to see signs of action.

What they wanted was a beacon of hope – they definitely didn’t need to see another wet blanket. The ill-judged announcement of an initial €12 million aid package further infuriated a public already spitting over the billions paid to the banks and mindful of the many more billions pledged to save the pork industry when it was threatened. Subsequent assurances that more money would be provided did little to soothe distraught householders and business people.

By Thursday, television images of the hapless Taoiseach being berated by angry women in Athlone during the midlands leg of his uninspiring squelch-abouts only added to his troubles. So maybe it was for the best that Biffo didn’t stop to talk when visiting Intel yesterday. No point in tempting fate when fate is so clearly conspiring against you.

Those dreadful YouTube monologues – no questions asked – might be the safest way for him to go.

No 98 in our list of 101 things to do with a taoiseach is . . .

Well done to Adrian Quinn of Athlone for supplying both the quote of the week and an excellent contribution to the list “101 Uses for a Taoiseach”. Mr Quinn, a beleaguered householder battling a lake of rising floodwater around his home, was asked on Thursday by Newstalk’s Eamon Keane what he would do if the Taoiseach stopped off to visit. “We could get him into a boat if he wants to and he could lie down as a sandbag.”

Biffo and BOD have a lot in common, you know

How the Taoiseach must yearn for the carefree good old days, when he didn’t have to watch his Ps and Qs and life was good for a sporty young deputy. His hard-man exploits on the hurling field are legendary, but it was his prowess with the oval ball that was recalled in the Dáil bar on Thursday night when public servant Eoin Faherty retired after many years working in Leinster House. Eoin, besides having served as clerk to many Oireachtas committees and also as secretary to the British Irish Body, is also manager of the Oireachtas rugby team. Many past and former players, along with assorted hangers-on and groupies turned up for his retirement drinks. Brian Cowen was unable to make the party, although he turned out for the Oireachtas selection when they travelled to South Africa in 1995 and played the local parliamentarians.

According to our source, little is remembered of Biffo’s contribution, apart from the fact that he didn’t score and “didn’t let us down”. He played second centre – the same role as Brian O’Driscoll.

The Irish parliamentarians are playing their South African counterparts this morning at the Old Belvedere ground in a curtain-raiser to today’s big international. Team captain Simon Coveney (FG) has an impressive panel of players at his disposal. But enough about the new intake of new beefy young parliamentary assistants. Simon can also call upon Jimmy Deenihan and John Paul Phelan of Fine Gael, along with Fianna Fáil’s MJ Nolan, Seán Power, Jimmy Devins and Michael Ahern. Junior minister Conor Lenihan is also expected to tog out as “an impact sub”. The South African team is captained by the ANC’s Patrick Chauke, and included in the travelling party is Nick Kornhoff, former parliamentary assistant to FW De Klerk. Nick played against Brian Cowen in 1995 but could not be coaxed into saying anything scurrilous about his rugby rival.

Chips in the middle of the day, is nothing sacred?

Of course, the Dáil bars and restaurants were closed on Tuesday due to the strike by public sector workers. One day without sustenance for deputies and Senators. One day when they would have to either bring in their lunches or go outside the gates and buy their grub.

Do the staff not know how important they are? Obviously not, because when a request came down from on high for soup and sandwiches to be made in advance and left in the kitchens on Tuesday for the poor politicians, the answer was a definite “No”.

Quite right too. The giraffes above in Dublin Zoo don’t have that amount of neck.

When the staff opened up again for business on Wednesday, it was like the canteen had been closed for months. The lunchtime trade was so busy they ran out of spuds before the end of service. This emergency led to an unprecedented catering occurrence in Leinster House.

Chips were served.

Someone, many years ago, decreed that chips are never to be served at lunchtime on a sitting day. It’s all to do with decorum and setting the right tone. Chips may be served at teatime, but not in the middle of the day.

Many deputies and Senators, when told of the potato crisis, hailed the event as a culinary watershed.

“I thought I would never see this happen in my lifetime,” confided a rural deputy as he rushed to the counter with a side-plate, fork and sachet of vinegar. “And I’m only after having me dinner too.”

Take our advice Paul – just let it be

Returning to Maw-Raid McGuinness’s blog, which we mentioned at the start. Having mused about the possible portfolio that might be given to Maw-Ra Gay-Gen-Kwin, the FG MEP for Ireland East turns her thoughts to future business.

“Next week I link up with Sir Paul McCartney, yes the man who used to be one of The Beatles! We are on opposite sides of what will be a very hot debate on livestock and climate change.

“He wants us all to go vegetarian as the solution to climate change. I disagree,” says Mairead, promising “more of that debate next week”.

Sir Paul would be advised to play it low key and not to sing under any circumstances. Because if he does, Mairead will sing back at him, only longer, and louder.

We’ve seen it happen before.

If she decides to take you on, take our advice Paul: “Let it Be”.

It wasn’t off the ground Bertie got it

Bertie Ahern spent a lot of his formative years around All Hallows College in Drumcondra. His Da worked on the farm at the seminary and the Bert has fond memories of the time spent there.

He often says he got his love of the soil and his affinity with farming and country people from All Hallows. But maybe that’s not all that entered the sharp mind of the young Ahern.

In yesterday’s Irish Times, Patsy McGarry wrote about “the church concept” of ‘mental reservation’ as outlined in the Murphy report. This allowed churchmen to knowingly mislead people “without being guilty of lying”. He points us to Cardinal Desmond Connell’s explanation of the concept: “Well, the general teaching about mental reservation is that you are not permitted to tell a lie. On the other hand, you may be put in a position where you have to answer, and there may be circumstances in which you can use an ambiguous expression realising that the person who you are talking to will accept an untrue version of whatever it may be – permitting that to happen, not willing that it happened, that would be lying . . . So mental reservation is, in a sense, a way of answering without lying.” The report cites an example of “mental reservation” put forward the cardinal.

He said he didn’t lie to the media about whether diocesan funds had been used to compensate abuse victims. He said told journalists “that diocesan funds ARE [report’s emphasis] not used for such a purpose; that he had not said that diocesan funds WERE not used for such a purpose. By using the present tense he had not excluded the possibility that diocesan funds had been used for such purpose in the past.” Mental reservation.

It’s as good a way as any to describe Bertie’s evidence to the Mahon tribunal.

Young Carroll raises eyebrows on the way up

Senators did their best to look happy when James Carroll – tall, dark, handsome and 26 years of age — was welcomed into the Seanad as the first Oireachtas member born in the 1980s.

James, who certainly seems to be on Fianna Fáil’s fast track, was lucky enough to enjoy an unopposed run for the late Tony Kett’s vacant seat. A former president of UCD student union and chairman of the college’s Fianna Fáil cumann, young Carroll worked as a parliamentary assistant for deputy Margaret Conlon before getting the nod for the Seanad from headquarters.

Senator Fiona O’Malley was rather ungracious when she welcomed him to the Upper House: “I thought it was a joke because I thought one would at least have to go through the ritual of arranging an election but I congratulate him on his appointment. He will never have it as easy from now on.” Labour’s Michael McCarthy retorted: “Says she who was appointed by the Taoiseach.” However, the smooth passage of James Carroll has not gone unremarked in political circles. Eyebrows were raised when he was returned unopposed. Was the absence of a Fine Gael candidate a sign that Enda’s stated wish to abolish the Upper House has been embraced by all members of the party? That would make sense, were it not for the fact that FG will contest the next Seanad elections, and the party also intends to field a candidate for the next Seanad byelection, a chap from Monaghan called Eoin Bannigan.

There are two theories doing the rounds. The first is that the party didn’t get its act together in time and failed to put a candidate in place. The second is that they had agreed a candidate with Labour, and that individual pulled out at the last minute.

A spokesman for the party said yesterday that they decided not to contest the election as they had no chance of winning. But given the numbers, the same holds true for Bannigan. A party has to fly the flag nonetheless.

“We tried to get some from the disability sector but that didn’t work out,” he said. So perhaps the story of the candidate backing out is the real reason.

What nobody believes is that it was never intended to contest the seat.

And the last word on the PDs goes to . . .

Finally, a little notice appears in Iris Oifigiúil from Clerk of the Dáil, Kieran Coughlan, under the heading “Register of Irish Political Parties”. It pithily says: “Pursuant to Section 25A of the Electoral Act 1992, inserted by Section 11 of the Electoral (Amendment) Act, I hereby give notice that I propose to cancel the registration in the Register of Political Parties of the Progressive Democrats, 25 South Frederick Street, Dublin 2.”

That’s that, so.