MIRIAM LORD'S WEEK

Baywatch in the Seanad; a very slow news cycle; lofty ambitions for Spás cadets; and the workers at the coalface of the great hair affair

A MINOR drama is unfolding in the Seanad, with a well-regarded Fianna Fáil senator threatening to filibuster from now until the end of next year if the Government doesn't give him a fair hearing on the future of his local harbour.

Denis O'Donovan says he has deep reservations about a Bill going though the Seanad which proposes to amalgamate smaller harbour companies with their larger neighbours. In Denis's case, this means his beloved Bantry Bay will be lumped in with Cork Harbour - a situation which he says will be to the advantage of neither party.

The Bill is currently at the committee stage, and O'Donovan has already talked for nearly 10 hours on amendments to it. When it was last up for discussion, he was on his feet for three hours until fellow Corkonian Jerry Buttimer took pity on him and called a quorum.

"In fairness to Jerry, he gave me a breather. I used the opportunity to go to the bathroom and get a glass of water for my throat."

The harbour issue has unsettled quite a number of Fianna Fáil deputies for Cork and surrounding constituencies, and it has led to heated exchanges at parliamentary party meetings. Minister Noel Dempsey's refusal to meet so far with O'Donovan has not gone down well.

The Bantry-based solicitor says he was promised there would be proper consultation with local interests before any decision is made. Now, the word coming down from the Minister is that the measure is purely "an enabling Bill" and after it passes into law, consultation will still take place.

"Instead of a shotgun marriage, there should be prior courtship," fumes Denis. "I'm very angry. Once the Bill goes through, he doesn't have to consult anyone. The amalgamation can be done with the stroke of a pen."

So he intends to keep talking in the Seanad on behalf of the fishermen, the mussel and clam farmers and local industrial interests.

"I've enough ammo for 12 months if I have to. On top of the 15 amendments tabled, I've a further 25 of my own. I can talk about Bantry Bay until the cows come home." Denis has 18 reports to draw upon, some of which "are quite voluminous, and more to come".

O'Donovan hopes common sense will prevail. He has heard some encouraging words from the Taoiseach, and has had private expressions of support from "senior people in the party." If the Bill continues to the final stages in its current guise, "I will be in a very difficult position", he adds.

"I feel deeply emotional about this. I was born on the shores of Bantry Bay, the second-finest bay in the world. I've caught oysters and fished herring there. If I don't stand up for Bantry, nobody will.

"I'm up for the long fight."

Racing in low gear

Winner of this week's Oireachtas Slow Bicycle Race is Peter Kelly of Longford, who found himself in a spot of bother during the second stage debate on the Finance Bill.

Kelly has many talents, but oratorical skill doesn't immediately spring to mind. When he has to bat for the Government, he turns up on time and reads the supplied script at breakneck speed. Job done.

On Wednesday evening, Peter stood to speak. He was alone on the Government benches. The chair told him he had 20 minutes, but Peter was in possession of a short speech which he would normally rattle through in five.

To the great amusement, and admiration, of Opposition deputies, Peter adjusted his speed settings and moved off at the verbal equivalent of a snail's pace. Emphasising every word, he made a meal of syllables and employed great use of dramatic silences. At one stage, for no apparent reason, he uttered the word "pause" at the end of a sentence.

This begs the question: when Government backbenchers are sent out with their scripts, do they come with stage directions? It was a tour de force by Fianna Fáil's man in Longford. When the chair indicated he was approaching his final minute, Peter knew the end was in sight. But he had only a few short sentences left.

" . . . I welcome the cycle to work scheme, which is a great idea. Healthy in mind is healthy in body. We look forward to seeing people on their bicycles all over the country," he said, slowly.

Fine Gael's Sean Barret stepped in to help him over the line.

"Will you be cycling from Longford?" he asked, as the clock ran down.

And Peter was off. "Perhaps I should, because my grandfather, Pat Gibney from Bective Street, Kells, Co Meath, was a great cyclist. He was the all-Ireland one-mile grass cycling champion. He won the title in Virginia, Co Cavan.

"I come from a long line of cyclists. My family are all on the bike." (His family might have something to say about that.)

"I have to confess I have not been on a bike for a couple of years. However, after listening to Mary White, I intend to get out my bike and get on the move."

Flushed with success, his time exhausted, Peter finished up.

"The Finance Bill is a good place to start working together to achieve what we want. I commend the Bill to the House."

And he sat down.

Job done.

Spás: the final frontier

At Spás, the astronomical training arm of Fás, expenses are out of this world. But matters are different when the agency's high-fliers return to planet Earth.

In 2005, then minister for trade Micheál Martin launched the Fás strategic plan for 2006- 2009. It's called Building on our Vision. The plan has six "core values". One of them is cost-effectiveness.

As in: "Always conducting Fás business in a prudent manner and in accordance with best-practice compliance, governance and risk management. Protecting Fás resources and seeking out value for money in the work we do by achieving the greatest efficiency and effectiveness for the minimal cost."

But not in Spás, the astronomical arm, where Building Our Air Miles became the strategic vision.

Freedom fighters

Enda Kenny had a field day in the Dáil on Wednesday morning, waving his Fás documents at the Taoiseach and his gloomy Cabinet. But the real heroes of the hour were party researcher Paul O'Brien and press officer Nick Miller, who spent six hours holed up in Fás headquarters on Monday, poring over thousands of documents while officials silently watched. The party lodged so many Freedom of Information requests in recent months, the agency finally got in contact and invited them to come over and go through the stuff themselves.

O'Brien and Miller photocopied a huge amount of files, all in relation to the Fás Science Challenge, and returned with them to headquarters. They expect thousands more to arrive during the week.

Credit to junior Minister Billy Kelleher though, who went on Morning Ireland to address the unfolding Fás/Spás story. He tried to push the Government line of the day, which was to insist that the controversy is "a distraction" from the very excellent work done by the agency. Waffling with some aplomb, he declared: "I want to chronologicalise this . . . "

Morning Ireland's John Murray has just published an entertaining book about this sort of political bull. Following his performance, Billy has ensured his place in any further editions of Now That's What I Call Jargon. In fact, Kelleher is beginning to sound more and more like his senior Government and constituency colleague Micheál Martin.

At this rate, people will start calling him Mini-Me . . .

Ministerial footprints

Dermot Ahern suffered a bit of a comedown in circumstances when he went from foreign affairs to justice. The bad news is that his dinner jacket is in mothballs. The good news is that his carbon footprint is tiny. When details of the Cabinet's carbon emissions were released recently, the Minister for Justice came out best with emissions of just 0.49 tonnes.

The biggest figures are from the Department of Foreign Affairs. Not surprisingly, Dick Roche is hastening the demise of the poor polar bear with, by far, the most emissions.

Both Green Ministers are way above "best practice" targets. However, John Gormley pleads that most of his carbon emissions relate to the long-haul trip he took to Bali last year for the UN conference on, er, climate change.

Meanwhile, Dermot Ahern is cock-a-hoop and proclaiming his Green credentials.

The Minister recently installed solar panels in his home overlooking the sea in Dundalk. He also has a wood chip stove and recycles everything.

Windsurfer Dermot is now looking at the option of surfing to Sandymount from Blackrock beach in Louth and getting the crossbar from John Gormley in Ringsend for the final leg to Leinster House.

Credit where it's due

In an interview earlier this month the morning after a major drug seizure off Mizen Head, a jubilant Willie O'Dea claimed that a high-profile drug bust over a year earlier had also been successfully tracked by the security forces.

Listening to this was the Sage of Goleen, PJ Sheehan, who knew his local Coast Guard unit was responsible for the smugglers being brought to justice.

Goleen Coast Guard had gone to assist a stricken boat when they realised they had rumbled a smuggling operation. They immediately alerted the Garda and the Navy.

PJ took his annoyance to the Dáil and tried to have the record corrected by O'Dea. Willie ducked the question, insisting he could not discuss Garda intelligence matters. But the veteran Fine Gael TD bided his time, and last week, he reeled in his slippery fish. Faced with more questions, Willie had no choice but to make a strategic withdrawal.

"I gave a radio interview in which I indicated that the passage of the yacht had been tracked prior to the capture of its illicit cargo off the south west coast in July 2007 . . . " began Willie.

"I may not have clearly conveyed the retrospective nature of this tracking exercise and I am happy to now clarify and detail the work of the Naval Service in this regard." PJ was able to return to Goleen this weekend with the honour of the Coast Guard restored.

Saddles on greyhounds?

The subject of the Green Party and bicycles is one that members on all sides of the House find endlessly hilarious. Since the Budget, they've been knocking hours of happy fun out of the tax breaks for cyclists.

Here's a puzzling exchange between Fine Gael's Bernard Durkan and that well-known student of the form, Ceann Comhairle John O'Donoghue: Bernard was poking fun at the details of the tax measure. "It has now been generally agreed that saddles will be put on the bicycles as well." To which O'Donoghue replied: "I don't mind as long as they're not being put on greyhounds as well."

Faint praise

Greens TD Mary White issued a ringing endorsement of her Taoiseach on RTÉ's Leader's Questions broadcast last Wednesday morning.

Anchorman David McCullough asked her to assess Cowen's performance. "I thought the Taoiseach was very calm in his response," replied Mary.

So he didn't lose the head. Suppose it's better than nothing.