Mortified Enda tells tales about the neighbours from hell

DÁIL SKETCH:FOR THE last 100 days, all they have been doing is apologising.

You see, they had let the house in Europe to a large, respectable government and everything seemed fine. When they handed over the keys the place was in pristine condition. They got on well with the neighbours, who were the soul of generosity.

It was a long lease.

Fianna Fáil finally moved out in February of this year (actually they were turfed out) but disturbing reports of their behaviour had begun to drift back to Ireland before then.

When Fine Gael and Labour returned they couldn’t believe their eyes. Their cherished place in Europe had been trashed. And their name was mud with the neighbours.

Stories began to surface of arrogant behaviour by the former tenants, who rarely turned up at any of the community meetings, and when they did, it was only to boast about money and lecture everyone on their brilliance.

It was all champagne and big dinners and chauffeur-driven cars. When they weren’t off attending race meetings and lighting cigars with €50 notes, they were looking down their noses at their plodding colleagues on the other side of the fence. (Actually, it seems they broke the fence and couldn’t be bothered mending it).

The German and French neighbours silently fumed, contenting themselves with the knowledge that pride comes before a fall.

And there was a massive fall. Fianna Fáil was forced to downsize, leaving behind enormous debts.

Now the new Government is trying to pick up the pieces.

This was the grim picture painted by the Taoiseach yesterday. To say he is mortified is an understatement.

After the general election, delighted to have the house keys back, Enda Kenny packed up the camper van and headed for the continent with Eamon Gilmore in the passenger seat and Michael Noonan in the back.

They were so happy they sang all the way across on the ferry.

But when they reached their destination, the singing stopped.

“What I discovered, in the context of other things, was that the relationship of this country with our European partners was nothing short of disgraceful,” Enda told the Dáil.

Apparently, when Noonan called next door to Nicolas Sarkozy for a cup of sugar, the French president replied with a clipped “non” and shut the door in his face.

Then Enda called to his old friend Angela Merkel for a slice of her famous strudel and she coldly rebuffed him.

“Nein!” snorted Frau Merkel.

As the weeks unfolded, things just got worse as the neighbours lost no time in telling them about the behaviour of the previous tenants.

“Ministers in the last government did not attend meetings they were supposed to attend, and if they did speak, they spoke only on a confined basis about elements of this country and had no contribution to make in the broader context of Europe,” reported the Taoiseach.

“This country was always exceptionally highly rated by our European counterparts, but that slipped over a decade of non-attendance and non-participation and an arrogant assumption that this country was on top of the pile and would stay there.”

The guilty party – at least as the Taoiseach sees it – glowered across the chamber from the much-reduced Fianna Fáil benches. Highly disgusted.

“Back that up!” demanded Timmy Dooley. “Who told you that?”

Enda was aglow with righteous indignation. “The Tánaiste and I, along with every other Minister, have worked hard to restore the reputation of this country.”

Happily for the Taoiseach his Tánaiste was not present to dilute the effectiveness of his argument. We can’t look at Eamon Gilmore these days without seeing him in Africa last week, wearing a frightened grin and a Foxford rug over his city suit while clutching a Maasai warrior’s shield.

Timmy Dooley couldn’t come to terms with it either as he was lectured on Eamon’s heroic efforts to restore our dignity in Europe. “Where did he do that? Was it Tanzania?”

The Fianna Fáil leader was understandably stung by Enda’s harsh comments given that he was minister for foreign affairs for much of the time in question.

“The assertion he has just made about ministers in the former government is a most reprehensible one. It is a low charge that has no substance, and he should withdraw it.”

Lucinda Creighton, Minister of State for European Affairs, didn’t agree. “Check the record,” she cried.

Micheál was fuming. “The commitment of previous ministers to Europe, during former presidencies and over the past 12 months, has been extraordinary across the board.”

Dick Roche’s ears must have been burning. Europe was his life. Unfortunately he was a TD for Wicklow.

Enda believes they are slowly mending the fence Micheál denies his crowd knocked down. Deputy Martin reckons the Taoiseach could expedite matters by meeting the neighbours face to face.

“The last time I met President Sarkozy in Brussels he agreed that we must have a meeting; he said this more than once,” countered Enda rather defensively.

Perhaps the Government should send around a box of Kerrygold and a barrel of Guinness. That usually does the trick with the continentals.