Never mind the ECB, sparky Lucinda acts as Enda's firewall

SKETCH:ENDA'S BACKSTOP may be to the firewall, but he battles on against the creeping contagion – and by his side is the Admirable Creighton. There's a woman you'd want at your shoulder when the balloon goes up.

The Minister of State for Europe sat next to her commanding officer yesterday when the House discussed next week’s crucial Council of Europe meeting.

With the save the euro summit drawing near, the atmosphere became fraught. The normally courtly exchanges between Enda and Shane Ross took on a hard edge, while his fellow independent deputy, Stephen Donnelly, also signalled his disquiet.

Naturally, Sinn Féin was shocked, appalled, sickened and dismayed by the whole situation. As for Micheál Martin, he is deeply unimpressed by Enda’s approach to the euro crisis.

“Ireland is standing idly by while Rome burns,” he quivered.

It fell to Lucinda Creighton to make the closing statement. She began by taking a mild swipe at former stockbroker Ross, the Winston Churchtown of Dublin South. “We now understand that Deputy Ross does not believe in European solidarity or in any of the positive solutions that may be put on the table next week,” she remarked.

“None of them were mentioned in the Taoiseach’s speech,” harrumphed Winston.

“ ’Twas baloney!” yelped Mattie McGrath.

Lucinda froze him with a stare. Then she turned her attention to Micheál, unhappy with his constant sniping at her leader. “Deputy Martin and others have suggested that the Government has not set out a path or communicated its views. I know the deputy’s initial period in opposition was difficult . . . ” she began.

“No it was not!” bridled Micheál. Lucinda ignored the interruption “. . . because he was trying to play the statesman and work constructively with the government.”

“I was not playing anything!”

Lucinda, lighting the touch paper, noted there had been more engagement on Europe from Sinn Féin. The Shinners nodded their heads in approval. True for ya, Lucinda.

Micheál protested that we’re in the middle of a crisis.

Indeed, and the only opposition engagement had come from Sinn Féin, insisted the Minister, twisting the knife.

“That’s not true.”

And not only that, but the Fianna Fáil leader referred to a recent meeting of the joint committee on European Affairs as “nonsense.”

“I did not.”

“You did.” Lucinda worked the crowd. “He said it was ‘nonsense’.”

“I said the Government’s articulation of what happened was ‘nonsense’.”

So the Minister referred him to the official record. “This is pathetic!” wailed Micheál.

She told him to keep an eye on his deputies. Only one FF TD showed up to that two-hour committee meeting. He stayed for about 10 minutes.

Independent former Fianna Fáiler Mattie McGrath heckled in Micheál’s defence.

But the FF TD didn’t stay, repeated Lucinda, winding Micheál up no end.

“Ah, this is silly stuff.”

Well, other opposition deputies, particular those from Sinn Féin, engaged in very constructive discussion. “This is childish,” pouted Micheál.

Enda hunkered down in the trenches beside her, smiling. G’wan Lucy! Sock it to him!

On they went. She suggested he should be making sure his colleagues attended important committee meetings. “Pathetic nonsense!” And in any case, he said, they were very busy. They traded blows. Enda still with that look on his face: “G’wan Lucinda, ya good thing!” And she did.

“Deputy Martin likes to fling accusations across the floor of the House when he thinks somebody from the media might be present. He prefers to play to the gallery, rather than getting down to the nitty-gritty of working on constructive engagement as we did at the Joint Committee on European Affairs yesterday.”

Micheál, steam coming out of his ears, insisted he was always constructive. “No proposals have been made,” sniffed Lucinda.

“I’m fed up of being inside here and hearing nothing from the Government about anything to do with European affairs.”

Well, go to the meetings so, suggested his tormentor. The Leas-Cheann Comhairle looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown. “I ask the Minister of State to address her remarks through the chair.”

Thankfully, there wasn’t a chair, because Micheál would have put Lucinda through it.

As it turned out, there was no reason for everybody to be so snippy. Enda had already told the Dáil what the world wanted to hear. “I have an answer to the problem and it is that the European Central Bank must be involved in providing an effective and credible backstop or firewall in respect of countries where contagion exists.” We’re saved.