Opposition's anniversary bash for Biffo

DAIL SKETCH:TAOISEACH Brian Cowen is a year in the job today.

He won’t be in the Dáil to mark the occasion.

So Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore grabbed the opportunity yesterday to wrap this political milestone around the Taoiseach’s neck. They shovelled on the disdain with undisguised relish.

“Thanks for wishing me well on my first anniversary,” shrugged Biffo, after the Fine Gael leader had torn his performance over the last 12 months to shreds.

“I join with Deputy Kenny in marking the first anniversary of the Taoiseach’s elevation to office,” began the Labour leader, with touching insincerity.

“I hope there won’t be a second one. I don’t know how it’s been for him, but it’s been pretty lousy for the rest of us.” This was an insult too far for Arts Minister, Martin Cullen, who stirred from his slumber on the front bench and retaliated with a wholly inappropriate quip.

“It’s only lousy for the Opposition.” (They don’t get to travel with State cars under their backsides, helicopters at their beck and call and flunkies to act on their every whim. Who’d be in Opposition?) Deputy Gilmore – Affronted of Dún Laoghaire – was appalled by this crass intervention. “Never mind the Opposition,” he spluttered. “Let us think for a second about the people we represent!” Labour bruiser, Willie Penrose, let fly at the Minister, who was already beginning to subside after his little intervention.

“Fifty one million hangin’ out of your ears!” bellowed Willie, in an apparent reference to the e-voting machines.

Not a peep out of Martin after that.

There was to be no comfort for Biffo on the eve of his anniversary, just a litany of the mishaps and catastrophes that have befallen his Government since he took over.

The two sides of the house indulged in a lacklustre exchange of views on the banking crisis and the whether or not the Taoiseach has made “a bags” of running the country. Perhaps it’s the forthcoming election, but minds didn’t appear fully focused on the row in hand.

“I will resist the temptation to engage in political argy bargy with the Taoiseach,” sniffed Eamon at one point. “That’ll be a first,” retorted Willie O’Dea from under his moustache.

“Bang! Bang!” Fine Gael’s Tom Sheahan shouted at the Minister for Defence. “Bang! Bang!” In truth, there was only one topic under discussion around Leinster House, and that was the arrival on the political stage of RTÉ’s former economics editor, George Lee, Deppity to Be.

Not content with “unveiling” George on the steps of the Merrion Hotel on Tuesday, Fine Gael arranged a second coming at teatime outside Kildare Street.

This time, party leader Enda Kenny was in attendance and he escorted George out to the waiting photographers, the two sitting deputies in Dublin South in tow. Alan Shatter and Olivia Mitchell stood by and smiled gamely as Enda and his candidate in the Dublin South byelection shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. “Just George and Enda” shouted the snappers urgently, instructing them to clear off out of the shot.

“You know, they last met each other about six years ago,” marvelled a party handler, as if the two were to be congratulated on recognising each other after such a long time apart.

The Livingstone and Stanley of Fine Gael then held a press conference on the footpath, competing for attention with belching buses and noisy exhausts.

Enda kicked it off, George standing beside him and the other two hovering in the background.

“George is well able to speak for himself,” said Enda, “but he’s looking forward to this campaign, which is a new experience for him, a new adventure in his life and he’s looking forward with Alan Shatter and Olivia Mitchell to canvassing in Dublin South.” And George Lee, Deppity to Be, said nothing.

“I can – hand on heart – say I have not spoken to George Lee before he made this decision. There was nothing asked and nothing promised. This is a case of somebody whom I have a great regard for actually making a decision himself to offer himself to the FG party as a candidate.” A sacrificial Lee? Questions followed. Enda and the journalists talked about George and his position in the party. “Where does he stand?” “Can he look forward to some sort of elevated position? Does he take sugar in his tea? Finally, George Lee, Deppity to Be, got a chance to speak. Off he went, very impressive he was too. Inda Kenny beamed.

Alan and Olivia were asked how if they were happy with the new arrival on their patch. “Absolutely,” insisted Olivia. “We’re absolutely delighted to have somebody of George’s skills and his passion, I think, is a very welcome addition to Fine Gael.” Absolutely.

George seemed a little shellshocked by the attention. “I’ll be glad when the convention is over,” he whispered, “then things might settle down a bit.” Not sure about that. Since lunchtime on Tuesday, when his candidature was confirmed, Fianna Fáilers in the House have been muttering about George’s “impartiality” when he was delivering his assessments of Government financial policy over the airwaves. “I don’t really need to defend it, because people know it themselves that I was straight,” he says.

His new colleagues were full of stories of how, on the Tuesday night canvass, all the talk on the doorsteps was about George Lee. Although Fergus O’Dowd told us of the woman in Drogheda who told him she was delighted for Fine Gael as she always loved Charlie Bird.