Queasy Greens looking a little off-colour

DÁIL SKETCH:DÁIL STATEMENTS on the Challenges Facing the Health Service could not have come at a more crucial time.

But first, we have to go to a commercial break . . .

Bell above doorway rings.

Grey-haired man wearing spectacles and a pained expression enters bicycle shop. Tall man in corduroys greets him.

“Are you alright John?” He taps his little tweed tummy and murmurs: “I’m just feeling a little bloated.” Minister Ryan steps forward, sympathetically knowing smile on his face. “Oh, I get that too. Try this – Inactivit. I take it all the time. It contains Biffodus bio-standem, which helps relieve the bloated ministerial transits of Greens feeling uncomfortable with Government cuts.”

Minister Gormley perks up. “Inactivit? That’s the one for me. Now I don’t have to feel guilty about ministerial bloat.” He jumps into a helicopter and cries: “I love that Biffodus feeling!”

And so to the statements on the Challenges Facing the health service which were taken in the Dáil yesterday afternoon.

There are three immediate challenges facing the health services. Inexplicably, Minister for Health Harney failed to address them when she delivered her statement to the House. All she had to do was turn to her left and she could have addressed them directly – a trio of peaky-looking Greens, the only ones apparently strong enough to make the walk to the chamber.

Challenge one: Find, isolate and destroy the food item eaten by Green deputies at their recent convention which has induced a serious outbreak of queasiness, heartburn and bellyaching. It may be a case of contaminated bananas. (Perhaps not the entire case, but just a bad bunch.)

Two: Find a remedy quickly for Junior Minister Sargent’s upset tum. He said on radio that every time he thinks of how his party can’t do what it wants to do in the area of education, his “stomach turns”. Being in government with Fianna Fáil, it’s churning faster these days than Seanie FitzPatrick’s loans. He said his stomach turned again on Monday, for example, when he visited a school affected by the special needs cuts.

Trevor is an urgent case because more decisions are due in the coming months which will make the green Greens feel decidedly off-colour. At the moment, the Minister for Food is looking seedier than a field of bolted cabbages.

Third challenge: Is there a cure for Paul Gogarty? Some might say you just don’t have to listen to him. But seriously, since the Green convention, he too has been stricken by some sort of bug.

He told Sean O’Rourke on Monday’s lunchtime news that Trevor, with his somersaulting stomach, was only suffering mildly compared to his affliction. Gogarty is so despairing of Government decisions in the education area that it “makes me vomit continuously”.

Queasy Gogo wasn’t in the chamber yesterday for the Order of Business and Health statements. Perhaps he was somewhere organising a heave.

We hope it wasn’t all over his beloved laptop.

Maybe that’s why his three colleagues – Mary White (pale) Ciarán Cuffe (ashen) and Trevor Sargent (wan) – braved the Dáil without waterproofs. They arrived at the same time as Mary Harney. She looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed compared to her coalition colleagues, who looked Green around the gills. Perhaps she was keeping an eye on them until her opposite number, Dr James Reilly of Fine Gael, made an appearance.

Time for another ad break . . .

Three men are sitting on a comfy sofa. Two are speaking, the other listens with a sour expression on his face.

“Are you alright, Inda?” Indakinny shakes his head. “I’m just feeling a little bloated. I want to be able to let off some hot air in the chamber and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes.”

Eamon Gilmore smiles, knowingly. “Oh, I get that too. Try this – Actimaggot. I take it all the time. It contains Biffodus Heckularis, which helps relieve the frustration of Opposition bloat.” Inda perks up.

“Actimaggot? Yerra, that’s the boy for me. Now I can get stuck into the Taoiseach.” He punches the air and cries: “I love that Biffodus feeling!” . . .

Brian Cowen hasn’t been giving much away about his impending budget. He wasn’t giving much away yesterday either. The Fine Gael and Labour leaders decided they wanted to know the answer to just one question: what will be the date of his emergency budget?

Indakinny tried. He phrased the question in a few different ways, but Biffo didn’t bite, save to repeat the line that the budget will take place in the first week of April.

“You’ll hardly start it off on April Fool’s Day”, were Inda’s final words.

A mischievous grin spread across Biffo’s face. He looked across at the Fine Gael leader.

“Not unless you’re around!” The place erupted. Even Enda had to laugh. Behind him, Dinny McGinley, who likes to pride himself on his standard of heckling, was knocked off his stride by the Taoiseach’s direct hit. “You’re first laugh of the year . . . great to see it again,” sneered Dinny. “Great to see your teeth again.”

Eamon Gilmore also tried to get a date for the budget. “Why is there such a mystery about the budget?”

“There’s no mystery about it,” drawled the Taoiseach. “What’s the date then?” shot back Eamon.

Not telling, yet.

Time is running out, pointed out the Labour leader. “We only have until Christmas.” He meant to say Easter. “This recession has me confused . . . I get confused about the equinox.” And so to our last commercial break.

Confused? Worried about the recession? Bloated public service? Try Slashtivia, with Biffodus Maxibudget . . .

If it doesn’t work, it won’t just be the Greens who’ll be sick.