The hills are alive with the sound of scandalised Blueshirts

DÁIL SKETCH:HOW DO you solve a problem like young Leo? Stop him from being loud and calm him down? How do you find a word that means young Leo? A flibbertigibbet? A will-o- the wisp? A clown? Ah yes. The hills are alive with the sound of scandalised Blueshirts choking on their GTs after Leo Varadkar launched a scathing attack on St Garret FitzGerald.

GP Leo, the party’s shock-doc, decided to go in hard on the Taoiseach during Tuesday’s debate on the Cabinet non-shuffle. And the biggest insult he could come up with was the astonishing “You’re a Garret FitzGerald!”

Biffo, who prizes loyalty above all else, was taken aback. It would be like motormouth Mattie McGrath declaring that Dev was a boring old blow-in from America who ran the country into the ground. It just wouldn’t happen.

In Leo’s book, FitzGerald, the venerable figurehead, “effectively destroyed the country”. And now Brian Cowen was doing the same.

Even by Leo’s colourful standards, this pronouncement sent Fine Gael jaws dropping.

As news spread of Varadkar’s latest faux pas, deputies and senators started getting calls from outraged party supporters, horrified that one of their own should dare sully the name of their national treasure.

In the leafier areas of south Dublin, shocked matrons rattled their pearls in fury and demanded that the leader of the party’s brat pack be brought to heel.

Inda Kinny certainly has his hands full with young Leo. He’s the most promising of his novice TDs, but the most troublesome. This latest outburst overshadowed events in the Dáil, when his party leader should have been reaping the rewards of the Taoiseach’s derisory Cabinet reshuffle.

Significantly, Dr Leo was nowhere to be seen in the chamber when business began.

Few Fianna Fáil backbenchers bothered to turn up either. This was interpreted by Kenny as a silent verdict on the non-shuffle by Biffo’s passed-over and deeply disgruntled lobby fodder.

New Chief Whip John Curran reacted to the jibe. Thanks to the miracle of the text message, a sour-looking assortment of backbenchers started to slink in.

Timmy Dooley, one of the young breed who might have hoped for a call-up to the junior ranks, rallied sufficiently to comment on the turnout across the floor. “Has Leo gone to the sin bin?” he taunted.

Ministers Carey and Killeen fitted nicely into the front bench, making notes and looking eager.

Mary Hanafin, the cruelly shuffled minister for BBs, Balls and Gabriel Byrne sat stoically.

Despite suffering what most observers deemed a demotion, the professional manner in which she dealt with her situation has won her plaudits. If anything, Hanafin looked like the one who was happy with her lot.

The man responsible for handing her a dog’s dinner of a portfolio was the one who looked like his world had caved in as he managed another downbeat performance. The way he mumbled about having nothing to do with the running of Anglo Irish Bank was scary.

The Order of Business was equally enlightening. Yet again, it underscored the Government’s “commitment” to the democratic process. Three byelections are pending. One, in Donegal, was caused almost a year ago. The Taoiseach was asked when they might be held. Once more, he said no decision has been made.

Apparently it matters not a whit that certain constituencies have been chugging along minus a TD.

The non-shuffle, or “reconfiguration” as Biffo prefers to call it, came under scrutiny. Labour’s Ciarán Lynch was interested in the transfer of the greyhound industry brief to Agriculture. He wondered if there was more to the move than meets the eye, particularly in relation to the proposed dog breeding Bill.

Biffo perked up. “On the Dog Breeding Establishments Bill, I have a great personal interest in the greyhound industry . . . I have a stake in some greyhounds, which might be helpful in the future.”

“The Taoiseach sold a pup to Minister Gormley,” said Pat Rabbitte – a reference, some surmised, to Fianna Fáil possibly attempting to placate the hunting lobby and many of its rural backbenchers by trying to move contentious legislation away from the Green Party leader.

Inda Kinny could have joined in by saying he had a stake in a pup, but he was in no humour to discuss Varadkar, who had gone to ground and didn’t reappear until he was spotted scuttling in for an afternoon meeting, and carpeting, with his boss.

Meanwhile, Hanafin bustled off to launch a new guide to bed and breakfasts at a photocall at Government Buildings with Biffo.

Again, she threw herself into the job, while her leader continued to look uncomfortable.

“No props! No props!” insisted a press officer, as one of the BB people wanted to include a signpost in the shot. Wise move. With the Taoiseach standing under it, some unkind people might be inclined towards a caption about him not knowing what direction to take.

As for Garret FitzGerald, he was away in England, the party grassroots battling for his honour in his absence. To make matters worse, Leo also intimated that Garret’s column in The Irish Times is boring. Well, honestly.

The FF backbenchers didn’t pick up on that, as they only take the local papers for the deaths and to see how many mentions they got.