An Irishman's Diary

SEPTEMBER is to the brain what January is to the body. Come the new year, people enrol in gyms to get fit and shed a few pounds. Come the autumn, people sign up for courses to work that other muscle – the brain. The local further education colleges in my neck of the woods are advertising their wares the old-fashioned way with a newsletter in the postbox. I, in the old-fashioned way, am getting ink on my fingers as I look for a course that might tickle my fancy – to say nothing about my intellect.

There are courses on photography and computers but that seems a wee bit too much like work. There are courses on DIY but I couldn’t possibly do one of those. Family folklore has it that my father – who is very handy – once asked me for help with some tiling when I was a child. I replied, very imperiously: “When I grow up I am going to get a man to do that for me.” I did – thanks again, Dad. Better avoid those courses. I wouldn’t want him to think that I lacked confidence in his abilities.

There are cookery courses but I am not sure if I want to make that leap. I cook enough and the handful of recipes I have are tried and tested. Once you have learned to boil a potato, roast a potato, mash a potato, you can pretty much put anything you like on the plate beside it and the day is yours.

There are languages – French, Spanish, Italian and even Chinese and Arabic. Hmm, don’t think so. I have just completed a German course and Chinese and Arabic look really hard – even harder than German. Danke but nein danke. Of course, there are a lot of Irish courses but I am not going to enrol in an Irish class or even teach one. Been there, done that, bought the t-léine.

Still, it is always heartening to see how much effort Irish-language groups put in to offering courses for adults. There’s Conradh na Gaeilge – over 100 years of annoying West Brits – rousing itself once more to offer classes which begin at the end of September (www.cnag.ie). You would have thought that they would have got a bit tired of the whole enrich-your-heritage business but that old saying – tír gan teanga, tír gan anam (a country without a language is a country without a soul) – seems to keep them going.

That said, Conradh na Gaeilge has embraced Ireland’s new entrepreneurial spirit. It knows there is a recession on, that we want more for our money, and it has tailored their marketing accordingly. “Conradh na Gaeilge Irish courses giving the best value in the capital this autumn”, shouts the e-mail. That’s what we want to see “Irish courses” and “good value” in the one sentence. No messing about there. Give us a fistful of euro and we will give you an asset that never runs out; a wealth of cultural capital that the bankers will never destroy, an intellectual investment that always gives a return.

It offers courses for Leaving Certificate students who are preparing for their oral exams; courses for would-be teachers and Teastas Eorpach na Gaeilge, an internationally recognised European certificate in Irish run by NUI, Maynooth. An internationally recognised European certificate in Irish! What in the name of neamh is going on here? In my day, teaching an evening class for adults and you got a cup of tea and biscuit. Maybe two biscuits if you were lucky. But an internationally recognised certificate in Irish! What are these head-banging, turf-burning, cardigan-wearing, pipe-smoking Gaeilgeoirí up to? Don’t they realise that offering proper courses and internationally recognised certificates is just so untraditional? Whatever happened to just learning the “Hail Mary” and wasting your time in Irish class? Is this what the Irish-language movement really wants to become? Internationally recognised? Worse, an e-mail comes from the American embassy offering Fulbright scholarships (www.fulbright.ie) to Irish students to – get this – study and teach Irish in the United States. Have you ever heard of anything so preposterous?

Admittedly, the US is full of people who speak Irish due to emigration from the Gaeltacht since the Famine.

But should we really be encouraging intelligent Irish-speaking students to avail of opportunities to further their education, broaden their horizons and, worse, deepen the cultural context in which we view and use Irish? I mean if they go and live in New York, Connemara will never seem quite as glamorous. And what of my generation – the fortysomethings – who had to make do with a wet weekend in Rann na Feirste? Does anyone care how we suffered so that others might travel to the US on Fulbright scholarships! (The deadline is November 18th. Don’t mind me. You go right ahead and apply.)

And let us not forget the poor parents whose children are attending gaelscoileanna and nurseries throughout the land. In my day, you got a copy of First Steps in Irish, if you were lucky, to help you learn some Irish. Now they get a booklet and CDs, Basic Irish for Parents and Childminders, from Forbairt Naíonraí Teoranta (www.naionrai.ie ).

Seriously, CDs in all three dialects, plus a bilingual booklet full of useful phrases. It is ridiculous. It is just too damn professional for my liking. Bring back chalk, hand-written notes and lack of opportunities before it is too late.