Disappointing lack of tackiness at Gleneagles

I have to say I was terribly disappointed with the Official Merchandising Tent. No sign of tackiness anywhere. Tasteful colours, sensible clothes and reasonable prices, sort of.

I was hoping for some Rickie Fowler tanning lotion to take back for Her Indoors. But no luck. Instead she will just get me back but nourished by the sea kale soap and moisturizer they have in the excellent facilities here. It is working. I already look three minutes younger.

A Keegan Bradley spittoon would have been nice for the dogs who could have used it for a drinking bowl. Maybe (let's be balanced here) some Victor Dubuisson dark glasses in case one wanted to pass through the world unrecognized, like Bono for instance.

But there was none of that.

Technical note

On a technical note, however, I was surprised to see that the official

Ryder Cup

ball was a Titleist DT Solo. You would think they would play with something a bit better. When I was Senior Cup manager at the Royal Curragh Golf Club even their famed “generosity” ran to a few Pro V’s for the lads. I couldn’t imagine turning up and saying, “Here play with this DT Solo – if it’s good enough for the

Ryder Cup

team it’s good enough for you”.

Still a promise is a promise so I bought one of the official Ryder Cup balls for a friend who collects things like that. Why I have friends who collect things like that is another question entirely.

If it is tackiness you are looking for (I am, I am!) then maybe there is more to be found in some of the get ups that have been got up for the teams. A panjandrum of The Irish Times no less pointed out to me that the Europeans were wearing some decidedly dodgy jackets the other day. Curses, I missed them.

Today the participants in a celebrity/Ryder Cup legends charity fourball event were kitted out in strange black sweaters with a sort of large white “T” at 45 degrees to their sternum which looked, to say the least, odd. So there is hope for the rest of the week.

Maybe the Americans will top those shirts featuring the disembodied heads of past captains from “The War on the Shore” as Kiawah Island became called. That was an 11 on the 1 to 10 scale of kitsch.

Panjandrum, while he was there, asked me to explain the bizarre and colourful nature of standard golf clothing. Why do normally sane people suddenly turn up on golf parade wearing orange trousers, green socks and a mauve spotted shirt?

Inner hippy

My first theory was that golf is so relaxing that it frees the inner hippy of the management classes. But this may not be correct. Could it be that wives welcome their beloveds fleeing out of their sight for 5 or 6 hours knowing full well that no other of the female species would look twice at a man in orange trousers, green socks and a polka spotted shirt?

The opening ceremony was a waving sea of fluorescent yellow and black. Yes there are that many security people working here. The players were a little more bland although the brown shoes with blue suits sported by the Americans did strike a pleasantly jarring note.

Alex Salmond spoke and failed to mention the thorny question of whether, after the next Scottish referendum, an independent Scotland would have to apply for re-admission into the Ryder Cup.

He was followed by the Vale of Athyll Pipe Band who gave a stirring rendition of “Flower of Scotland”. And, just when we were in the mood and looking forward to their renditions of all 26 of the national anthems of Europe and the American one of course, they headed back to the glens and left it to the speechifiers.

Meanwhile back in the real world I walked the course. When I say walked I mean I sort of shuffled along like a geriatric snail. When I say course I mean about eight holes that are closest to the clubhouse. I had been watching golf, live from the course on a big TV screen all morning. It didn’t prepare me for what I saw on my lunchtime shuffle. The television screen is totally inadequate to convey the topography. Unless you, and they, have 3D TV.

This course is mountain goat territory. Actually the mountain goats have probably fled for calmer pastures. The changes in elevation in the holes, and between the holes are ENORMOUS. Is that clear enough? There is hardly a flat lie in the place. The new course intermingles with holes from the old ones and yet, somehow, where the old seem gently sloping the new ones seem a caricature of that.

Sunset years

This raises a few issues for the team captains here. As Rory McIlroy put it: one, two or three of the players are in the sunset years of their careers. They probably won’t be good for two rounds in the one day which, I guess, may make the selection process easier as the choices might be more limited.

There is also a fair strong breeze blowing out there at the moment which is also forecast for Friday and is going to make playing conditions tough. They will certainly earn their money this weekend, not that they are earning any money, of course, but you know what I mean.

Let the games begin.