Floods, Mourinho and a really tense affair in the curling

Floods and Jose Mourinho, where would Sky News have been without them last week, both emanating from the heavens, the Portuguese fella might have told you, both stories combining to fill the bulk of the channel's air time, Acts of God that wreaked havoc on the lives of British homeowners – and Arsene Wenger.

A “specialist in failure,” Jose said of the Arsenal gaffer in a chat with reporters that was aired almost as often as clips of Kay Burley standing in a watery field surrounded by ducks, where once cattle didn’t fear to tread.

“Climate change rocks,” they quacked, the floods taking them where no ducks had gone before – through the door of the local pub.

For them, then, there was a considerable upside to the deluge, but for humans, whoever was in charge of flood defences was the actual “specialist in failure”, Jose completely misdirecting his arrows in the times that are in it.

"He called Arsene Wenger a specialist in failure, what did you think about that," BT Sport's Jake Humphrey asked special guest Jens Lehmann ahead of yesterday's FA Cup tussle between Arsenal and Liverpool.

Feisty divil
Jens, as you know, is a feisty divil, occasionally marginally bonkers, one of his finer moments when he sued Werder Bremen goalkeeper Tim Wiese who responded to Jens' criticism of him by suggesting he should "go on the Muppet Show" - and that he belonged in an asylum.

Sadly, the judge in the case dismissed the suit, insisting that Wiese was entitled to freedom of expression and that Lehmann’s personal rights had not been infringed.

Arsene might have been on Wiese’s side yesterday. “He called Arsene Wenger a specialist in failure, what did you think about that?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” said Jens, “I’m not a lawyer.” Not the most resounding defence of Arsene you’ve ever heard, as Gary McAllister’s giggles suggested.

Still, despite that, Jens’ presence on a BT Sport platform outside the stadium was appreciated by the fans, “we’ve got a big ****ing German,” they sang at length, prompting Jake to apologise profusely to the viewers. No offence taken.

But back to that “specialist in failure” lark. “It reminds me a little of talking about cars – mine is bigger, my house is bigger, my something is bigger, kids’ behaviour,” said Jens.

He wasn't wrong, of course, kids' behaviour also the apt-ish description for the people on the Twitter machine who reckoned speed skater Elise Christie was a specialist in failure after an unfortunate few days in Sochi when she was effectively disqualified from two of her events. The abuse poured in.

BBC aghast
The BBC was aghast when she was turfed out of her second event – the short track 1,500m thingie – having finished first, Hazel Irvine sharing the news with all the gravity of a broadcaster informing the world that, say, Pearl Harbour was under attack by the Japanese.

As it proved, Elise was correctly DNFed – did not finish, that is – because she took a course of her own, a bit like sending a penalty over the bar and claiming it as a goal.

Much of this Winter Olympics lark remains a mystery. As curling possibly does to Steve Cram, appointed by the BBC to commentating duty on the sport. "A tense affair," he said of the clash of Britain and Canada's men.

“A really tense affair,” he added, as the camera focused in on highly chilled out curlers, leaving you concluding that while it might have been a ding-dong contest, curlers wouldn’t know tension even if it swept them in to a watery field populated by ducks and Kay Burley.

Steve, then, might have been a duck out of water, which could also have been the case for Andy Gray if he'd been hired by BT Sport to commentate on a girly FA Cup tie.

Boys only, as it proved, Andy making his latest BT comeback appearance for the Arsenal v Liverpool affair.

And the mere sound of his voice took you back to olden times when a sprinkle of rain didn’t flood the bejaysus out of us. Yesterday’s man, like.

What next? Ron Atkinson working on the Africa Cup of Nations?