The world according to Eddie: Jones’ greatest hits with the media

Himself: "I was half-Japanese, half-Australian in a white Australian society where, if you weren't good at sport, you weren't considered to be worthy of the group - and I wanted to be part of the group. I was little, and I looked different, but I wanted to be good at sport, so I had to find a way. I didn't have any athletic gifts, so I became a competitor. I fought."

On his battle to belong.

Mellowing: "People always ask if the stroke changed me. It did. I think I became less intense and learned to relax more. I'm sure the England players will find that amusing."

On recovering from a stroke in 2013, and how the experience, eh, softened him.

Matt Williams: Ireland’s strong running game can yield Twickenham triumph

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Eddie Jones bombards Ireland with kindness ahead of Twickenham showdown

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Alex Dombrandt among the replacements as England reveal team

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Motivating: "I brought a samurai sword into the team room. I also brought in some kiwi fruit. I scythed them in two. 'There you go, boys,' I said. 'See how we do it now?'"

On the quirky enough manner in which he inspired his England players to beat New Zealand in the 2019 World Cup semi-final.

The Welsh: "A little sh*t place that has got three million people. Three million!"

(He later apologised).

Ourselves (Part I): "We've played 23 Tests and we've only lost one to the scummy Irish. I'm still dirty about that game, but we'll get that back, don't worry."

(He later apologised).

Ourselves (Part II):"If it was a cricket match, we could have declared."

After England had led Ireland 17-0 at half-time in Twickenham in 2020. (He later apologised).

Ourselves (Part III): "I heard someone calling them the United Nations, mate, I had a little chuckle."

Being quite rude about Ireland’s use of the residency rule.

Ourselves (Part IV): "They kick 60 per cent of their possession.. it's Aussie Rules."

Alleging, back in 2016, that Ireland played football from an entirely different code.

The Scots (Part I): "That was an old-fashioned Calcutta Cup game, wasn't it? Swirling wind, heavy rains and an aggressive crowd without much manners."

Rubbing it in after England beat Scotland at Murrayfield in 2020.

The Scots (Part II): "They're a niggly side, aren't they? They try to goad players. They've done that through the ages. That's the way they stay in the game."

Kind of doffing his cap to Scotland’s alleged talent for sledging.

Johnny (Part I): "If he was Sexton then we'd be able to complain. But because he's Owen Farrell he's allowed to be hit late. He's a tough rooster, a warrior, he gets up and he plays, he doesn't play in a dinner suit."

Suggesting that Farrell is made of tougher stuff than our Johnny, mainly because he gets less protection from referees.

Johnny (Part II): "Sexton has the bat phone to the referee. He is the only one allowed to pick it up to talk to them."

Drawing on his Batman knowledge, alleging that Sexton has a hotline to referees.

Johnny (Part III): "Sexton is an interesting one. They've talked about him having whiplash injury. I'm sure his mother and father would be worried about that. I'd be worried about his welfare if he's had whiplash injuries. Hopefully the lad's all right to play on Saturday."

(He later apologised).

Gatland: "Just send my best wishes to Warren and make sure he enjoys the third and fourth place play-off."

His response to Warren Gatland, whose Welsh side had been beaten in the semi-finals of the 2019 World Cup, after he suggested that England had already peaked by beating New Zealand to reach the final.

Poaching: "I don't know how you do it. Actually I do. Because you've got three of the biggest academies in the world: Fiji, Samoa and Tonga. "

Chucking the mother of all barbs New Zealand’s way while explaining their conveyor belt of young talent.

The Lions: "The last thing I want to do is spend eight weeks in a blazer. That's an ambassador job. I'm a coach. I'd rather coach the Queensland Sheffield Shield [Cricket]team."

Saying ‘no thanks very much’ to the prospect of coaching the Lions.

Farewells: "You're f***ed, mate."

The sensitive manner in which he told his former England captain Dylan Hartley that his international career was over, according to Hartley himself.

Innocence: "I don't know, mate. I'm not that smart. I'm an Australian, I'm a convict, mate."

On being asked about his propensity for mind games.

Passion: "This is why we do it, mate. This is why we don't put on a suit every morning, pick up a briefcase and catch the same eight o'clock train in to a routine office job. This is the feeling you get nowhere else in life. It's this intensity, this fear, this hope, this thrill all knotted up in your gut."

On why he loves the bones of working in rugby.

The Italians: "Remember Trevor Chappell? Bowled underarm along the ground? We saw a Trevor Chappell game of rugby today. If that's rugby, I'm going to retire. In football they say park the bus. I don't know what they had, but it was bigger than a bus."

A bit peeved about Italy refusing to engage at the ruck in their 2017 meeting with England.

The Americans: "It's going to be like 15 Donald Trumps out there."

Ahead of England's 45-7 win over the United States at the 2019 World Cup, the result definitely not rigged.

The Media: "We try to spray all that rat poison that you try to put in, we are always working hard to keep it out of their heads. It keeps me busy, mate."

Suggesting that the English media try to infect his players with self-doubt.

Perceived Slights: "I don't think I've ever spoken about meditation. You must be thinking about someone else – maybe another half-Asian person. Maybe we all look the same?"

His response to a highly bemused reporter who had simply asked about his earlier comments on mindfulness. (He later apologised).

Bath Time: "Bruce Craig sounds like the Donald Trump of rugby. He has the same hairstyle too."

His take on the Bath owner after he complained about the number of his club’s players injured during Jones’ England training sessions.

The Other Half: "I remember when I got sacked as the Wallabies coach, I came home absolutely distraught because it was my dream job. She said: 'Right, where are we going next?'"

On his wife Hiroko’s acceptance that their life together would be somewhat nomadic.

Potential: "Maro is a young kid who has a good head on his shoulders. He's like a Vauxhall Viva, but we want to make him into a BMW. "

Maro Itoje was grateful for the kind words, but admitted that he had to Google ‘Viva’ because he’d never heard of the car - which was understandable seeing as their production ceased 15 years before he was born.

Emma: "There's a reason why the girl who won the US Open hasn't done so well afterwards. What have you seen her on? The front page of Vogue, the front page of Harper's Bazaar, whatever it is, wearing Christian Dior clothes."

On Raducanu’s post US Open-winning struggles, his remarks prompting all ‘sexist!’ hell to break loose.

Keeping Up: "I didn't drop him, I changed his role. Maybe you guys need to start reporting differently. Rugby has changed. Come and join us in modern rugby, give me your email and I'll send you an invite."

On the media’s reaction to him dropping/changing the role of George Ford for the 2019 World Cup quarter-final against Australia.

The Knighted: "If we make the quarter-finals, then I can retire from coaching. I can be like Clive Woodward and tell everyone what to do on television. Tell Sir Clive I want to be like him. That's my dream."

After leading Japan to a gobsmacking victory over South Africa at the 2015 World Cup.

Suspicions: "Maybe a leprechaun tackled him in the warm-up, I don't know."

Half-reckoning the pre-match injury picked up by Jamie Heaslip back in 2017, that saw Peter O'Mahony introduced to the team, was a ruse.

Rowdiness: "We weren't expecting beer bottles to be thrown, that's a new trick. But Neil has a hard head, and there's not much inside it. He'll be alright."

On England’s head of performance Neil Craig being struck by a bottle as he arrived at Murrayfield in 2020.

Limitations: "I was the best club hooker in the world but I never got picked for Australia, because I was never going to be an international player as long as my backside pointed to the ground. Club rugby is club rugby."

On why he never made it as an international.

The Donald: "My vision was that they should be more 'English', so I kept repeating the message in different ways. One day I put mustard on it, the next day I put tomato sauce on it - but it was basically the same message. Like Trump. The mantra 'Make America great again' - he repeats and repeats it. There's no evidence he can, but he's convinced the American people. That's how you win."

On how he persuaded his players to make English rugby great again.

Genetics: "Georgia have a massive scrum. They have the strongest pack in the world. Their babies are born with beards."

A tribute like no other.

Japan: "Pray, pray, pray. Go to the temple and pray. Just pray, it's the best thing. We're going to be absolutely ruthless. If I was Japan I'd be worried. We want to physically smash them."

His kindly advice to Japan ahead of their visit to Twickenham in 2018. England won 35-15. Ruthless-ish.