This week I have decided to run a competition in which a chief executive has to woo his customers with a short e-mail or letter.

LAST WEEK on The Apprenticetelevision show, two teams had to design a box of tissues and come up with a telly advert to catch the attention of consumers.

This week I have decided to run a similar competition in which a chief executive has to woo his customers with a short e-mail or letter.

My finalists are Vikram Pandit, chief of Citigroup, and Johnnie Boden, founder of the upmarket mail-order clothing group.

Mr Pandit tapped out his e-mail a fortnight ago and sent it to all holders of Citi credit cards. It was forwarded to me by various people, including a female Financial Timesreader based in London. It is her version that the judges are using.

Dear Ternational, it began. It was not a good start, as her name is not Ternational, it is Barbara.

Her company is called Minto International, and so one can only imagine the automatic e-mail system randomly opted for the last bit, hoping for the best.

I want you to be among the first to know . . .

It went on, which was not very good either. Citi must have hundreds of thousands of credit card customers. So Mr Pandit did not really want Ternational to be among the first to know at all, and so Ternational felt a little annoyed at the disingenuity of the sentiment.

. . . about the bold steps we are taking at Citi to be the premier, global, fully integrated financial services firm.

And even if she was the first to know, why would she care?

When important things happen, it is nice to be at the front of the information queue: when your job has been axed or your spouse is about to leave you.

But when Citi is taking bold steps to be the premier, global, blah, blah? One would not be bothered one way or another.

Our objective is to create for our customers an experience in which services are seamless, payments and transfers effortless, and distances meaningless.

In its badly worded way, this is fair enough, but it is aiming pretty low. Distance surely became meaningless the day international telephone lines were laid. And banks should have sorted out their payment systems by now.

My bank, First Direct, seems to have cracked it, so I do not see why Citi thinks it is such a big deal.

My commitment - and the commitment of everyone at Citi - is to work tirelessly around the world and around the clock to deliver outstanding value and service as we continue to earn your trust and that of every customer we serve . . . wherever you are and wherever you need to be. Sincerely, Vikram Pandit

This is aiming too high. If I were a client I would not want Mr Pandit to work around the clock. I would want him to get at least seven hours solid sleep a night, as he has a jolly big bank to run that is having a lot of trouble at the moment.

He is trying to sell off $500 billion of assets and get $15 billion off the cost base, keep the unions off his back, and reassure shareholders.

The only people, as far as I can gather, that were not causing any bother were the credit card holders.

But now, alas, they are wondering what was the point of a message that said their bank was taking bold steps, but then did not give even the tiniest hint of what these bold steps might be.

So how did the other team do? Johnnie Boden penned a letter that went out to selected customers last week who had stopped buying from him.

Hello Mrs Kellaway, mine began. Though not quite my name, it was close enough.

Last year you were one of our best customers. You bought armfuls of our colourful finery, showed us off and garnered the oohs and aahs of all you passed. So, thank you. Thank you very much.

This was briefly puzzling as I do not like Boden's colourful finery, but then I remembered a couple of sober suits I bought for my shopaphobe husband.

This year . . . something's not quite right. Maybe we haven't pushed your buttons quite right. Maybe it's because spring forgot to be spring, or because houses are now worth less than a packet of crisps.

The style was maddeningly jaunty. I particularly take exception to the phrase "push your buttons".

The only buttons I have are on my clothes which do not come from Johnnie and which require doing up rather than pushing.

Yet I went on reading to find that Johnnie claimed to be so impatient for my order he was "hopping from foot to foot like an incontinent uncle".

I was not moved by his uncle's bladder control, yet I went on reading until the end, where was attached a big £10 voucher, saying: "Use me quick I run out soon."

Boden, you can go back to the house. I do not like your prose style, but you won because - just like the winning team on the TV last week - you got my attention and thrust your message down my throat.

Your prize is that I am now going to buy some more trousers for my husband as I notice that after 18 months' hard wearing his old ones are getting a bit shiny on the bottom.

Vikram, you do not have a clear message. Yours was a vague wave in the customers' direction that left them with the uneasy impressing Citi was not waving but drowning. Sorry, Vikram, you're fired.

- (Financial Times service)