PLATFORMWHO WANTS to drive the bus? Over the past two weeks, we learned that Bill Cullen, Renault boss and author of It's a Long Way From Penny Apples, is hosting an Irish version of The Apprentice.

We also heard that Circle Line, the private bus operator which initiated a valuable service to west Dublin is expected to go out of business today. The company claims that, after years of ignoring these commuters, Dublin Bus had a change of heart with the arrival of competition, and flooded Circle Line's route with public buses.

On Tuesday, we were also charmed with news from the ESRI that we're entering a recession. Lovely. Hmmm. What would happen if you combined elements of the Irish Apprentice, the recession and the Government's transportation policy?

"It's week one of the Apprentice and our 14 finalists have entered the big house. Tonight, they'll meet motor industry chieftain Ard Rí and his advisers - the Get Stuff Moving Minister and 'Me Boyo of Doom' from the Think About Things Institute."

While the contestants sit in the reception area, we'll enter the boardroom: Moving Minister: "Sure, they're nothing but a bunch of preening braggarts who smile and check their make-up during each of the tasks. Why would you want any of them as your transportation adviser?"

Ard Rí: "Don't be so negative. Let's hear what they have to say first." Doom Boyo: "It'll all be over soon anyhow. Put them out of their misery."

During the week, the two teams were assigned the Frugality Task. Competitors were asked to find a cost-efficient way to move commuters from the suburbs to the city centre.

Status Quo squared off against Entrepreneurial Spirit. Each team was given access to the best urban planning and transportation experts. Things came to an abrupt end after the Status Quo team leader, Beijing Olympics Consultant Dude, explained their model. "We have all these really interesting names for the rickshaws and each one has a little advertising thingamajig on the side. The design is really cool."

Moving Minister whispers to Ard Rí. Ard Rí says: "You win! It's perfect - it'll provide employment and at least two revenue streams. It's a healthy, green initiative so we'll get EU funding."

The seven-member Entrepreneurial Spirit team was crushed. Their model proposed a joined-up system of rail and bus services with integrated ticketing. Doom Boyo: "Do you think the nation is made of money? No one will have a job by the time that's built. Those who do won't be accustomed to clean, timely, efficient transportation. It'll never work."

Later in the day, two contestants - Busman and Photographer - face the boardroom. Ard Rí: "Busman, Doom Boyo here tells me you gave him lip during the task. Tell me why I shouldn't Blarney Brack you for disrespecting the establishment?"

Busman: "Well, I started my own business at 16 and expanded it into an efficient, timely multimillion-euro private transport company. Recently, I almost lost it all thanks to a shift in Government policy. I know about hard times. He doesn't need to go on and on about them."

Ard Rí: "Sounds like you misjudged the situation. I remember losing my mother's nest egg when my pigs drowned during the flood of 1954. I can still hear them squealing.

"Speaking of that, the Minister tells me that our Happy Snapper here took pictures of the contestants rather than participate in the task. Why shouldn't you be fired?"

Photographer: "I'm an excellent organiser. Last weekend, I managed to transport 2,500 people to the Poolbeg lighthouse so they could stand naked and greet the Stena Line during the summer solstice."

Ard Rí: "That's impressive. Did you use mind-control techniques?"

Photographer: "Nah, I promised them a photograph."

Ard Rí: "Busman, you're fired!"

Tune in next week to watch the 13 remaining contestants battle it out to answer the question: Who is going to drive the bus now?

Margaret E Ward is a journalist and a director of Clear Ink, the Clear English Specialists cents@clearink.ie