You've been watching La Dolce Vita again, and it comes to you in a blinding flash of comprehension: the Irish aren't northern Europeans at all. We're geographically misplaced Mediterraneans! You think: "I must stop behaving like an uptight Anglo. I'll get a scooter and zip around town looking cool."
But on the second day, you notice something strange. The sky is not blue like in Italy and large drops of liquid - they feel just like water - fall persistently from above. Questo si che e troppo! (This is too much!) You arrive everywhere looking like a drowned rat. Your friends now make fun of your scooter. You become demoralised. You become fascinated by DIY.
Stop! There's still time to get the new BMW C1, the scooter like no other. It laughs in the face of Irish weather with its perspex roof, windscreen wiper, ABS brakes and heated seat and hand-grips. And even if the bike falls over, the rider is protected by a roll-over cage. It's so safe the German transport ministry lets you go on it without a helmet.
It has a top speed of 100 kmh (60 mph), does 35km to a litre of petrol and has other essential features, like a mobile phone holder, a CD player and a luggage rack.
The C1, around £5,000 (€6,300), can now be ordered through BMW Ireland.
Gizmo suggestions welcome: smaccarthaigh@irish-times.ie
