At a recent management training session on “having difficult conversations” in the workplace, I started to laugh.
Everything about this particular class felt familiar. We were told to focus on the change in behaviour we wanted to see within our teams, not the wrongdoing, to be empathetic in our approach, rather than confrontational, and to acknowledge the negative feelings a member of staff might have before trying to remedy the situation. In short, it was exactly like the tips and tricks handed out by the gentle parenting brigade.
I’m sure Dr Becky, the psychologist who doles out parenting hacks on Instagram, would have been impressed. She’s one of the earnest types who tell the ragged guardians of tiny dictators to remember that a temper tantrum is just “a ball of desire”. Rather than have a meltdown of your own in response to your screaming toddler, your priority is to stay calm and keep the child safe.
This seems perfectly reasonable. But as someone who has graduated from the school of Indian parenting, where throwing food or being unkind to elders was sacrilege and academic excellence was non-negotiable, this more forgiving model of raising kids is something I really would like to embrace but have to try extremely hard at with my own toddler.
Just as child-rearing in many parts of the world has shifted more in favour of empathy, respect and positive reinforcement over punishment to encourage good behaviour, business too has changed. Leaders are increasingly encouraged to act as coaches, empowering their employees to participate in decision-making, prioritising staff wellbeing and giving regular feedback.
Those who groan at the drive to promote “active listening” and “better understanding” at home, believing this only creates entitled brats, will no doubt also baulk at the new ways of working that protect the personal needs of employees.
There have been huge changes since the pandemic forced workplaces to be more flexible and think more carefully about the wellbeing of their staff, especially younger employees, who are often more vocal and less loyal.
When the PR boss at Chinese search giant Baidu raged against her staff earlier this year and declared on social media, “I’m not your mum”, she would have got some sympathy from the kind of bosses who deride office snowflakes, whose emotional and professional needs can seem endless.
Of course, higher standards for conduct at work and decreasing tolerance for misconduct of any kind is obviously a good thing. The same applies at home. The emphasis on communicating better, and being more compassionate, has become central in both realms.
But it is in the objective of these behaviours that the divergence lies.
In the corporate world, creating an environment where employees feel valued and empowered is ultimately in service of business goals, such as maximising shareholder value. That’s why managers obsess over productivity data and quarterly financials.
But the truth is that despite what some cuddlier corporations say, your colleagues are not your family.
You should treat each other with respect and behave as well as you can to your employees. Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing to do and can help people find meaning in work, if you’re a boss the underlying impetus is quite straightforward: you don’t want to go bust. You want staff to stick around, do their best work and boost profitability.
We can have extremely high expectations of companies, and sometimes they will surpass them, but the bottom line will always dominate. This is why when trading conditions are tough, workplace niceties often go out the window.
Parenting, however gently or aggressively, is not about hitting targets or boosting performance, despite what the chatter in north London playgrounds would have you believe. It’s about nurturing children’s development and helping them grow into curious, confident, compassionate and resilient people. It’s also about building a sense of security and self-worth that grows over time.
In some ways it is harder now to be both a boss and a parent. We ask way more of each other than we once did. My mother says thirtysomethings like me are doing “too much thinking” rather than cracking on.
But, as ever, there is no one definition of what success looks like. Just as in the boardroom, where outside factors such as war, climate change and unstable politics can alter the impact of a particular course of action, upheaval within your own household, whatever that looks like, will also change the way you parent.
No one has the right answer. If they did, the sheer avalanche of advice about how to do it right – including from the Indian aunties – wouldn’t exist. – Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2024
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