Crime & Law

Abuse survivor: ‘I’m 38 years old and I still don’t know who I am’

Man abused as a child by former Garda Reserve member says he spent 18 years ‘living in silence’

Abuse survivor Patrick Flavin: 'I was 33 I think when I reported it, and I made a goal for myself that I’m going to recover by the time I’m 40 and I’m well on my way to achieving that.' Photograph: Patrick Browne

Jack Power's face
Jack Power
Sat Mar 23 2024 - 06:00

Patrick Flavin (38) has had a lot of different jobs in his adult life. He has worked on milk and bread delivery vans, on construction sites and joined the Defence Forces for a period. A father of four from Co Waterford, his life fell apart about six years ago when he confronted what had happened to him as a young teenager.

“To describe myself, I was the type of young fella, I was boisterous, for want of a better way of putting it I was aggressive, there was a sense of anger in me,” he says. “I always felt like the black sheep of the family, so to speak . . . I don’t like remembering my childhood,” he says.

When he was 10 years old he met a man, James Anthony Kelly, at a youth club in Waterford city, who later befriended him and his family. “I looked up to him,” Flavin says.

This January, Kelly (57) of Suncrest, Ballycashin, Butlerstown, Co Waterford, was jailed for six and half years for sexually abusing and raping Patrick when he was a child. Kelly pleaded guilty at the Central Criminal Court to two counts of sexual assault, involving mutual masturbation, two counts of oral rape and two counts of gross indecency of a child under the age of 17 years old on dates between March 2000 and March 2003.

READ MORE

The court heard the sexual abuse took place when Flavin was aged between 14 and 17 years old, often twice a month, in various unknown locations in Co Waterford.

Speaking publicly about what happened to him, Flavin says the abuse has had a lifelong impact: “I’m 38 years old and I still don’t know who I am.”

As an adult Kelly had exploited a weakness in a vulnerable child. “He says he didn’t groom me for four years, but he paid special attention to me,” he says. “He used to bring us off, bring us to the beach, bring us swimming, camping, he used to do all these things with us,” he says.

When he was 14 years old Flavin says Kelly, who was 33 at the time, broke the trust the young teenager had placed in the man. The court heard the sexual abuse started when Kelly brought Flavin and others camping, with the group sleeping in one tent. The abuse continued for several years. Kelly would take the teenager for drives in the countryside and then pull over in isolated spots, at which point the pair would engage in mutual masturbation and oral sex, the court heard.

“I’m going to suffer the rest of my life, but the sentence he got doesn’t even scratch the surface of the years I’ve spent in prison in my head,” Flavin says. “I could have never imagined he could have done something like that . . . Nobody could have ever imagined he was capable of doing something like that,” he says.

“I have a serious issue with memory, I just think my brain is shutting memories out because of what happened to me as a child,” he says.

Being a male survivor of sexual abuse came with an additional stigma. “People are shocked because I’m a man,” he says. Combatting that stigma is one of the main reasons he decided to speak publicly about the abuse he suffered as a child. “Sexual assault in any form towards any person is unacceptable, regardless of their gender, it doesn’t make a difference. You only need to say no once,” he says.

After burying what had happened to him for years, in 2018 Flavin confronted the abuse and reported it to the Garda. Kelly had been a member of the Garda Reserves from 2011 until 2019, but Flavin says he had nothing but praise for how his complaint was handled by local gardaí.

He recalls the Sunday he walked out of the Garda station after making a lengthy statement: “I remember standing on the steps for a minute or two, I felt liberated . . . I was terrified of reporting it, because I didn’t know whether they were going to believe me.”

When asked if the Garda Reserves had conducted any review on foot of Kelly’s conviction, a spokesman said: “An Garda Síochána does not comment on internal disciplinary matters.”

Kelly had also been a member of the Defence Forces from 1988 to 1997, as well as a volunteer in Waterford city with Foróige, an organisation that run youth clubs, between late 1995 and early 1997.

In a statement, Foróige said it had undertaken a review of its files and found no complaints had been recorded against Kelly related to his time in the youth organisation. “We will co-operate with the relevant authorities if any further action is required,” it said.

Dealing with the fallout of what happened to him as a teenager has been difficult, Flavin says. He split up with his long-term partner, his relationship with his own family deteriorated and he became homeless for a period. “I’ve spent the last five or six years waking up every day essentially alone . . . I can’t work, I’m on disability, my mental health is on the floor,” he says. “Am I a saint? Absolutely not, I’ve done things I shouldn’t have done, I hold remorse for that,” he says.

Sitting on the couch in his ground-floor apartment on the outskirts of Waterford city, Flavin says he spends a lot of time in his own head.

The apartment has a wide window looking out on to a field in front of the home, which he says is perfect for watching his young children play outside when they stay with him. “The bond with the kids I never let die, I tell my children every day I love them,” he says.

“I’m overprotective with my kids. People do good things for me and I don’t like it . . . It’s very difficult for me to let good people into my life,” he says.

When his children are not over, his two dogs, Rosie, a 10-year-old Jack Russell and Monday, a one-year old pit bull, keep him company on the couch. However, he is currently involved in a dispute with his landlord, who has served him an eviction notice that he is fighting.

Living with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse was like moving through life surrounded by an invisible barrier between him and the rest of the world, he says. “Imagine walking down the road and bumping into something that’s stopping you from moving any further, and then turning around and the same thing. The next thing you’re in a circle that you just can’t seem to step out of no matter how hard you try,” he says.

After “living in silence” for 18 years after the abuse first started, Flavin says he does not want to be quiet about what happened to him any longer. “I was 33 I think when I reported it, and I made a goal for myself that I’m going to recover by the time I’m 40 and I’m well on my way to achieving that,” he says.

An Garda SíochánaCriminal Courts