1. He wears beige.

2. He dances like a smarmy fop on stilts but thinks he's sex-on-legs.

3. His hair looks like wispy left-overs in a follicly-challenged armpit.

4. His marketing targets my age and gender by making him a Ken-with-body-parts for the original Barbie generation.

5. So he tries to make me want him, and acts as if I do.

6. Then he exploits my latent mushiness by singing songs about love and longing.

7. He makes little uh-uh lowing sounds that are supposed to turn me on.

8. But he's not sexy - even if his PR machine did trot out an ex-girlfriend who tells the press "he has the strength and stamina of a panther".

9. Which no person of my age and gender wants anyway.

10. Because panthers do the job in less than three minutes. And that's on very a good day.