First released in 1945, this book is a compendium of advice across a myriad of subjects for the postwar woman, wife and mother. It was published in a time of austerity, of make-do-and-mend spirit and of ingenious economy.
It is a precious historical document, a precious social document, serving to illustrate how we have changed as consumers, as readers, as writers, as people. But, above all, it is a hugely entertaining book, a sort of Dangerous Book for Housewives (and Househusbands), providing nuggets of brilliant advice, ampoules of dangerous advice and glimpses into language and ingredients that disappeared with the corner shop.
In today’s consumerist world we are inundated by adverts for products and services which will help make women’s lives healthier, cleaner, fitter, trimmer, flatter, browner, more regular, less itchy, better smelling and less blotchy. As an anodyne escape from the pressure of keeping up, we imagine life was easier long ago. We think of our mothers and grandmothers and how much simpler and more wholesome their lives were. But were they?
A brief scan of The Homecraft Book shows that the beauty issues of the day included: dry skin, undernourished skin, greasy skin, enlarged pores, blackheads, spotty complexion, tired skin, lines, freckles, wrinkles, coarse skin, cold sores, tired eyes, eye strain, underdeveloped eyelashes, red nose, stained teeth, heavy or sagging jaw, hollow cheeks, dull hair, yellowing hair, dandruff, smoker’s hair, greasy hair, prematurely grey hair, congestion of the scalp, feeble head circulation, dark shoulders, pimply arms, plump arms, sandpaper elbows, stained hands, enlarged knuckles, large legs, thick ankles, obstinate sandpaper knees, soft corns, heel lumps, thick waist, blotchiness, too pale, not pale enough, discoloured neck, muddy complexion and obesity.
Right now, your innate suggestibility, the manna of the marketing guru, is saying – “Are they talking about me?” – as you ponder your engorged knuckles whilst scratching your congested scalp. Do you have obstinate sandpaper knees? Are your shoulders off the pale scale? I think we both know you do and they are.
So, for your delectation, amusement and enrichment, I will list some of the key items that you will need to purchase, if you are to lead the organised, economical and aesthetically superior life of the postwar housewife.
1. Cruets and castors
Over time we have become accustomed to using the manufacturer’s vessels for oil, vinegar, salt, pepper and mustard. That must stop immediately. We must also purchase a mustard spoon.
2. Borax
This we use to stop kettles furring. Alas, it can no longer be purchased over the counter as ingestion may cause gastrointestinal distress including nausea, persistent vomiting, abdominal pain and diarrhoea. A modern solution to furring is to throw the kettle out and buy another one.
3. Quicklime
We use this to repair cracks in china cups, plates and saucers. According to Wikipedia, “quicklime causes severe irritation when inhaled or placed in contact with moist skin or eyes. Inhalation may cause coughing, sneezing, laboured breathing. It may then evolve into burns with perforation of the nasal septum, abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting.”
4. Ammonia
Banish shabby umbrellas by rubbing them with ammonia and warm water. Ammonia will not kill you but it will dispatch your aquatic pets to the great aquarium in the sky. The modern taste for goldfish and terrapins has doubtless led to the trend of discarding shabby umbrellas in park bins and on busy roads.
5. Peroxide of Hydrogen
What a multi-purpose wonder this is! We use peroxide of hydrogen to remove yellowing from our bone knife handles. I’m not sure where the hyphen goes in ‘bone knife handles’. Wherever I place it, the result is quite macabre. Either the knife is for cutting bones or the knife handle is made of bones. Maybe the knife is used to make bone knife handles? I’m going to leave the hyphen out for now.
When we’re not whittling bones to make knife handles, we are conscious of our appearance – that’s why we use Peroxide of Hydrogen to burn off our freckles.
6. Eau de Cologne
You might imagine that we use this to cover up the odour caused by all the vomiting, diarrhoea and dead terrapins but you’d be wrong. We use this to clean our diamond rings and our packs of playing cards.
7. Gin
However tempted you may be – don’t drink it! You’re going to need it to make an astringent for your greasy skin.
8. Boric Crystals
We use this to make our eyes sparkle. Boric acid has not yet proven to be carcinogenic but tests in dogs have shown that it can cause testicular atrophy. Women only, then.
9. Lemon Juice
Even though the house is positively awash with peroxide of hydrogen, we will use lemon juice to bleach the yellow out of our grey hair, giving us the perfect head of silver hair.
10. Colourless Iodine
We use this to treat your enlarged knuckles. This will also fight fungal infection in toenails. If you have any left over after daubing your hideous knuckles and revolting feet, drink it as an expectorant to help move that stubborn phlegm. You disgust me.
11. Cascara Sagrada and Impecacuanha
As if life doesn’t offer up enough opportunities for purging, your medicine cupboard would be bereft without these exotic-sounding laxatives and emetics.
12. Mustard
We rub mustard on the hands to remove the smell of onions. What we use to remove the smell of mustard is not documented. Mustard spoon required.
The Homecraft Book by Ann Hathaway, published by Pillar International Publishing, will be available in all good and proper bookshops from November 2nd.
