In a second extract from RODDY DOYLE'Snew book, the men with the pints chew over deficits, the presidential election, Somali pirates and the return of emigrants for Christmas

3-10-11

– Have yeh made your mind up yet?

– A pint – same as always. I haven’t had to make me mind up since –

– I meant the election.

– Ah, shove it.

– Well, it’s either tha’ or the Greek default.

– Alrigh’ – fuck it. Who’s goin’ to

win?

– Hard to say. They’re all shite.

– I seen Mary Davis’s Sex an’ the City posters.

– There yeh go. An’ Mitchell. He said you can see the house he grew up in – in Inchicore, like – from the window of the Áras. An’ he’s goin’ to look out at it every mornin’.

– An’ shout, Fuck you, Inchicore.

– He could get the queen to do it with him the next time she’s over.

– A bondin’ exercise.

– Exactly. She probably never gets the chance to say “fuck” at home.

– Talkin’ abou’ fuck an’ the queen. What’s McGuinness up to?

– Says he’ll only pay himself the average industrial wage.

– The fuckin’ eejit.

– I’m with yeh. He says he’ll employ six young people with the money left over.

– Cuttin’ the grass an’ washin’ diesel. What about the Senator?

– Ah Jaysis. It looks like Greece is goin’ to miss its deficit target an’ has fuck-all chance of avertin’ bankruptcy.

23-12-11

– Are yeh all set for the Christmas?

– Fuck the Christmas.

– Ah now –

– There was no way he was the son of God.

– Who?

– Jesus.

– Which one?

– Wha’?

– Which Jesus, like? Your man over there or the Israeli fella?

– The Israeli, o’ course. Your man over there – that’s only his nickname. His ma was called Mary an’ the postman’s name was Joe. His real name’s Larry. Annyway, Christmas is a load o’ bollix.

– Is your eldest comin’ home this year?

– No.

– Too far?

– Yeah. So he says.

– Where is it he’s gone again?

– Drogheda.

– That’s only up –

– I’m messin’. Melbourne.

– New Zealand.

– Exactly. Nearly all his pals have gone. All over the place. An’ there now. Jesus. Jesus over there, like. His lad – Danny. D’yeh know wha’ he’s up to?

– Wha’?

– He’s a Somali pirate.

— Fuck off.

– True as God. He saw it on the news an’ liked the sound of it. So off he went.

– Did he do a course or somethin’?

– Not before he left – far as I know. I don’t think there’s a piracy course here. Yet.

– He’ll hardly be home for the Christmas.

– No, this is their busy time.

Extracted from Two Pints, which will be published by Jonathan Cape on Thursday. © Roddy Doyle 2012