Con Textthis week looks at SUB

Severely Useless Bonds? Single, Unavailable, Busy? Slap-Up Breakfast?

Picture the scene. You are standing at the cash machine, taking out the paltry tenner left in your account, when you notice a massive four-wheeled yoke trundling along the footpath, bearing down on you with frightening speed, steered by a determined-looking woman in MBTs. Before you can react, this juggernaut has knocked you off your feet and you find yourself sitting in the gutter, getting not so much as a second glance from the driver, who has sped on in a flurry of dust and baby powder. You are one of an increasing number of people who have been hit by an SUB, or Sports Utility Buggy.

A little monster truck?

SUBs, otherwise known as SUV strollers, have taken over the sidewalks of our towns and cities. Pedestrians are finding it difficult to negotiate their way past these baby behemoths, and authorities in some cities are considering banning SUBs from public transport because they take up space needed for elderly and disabled passengers.

But why do little babies need buggies big enough to carry a baby elephant?

Although childhood obesity is a growing problem, babies in general haven't become much bigger. Buggies, however, have ballooned in size. In the past, parents were content with a McLaren or some other such compact stroller, but these days no self-respecting mummy is seen without an '08 Bugaboo, Quinny or similar "travel system". You'll encounter these supersized strollers blocking the aisles at the supermarket, clogging up coffee shops or making it "squeezing room only" on the bus or Dart.

So, just get mummy to move it out of the way.

You try asking a typical yummy-mummy to shift her darling offspring out of your way! Some drivers think they own the road - well, yummy-mummies actually do own the footpath, and it's a brave citizen who'll try and tell them otherwise.

Okay, so I'll just mind my own business and stand over here then.

Stand there long enough, and you'll eventually feel the wheel of an SUB bumping against your leg as a haughty mum tries to nudge you out of the way. She's not gonna back down, so if you don't move fast, you might find yourself face-down in the ditch.

How rude. Can't someone do something to stop these big buggies from running loose?

In Ottawa, Canada, transport authorities have been considering a ban on SUBs on the city's buses, after a recent incident involving a bus driver and an SUB-driving mama. The driver and the mom got into a row about her buggy being bigger than the bus, and it ended with the driver closing the door in the mom's face and driving off - with one of her kids.

Serves her right - she can walk, or just put an engine on the buggy and charge fares.

Some businesses are making provision for these pumped-up perambulators. Coffee shops such as Starbucks make sure there's space for them, and many shops have set up a designated storing area for them.

What, they build an aircraft hangar?

Even with all the space in the world, toddler tailbacks still develop, and parents are being asked to be sensible. If a shop is stuffed with strollers, parents can come back later when traffic is thinner, or if the bus is brimming with buggies, they can wait for the next one.

By the way, don't you have one of those SUBs, do you? Was it you who knocked me down on Grafton Street last week?

Er . . .

Try at work:"They've opened up the new toll plaza, and it's €2 for a buggy."

Try at home:"Good news, darling, we got planning permission for buggy storage."