Alumnus: Someone who used to go to your college, and is now being held up as some kind of god or role model whose magnificent achievements should be an example to all. The achievement might be balancing a Malteser on the end of their nose for 20 minutes, but it's still held up as the pinnacle of human endeavour.
Bachelor: Your first degree, awarded after completing a three- or four-year study programme. Nothing to do with Batchelors, the makers of the baked beans and spaghetti hoops that will be your staple diet over the next four years. Also note: if you are still eating baked beans and spaghetti hoops from the tin 10 years after graduating, then you probably are a bachelor.
Campus: The college grounds, or your new kingdom. Familiarise yourself with every walkway, nook and cranny – it will be useful when trying to find your way back to your rooms after 10 pints, discover a place for a sneaky smoke, or dig a tunnel into the Trinity Ball.
Common room: This is the room used by students to relax and chill out before going back to their studies. However, you'll find that, as the term progresses, some students seem to spend all their time chilling out there, only taking a short study break every Wednesday afternoon.
Debating society: Debating (left) is a strange, arcane ritual that goes back to Ancient Greece. A proposition is put forward. One person argues in favour of that proposition, while another puts forward an argument against it. The issue is thrashed out with wit, intelligence and minimal use of weaponry – which of course would never happen in real life. But then, who said college was any preparation for real life?
Dissertation: A long essay, or, more often, a long-winded talk given by one of your mates in the pub.
Ents: The student body that organises all the entertainment. It is usually headed by a shaman-like figure known as the ents officer, a sort of free-spirited, dreadlocked bloke who's so well-connected, he can get Led Zeppelin to play in the canteen.
Fresher: You think you're a fresh-faced newcomer who will soon be shown the ropes by older students. Wrong. In the lion's pit that is college life, you are fresh blood for sacrifice, and you will be mercilessly tormented as the bottom-feeder you are. There's no way to disguise your fresher status – they can smell your fear a mile off and see the terror in your eyes at 50 paces.
Freshers' week: An intensive week of orientation, during which you can make new friends, join some of the clubs and societies, and generally get acquainted with college life. In other words, a week-long party.
