Pre-marriage courses are required by the Catholic Church - and often dreaded by couples. But the courses are adapting to 21st-century lifestyles, reports Kate Holmquist

An actress friend getting married in the Catholic Church used to dine out on her story about a pre-marriage course she was forced to take in which she was told about the wonders of or-jasmine. Orange and jasmine evoked a fruity, flowery aphrodisiac, but it turned out that this was merely the course teacher's own pronunciation of a physiological function - orgasm.

Many couples seem to regard the pre-marriage course required to get married in the Catholic Church as a necessary hurdle, although not one of the more enjoyable or even enlightening aspects of their wedding preparations.

"I did the course this weekend and I have to say that it was completely useless and painfully boring. I learned nothing that isn't common sense. I'm so happy that it is over though as I really couldn't sit through it again," a B2B (bride to be) told the weddingsonline.ie website recently.

Another said: "We did ours this weekend too. COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. Had to fly home from London to do it and missed the Friday night part (thankfully!) so got to spend all day Saturday sitting in a cold hall being preached at basically . . . to be honest, the only reason we did it was because our priest said we had to."

While some B2Bs said on the website that the courses were helpful, others didn't understand why they should have to do it at all: "God almighty you'd think that the fact that we are getting married at all would be good enuf for them. . . and not continuing to live in sin!!!!!!!!!"

With press like this, no wonder the expectations of pre-marriage courses weren't high for Evelyn Naughton (29) and Derek Cribben (31), two intensive-care nurses from Dunshaughlin, Co Meath, who will marry on New Year's Eve and then greet the new year with 192 guests at the Crover House Hotel in Co Cavan.

Evelyn and Derek met 10 years ago when they were both training in London and have been together for most of the time ever since - including a six-year spell working and travelling in Asia, Australia and New Zealand before settling down near Evelyn's mother in Co Meath two years ago.

"I wasn't looking forward to it," says Evelyn of the required pre-marriage course.

"To be honest, we've been together 10 years, so we were doing it only because the Catholic Church was making us do it, but we went in with open minds," says Derek.

Courses run by the Catholic marriage counseling agency, Accord and other Catholic pre-marriage courses, involve 10 or even 20 couples participating together in courses run on the weekends, including Friday evening, Saturday and an optional Sunday mass. Evelyn and Derek's initial difficulty was finding a weekend when they were both free - since they often work nights and long shifts, including weekends.

Then they learned from a friend that the Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service (MRCS) does individualised three-hour courses in couples' own homes at a time of their convenience. The courses are acceptable to the Catholic Church. Evelyn was immediately won over because she imagined herself getting more out of an individual couple session than a group session. She says: "In a group, I wouldn't have been as open. I would have been sitting there thinking, 'it's not any of their business'."

After signing up with MRCS, the couple's first task was to fill in a detailed e-mail questionnaire that covered every aspect of a marriage, from sexuality and children to in-laws. They had to fill it in individually without consulting one another. Counsellor Francesca McGuinn studied their answers, then visited the couple's home for a three-hour discussion about the issues raised in the questionnaire.

"It was fantastic and that surprised me," says Evelyn. "I was quite freaked out about the whole thing but as soon as we met Francesca, that reassured us and she got us discussing things that we had each thought about individually, but had never discussed. It was very in-depth, helping us voice our feelings about issues. There are certain things you wouldn't talk about unless specifically asked. Francesca was beautiful and 'got you' totally."

Derek was equally reassured by the experience: "The questions were very detailed. When we met with Francesa, she gave us each others' questionnaire answers. When we discussed them, it reaffirmed for me that we wanted to get married for the right reasons."

McGuinn, who visits couples all over the country, says that the advantage of an individualised course is that the counsellor can help the couple to focus on issues that are particular to them. It also helps them to think in advance about some of the more practical problems that could arise in the future. In the first flush of marriage, couples may not consider how they would feel about adoption or having an in-law move in with them - even though attitudes to these eventualities can potentially make or break a marriage.

The concept of individual pre-marriage counselling began 10 years ago, when Claire Missen, who was with MRCS at the time, was asked by the Church of Ireland to create a pre-marriage course that would suit busy working couples, many of whom had one or both partners living outside the country. Pre-marriage counselling is recommended, but not compulsory, for marriage within the Church of Ireland.

Says Missen: "To these couples, having to attend a marriage preparation course may seem superfluous. If they have already survived cohabiting, surely they will have no problem resolving differences after they are married. If this were true, marital breakdown would be on the decrease, but in fact the opposite is true.

"Attending a marriage preparation course is not a guarantee of a successful marriage, but it does give couples an opportunity to spend time reflecting on their relationship, emphasise the positives and notice areas of difference. With the guidance of their course provider these differences can be addressed at a time when the motivation to resolve them is naturally high."

Most Irish couples who get married in church, do so in a Catholic one. For at least 40 years, the Catholic canon law has obliged priests to be certain that engaged couples have given "serious thought" to the sacrament they are about to undertake. For decades, most priests have out-sourced this role to professional pre-marriage counselling providers, the biggest of which is Accord, which has 57 centres, each offering 12-16 courses each per year. Milltown Institute in Ranelagh and All Hallows in Drumcondra also offer courses.

These Catholic, group courses book out fast, so engaged couples need to secure a place at lease six months, but ideally nine months, in advance, says Stephen Cummins, director of education for Accord. Increasingly, couples are so focused on the flurry of wedding preparations, they forget to book a course, he says. Some priests will facilitate a couple by offering a pre-marriage preparation themselves.

Accord's pre-marriage courses are conducted by trained, married people for groups of couples and are held in institutions and, occasionally, hotels. Personalised, at home pre-marriage counselling "would not be professional", says Cummins. (Obviously, the MRCS and the Church of Ireland beg to differ, as their at-home courses are conducted by professional, trained counsellors.)

Accord couldn't offer The Irish Times a couple to interview, but it does have testimonials on its website, such as: "It was good to talk in a group and not be put on the spot," and: "The subjects covered by the course give you food for thought and also make you realise more clearly as a couple just how close you are and helps you recognise positive aspects of your relationship that you may have taken for granted."

Couples should ensure that they put the cost of the course in their wedding budget. The MRCS individual couple course costs €220 per couple, the Church of Ireland individual couple course is €100 (with an additional €80 paid by the State) per couple, and the Accord course costs €130 per couple.

•Contacts: Catholic church: www.accord.ie; Church of Ireland: www. marriagematters.ireland.anglican.org; Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service (non-denominational) www.mrcs.ie