The latest dating book is laughable, insulting - and uncomfortably true in places, writes Louise East
Finding a boyfriend is not always easy. Inevitably, the one person you're interested in is determined to keep your relationship to a surly "Howya", and Irish society doesn't really go in for dates.
Although most relationships start with a snog at the end of a party with a friend of a friend's brother, this is hardly the most reliable of mating rituals. So a book described by its author, Laura Doyle, as "a practical guide to attracting and marrying the right man for you" should be the answer to every single woman's prayers, shouldn't it?
Well, yes and no, because the book's title is The Surrendered Single and, in it, Doyle suggests that to find a man, women should relinquish all control of the dating process and strive constantly to be feminine.
If that sounds familiar, then it's probably because of last year's hullabaloo when Doyle's first book, The Surrendered Wife, declared that by handing over her finances to her husband and never contradicting or criticising him again, a woman could have the perfect marriage - just like Doyle's.
The Surrendered Single requires a similarly seismic shift in attitude. Having admitted that she wants to get married, Doyle's surrendered single will smile at every man she sees ("When you surrender to the desire to be married, your countenance and body change"). She will start wearing a skirt because "consciously or unconsciously, you remind yourself that you're feminine, and feminine is what men are fundamentally attracted to".
If that lot has left the surrendered single with her teeth enamel and her sanity intact, she is bound to meet what Doyle refers to as "a great guy". Of course, she mustn't dream of asking him out ("Men are less likely to be romantically interested in women who ask them out") and, on the date, she must keep quiet because "we're softer when we're simply smiling and responding than we would be if we were trying to direct the conversation". She will simply endeavour to be the "goddess of fun and light".
It would all be quite funny if it wasn't for two things. The first is that the loudest laughter is likely to be that of Doyle on her way to the bank to lodge another royalty cheque (the last book sold 200,000 copies in its first two months). Like it or not, relationship advice books have never been hotter, from The Rules (two million copies worldwide since 1995) to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (13 million copies in 40 languages) and, most recently, Stop Getting Dumped (subtitled All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love With You and Marry "The One" in Three Years or Less).
This last (which came with a money-back guarantee when first published in the US) suggests you should always be dressed to meet "the guy" and have cinnamon rolls baking in the oven when your date picks you up.
The ideal woman conjured up in such books is a bizarre concoction. She is career-focused (so he'll know she has interests), mad about baking, immaculately groomed at all times without appearing to try, and possessed of the messianic determination of a wannabe Big Brother contestant - no phone calls, no sex, and no awkward questions. Is it any wonder that the appreciation of Nigella Lawson, the bun-baking, cleavage- revealing, lipstick-wearing, career-oriented author of How to be a Domestic Goddess, has reached cult-like proportions?
The 1950s feel of much of the advice dished out in The Surrendered Single is in part explained by the contrary cyclical nature of popular culture - if the societal norm is empowerment, then the only way to be "new" is to laud the conventional. Meek is the new mighty. Apparent male insecurity in an age of equality has been well-documented, so hankering for an era when women played more predictable roles is hardly surprising. But when it comes to dating books, there's also a more uncomfortable truth, which is that some of what they say is true.
While you might discard the instructions to wear lipstick while jogging (The Rules), if you've been single for any length of time you'll recognise the tiresome accuracy of some of the more fundamental pointers. Most women I know acknowledge the need to be a bit hard to get at the start of a flirtation. Flirting itself is a vital skill, and even The Surrendered Single's heavy-handed reverence for femininity rings bells.
Women do tend to get more male compliments when wearing skirts, while personally I got a lot more attention when I grew my hair long. Is it just because it suits me better that way or because (as many friends also report) men like a flowing mane?
Still, the glib reliance on evolutionary biology (boys will be boys, and vice-versa) of the relationship guides doesn't allow for the billion and one ways of being masculine and feminine. It doesn't account for my three male friends with a self-proclaimed love of bossy women, for the men who prefer girls in jeans, or for the men and women who just don't fancy you, damn them.
Despite The Surrendered Single's claim that "femininity is what men are fundamentally drawn to, so those are the qualities that will attract a man who's right for you", real life convinces most people that reducing the two halves of the population to a set of pre-programmed reactions is as insulting as it is laughable.
