Relationships are among the most important things in our lives. But when things go wrong, how can we learn to make them better? Anne Dempsey reports
Family relationships seem increasingly under pressure - and there's no map to chart an easy path once difficulties arise. But one route which is attracting increasing interest is the Harmony in the Home course for adults.
It began in the US 15 years ago, and more than 4,000 people have now participated in the five-week programme world-wide. In evaluation, seven out of 10 say they feel better able to cope with family life after doing the course. An Irish version, adapted by Holy Spirit Father Tony Byrne and Presentation Sister Kathleen Maguire, is running in Dublin this month.
Both organisers spent many years working in the developing world and feel their current initiative is missionary work Irish-style.
"Relationships are the most important thing we do. There are new models of family life in Ireland, and our aim would be to reach out to people, meeting them where they are. The course provides a forum for discovering ways in which home life can be a greater source of comfort, understanding, tolerance, peace, harmony and serenity," says Father Byrne.
The course, which can cater for up to 300 people, is relevant equally for couples, parents, singles and those separated. While it may be of help to those caught up in bullying or domestic violence, it is also aimed at those who simply want to deepen a good relationship. Each evening begins with a question for silent consideration, followed by a short lecture, then time for response. You can be a silent participant and still benefit.
"The questions we would ask at the beginning are about the past, helping people get in touch with feelings, and so more in tune with themselves and the subject. The speaker's input represents the present, while the open forum at the end points to the future."
Course speakers include John Lonergan, governor of Mountjoy prison, psychiatrist Brian Houlihan, psychologist Marie Murray and family law lawyer Anne Dunne.
A way of avoiding unnecessary conflict is demonstrated through role-play of the speaker-listener technique. Conflict of itself is neither good nor bad, they suggest, it's how you handle it that makes the difference. "You can either react or respond," explains Sister Kathleen. "Conflict analysis shows that people react negatively if they feel invalidated or criticised, leading them to attack or withdraw, thus escalating the problem. The technique we role-play is solution-focused. People take it in turn to talk and listen to each other, the listener's role is to paraphrase back what they hear."
When people listen carefully, they can hear in a new way and respond accordingly, helping the speaker to feel heard. Gradually, both begin to better appreciate the effect of what they say on the other.
"The result is usually a compromise. We also suggest to people that they have a fixed time where they can sort things out, and if things are getting very hot and heavy, to take time out for everyone to calm down a little.
"My hope for the course is that people would come to have a better understanding of conflict, which is part of life. We can't have a home without conflict, our aim would be to open up the area so that people would be better able to handle it," says Sister Kathleen.
Andrew Fanthom (37) and Emer Sinnott (35) married six months ago and live in Dublin 12. He is a civil servant; she works in customer services. They are interested in personal growth and social justice. They attended the Harmony course, looking for some helpful hints as new homemakers.
The session on conflict resolution gave them food for thought. "We row about tidiness, whether the correct TV programmes have been video-ed, when I can't be contacted on my mobile phone," says Fanthom, ticking off hot topics on his fingers.
"The biggest one is Andrew not listening to me," says Sinnott. "We both work full time, I can get upset if the house isn't tidy, and sometimes give out about that, when really it's something else that's bothering me."
The way they row has its own practised rhythm. "Emer says something, and I might reply in a way that causes her to blow her cool," Fhantom says. "I'll try to smooth things over, and it has the opposite effect - 'don't tell me to cool down' - and then I blow my cool, and voices are raised. In a bad row, she might storm upstairs and I go for a walk to cool down. This can last a few hours, and we seem to need to go through this phase before we are ready to listen to each other.
"I like the theory of Tony's approach, though I don't know how it would work for us. I imagine if I tried to reflect back, she could say 'don't patronise me', as this does happen. Rows are upsetting. We notice we're more likely to row on Friday night so we're trying to be more aware in advance."
What did they get from the course? They praise the speakers, and Fanthom adds: "I think the people that impressed me most were those asking the questions from the floor. We don't have children yet, but I came away with a lot of compassion for the courage and commitment of parents."
Sinnott adds: "The role play did crystallise some things, and was helpful on ground rules, taking time out and listening to each other.
"Growing up, I would have thought that every family was perfect except mine. But listening to people on the course you realise that there isn't a kid in the world who wasn't told at one time they were useless or stupid. I learnt I was normal, that my childhood was normal, and that's a very good basis to build on."
Harmony in the Home will be held in St Mary's College, Rathmines, Dublin 6, January 22nd - February 19th, each Tuesday night from 8 to 9.45 p.m., cost €25. Contact: Course Director, 3 Cabra Grove, Dublin 7, tel: 01-8380157 or 087-243112.
