So why are you writing about beloved Boykes, the greatest cricket captain England never had?

He may have been England's highest-scoring batsman, but it appears that he also bowled the odd maiden over. Geoff has been engaged in a one-man crusade to make cricketers appear sexy, scoring both on and off the field, although his efforts have come unstuck following charges of assault in a French court by one of his ex-girlfriends.

One of his ex-girlfriends?

Geoff has enjoyed a number of high-profile relationships since 1963, despite living with his mother until he was 40. They include singer Shirley Weston and Anne Wyatt, a civil servant. Wyatt was somewhat older than Geoff: when she came to see him at Headingley, one of his fellow cricketers innocently told Geoff that his mum was downstairs looking for him.

His most serious relationship, on and off for 24 years, was with Rachel Swinglehurst, the mother of his 10-year-old daughter. Finally, there was Margaret Moore, who is blonde and wears curious green and blue make-up around her eyes and mouth, making her look like a parrot that has been feeling a bit poorly. She claims she was the victim of an attack by Boycott in 1996.

Bit of a domestic, was it?

Geoff and Margaret were staying in a hotel on the French Riviera when an argument ensued. According to Geoff, Margaret threatened to commit suicide by jumping from the balcony, although he didn't intervene to stop her until she tried to throw one of his suits out the window.

Well, he is a Yorkshireman - blunt, knows the value of a pound.

You mean he's rude and tight as a gnat's bum. Others who have known him describe him as selfish, arrogant, acquisitive, difficult and capable of thinking about no-one but Geoff Boycott. His enemies don't like him much either.

Including this Margaret Moore, I take it?

True, although there is a slight difference of opinion on what exactly took place. Geoff claims Margaret tripped and bumped her head, while she claims that he held her down on the ground and struck her 20 times. She said in court that Boycott told her it was no worse than being hit by a cricket ball. "What is a cricket ball?" asked the confused judge, although there were cultural difficulties on both sides. "It's very difficult to take in because everything's in French," Geoff complained, a little Englander to the last.

So Geoff stood alone before the French beak, just as he faced Australia's batsmen in 1977?

Er, no, not quite. Two of his ex-girlfriends turned up to support him and Rachel Swinglehurst organised his defence, claiming that he was a sensitive, passionate lover in a cynical attempt to curry French favour.

When is the verdict due?

November 10th. Expect gruff Geoff to be bowled a googly by the judge, and declared out for four - women, that is.