Do you, Madonna Louise Ciccone, take this fat fee, a free wedding frock and an all expenses paid honeymoon in exchange for faithfully promising not to let anyone else take pictures at your "private" nuptials in a sleepy village in the Scottish Highlands . . . So help you God?

Lesser celebrity brides and grooms have yelled "I do" - or more often OK! - in response to this somewhat indecent proposal, but word is that Madonna and director Guy Ritchie's bash is going to be more Brad 'n'Jennifer, than Posh 'n'Becks. They are said to have shunned the glossy spreads in celebrity magazines and plan to release only one carefully chosen snap to the salivating media and pop fans after the event is over.

The 42-year-old Queen of Pop will not want a repeat of her last saunter down the aisle of tabloid scrutiny. When she wed Hollywood rebel rouser Sean Penn in California in 1985 the couple could barely hear their vows because of helicopters filled with gatecrashing photographers hovering overhead.

It was an ignominious beginning to a union which lasted only four years, and Madonna will be careful to avoid any such hijacking of her second attempt at marital bliss in the drowsy village of Dornoch next Friday. But whatever measures she puts in place, the event is still likely to eclipse the joining of actors Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas in the Plaza Hotel in New York earlier this year.

Theirs, the cynics said, was a carefully choreographed exercise in self glorification, with the Boston Globe among other commentators pointing to the fact that while one (Zeta Jones) had a movie coming out the other (Douglas) is hoping for an Oscar nomination for his latest flick.

The timing was a PR dream, the logic follows. Publicity driven in the extreme - it goes without saying that OK! magazine became the couple's official wedding photographer for a £2 million fee. Celebrities may be human too, but some of them become blown-up versions of themselves, caricatures who with more money than sense can make their dreams come true. It's just that some dreams should remain in the realm of fantasy, and Madonna has lots of recent examples of how not to do it to choose from.

Look at Posh and Becks. Their wedding in Lutrellstown Castle, just outside Dublin, last year was an orgy of excess and irony-free kitsch. They sat on £8,000 thrones and cut their cake with a sword. The King and Queen of Bad Taste proving beyond doubt that class is something money cannot buy.

Madonna may also be thinking of TV presenter Anthea Turner and Grant Bovey who were a laughing stock after their wedding celebrations last August. Apart from welcoming OK! into their private world of matrimonial excess they also posed for photos with Cadbury's newest chocolate bar, which came free with each Anthea and Grant festooned copy of the fawning publication.

Most of these celebs protest that they want their special moment to be a private affair but that in these days of media domination a publicity-free event would be virtually impossible.

It's a lie as white as the offending Cadbury's Snowflake. Not many people can recall details of the wedding ceremonies of the late John Kennedy jnr and Carolyn Bessette, or Sean Penn's marriage to actress Robin Wright or Melanie Griffith's to Antonia Banderas all of whom managed to tie the knot in privacy. They managed it because they wanted it. Most attention seeking celebrities do not.

Paul Gascoigne and now ex-wife Sheryl certainly didn't. They were paid the measly sum of £150,000 by a glossy for pictures. Unofficial ones showed Gazza urinating while holding a glass of bubbly in his hand. Spice Girl Mel B became Mel G when she married her dancer boyfriend Jimmy Gulzar.

All the guests were made to wear white and went from the church gate to the pews under cover of a long tent to prevent their exclusive deal being scuppered. Sixteen months later Mel G went back to being Mel B. Celebrity knots prove easier to untie, it seems.

More worrying is the news that the public, in the UK at least, are getting in on the act. A survey in bridal magazine You & Your Wedding revealed that in an effort to emulate the over-the-top celebrity bashes, couples are spending more than ever before on their weddings.

"Two years ago it was considered naff to get married," said Editor Carole Hamilton, adding that the recent rash of celebrity weddings has made extravagant spending on nuptials something of a fashion statement.

However, Madonna and her Guy try to solve the acute public interest versus the couple's right to privacy equation next week, it would be nothing short of a miracle if their plans were not sabotaged in some small way whether by ingenious press or indiscreet wedding guests who can't help blabbing to eager hacks.

English jurist John Selden knew, even back in the 17th century, that marriage was something best left to the bride and groom. "Of all actions of a man's life, his marriage does least concern other people, yet of all actions of our life 'tis most meddled with by other people," he opined.

The problem is that celebrities don't mind the meddling as long as it reaps financial reward. As PR guru Max Clifford has said, it's only a matter of time before someone walks down the aisle with a sponsorship logo on their dress. We can only hope that person won't be the Material Girl.