THE brainstorming must be fierce at the moment. There's just 10 days left for the country's independent programme-makers to get their act together if they have an idea for a TV show that RTÉ could air in 2007.
Many cans of Red Bull and cups of bad coffee have been swigged as prospective showmakers argue the toss about what the national broadcaster really, really wants. Of course, these showmakers should really be talking to Discotheque. We have form, people.
Back in July 2004, in one of those columns about how any chump could come up with a TV hit if he or she put their mind to it, we pitched a surefire ratings winner called Celebrity You're a Star. It would, we claimed, be the biggest TV event to hit this country since Cabin Fever hit a big rock.
Did we get any credit for this when Charity You're a Star began in 2005? A show which was line for line what we pitched with just a slight title change? Thank goodness, no. Still, it shows that people in RTÉ other than radio DJs and researchers read Discotheque, pinch our ideas and pass them off as their own.
So, naturally, it's time to return to the TV pitching floor and do a bit of shouting. Unlike those production companies with photos of RTÉ commissioning editors in compromising positions (how else do some of their shows get made?), we just have bright ideas and buckets of enthusiasm.
Here, judge for yourselves with these super seven:
Political Bootcamp A TD each from Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael, the PDs (while they still have some Leinster House representation), the Greens, Sinn Féin and the independent cabal pitch their tent at the Oxegen festival. The winner is the one who survives the weekend, recruits the most new members and gets the most mud on their suit. Note: put them in campsite A.
Two to Remember Brian Kennedy continues his new career as RTÉ's light entertainment muppet of choice by presenting a new series of duets which have made the Irish charts over the last 40 years. Note: the show will provide the station with ample opportunities for text messages, websites and other revenue streams.
The Jukebox of Debt Presented by David McWilliams (or Eddie Hobbs - we're not fussy), Jukebox is a wholly interactive programme showing the synergies between entertainment and economics. Each week's audience will be asked to guess just how much money a record label has wasted trying to break a guest band. Note: try to get Six and An Emotional Fish back together for this one.
Celebrity Taxi Driver Instead of "I had that Lorraine Keane in my cab last night", it will be "here, I was in Lorraine Keane's cab last night!" A show where a cross- section of Irish celebs take to the streets of our cities as taxi drivers. It's a chance for some unique latenight discourse between the plain people of Ireland and our new celebrity class. All fares to a nominated charity of the celeb's choice. Note: ensure celebrities can drive.
CHiPs Transported from the sunny highways of California to the grey and unpleasant stretches of the M50, Frank Poncherella and Jon Baker must now cope with Irish road rage, bad female drivers from Offaly and culture shock. Note: title needs work, what about Curry CHiPs?
Comedian Superstars A remake of seminal sports show Superstars featuring various Irish comics. Watch and giggle as Karl Spain tries his hand in the gym! Can Des Bishop cycle faster than Tommy Tiernan? And is that Ed or Jason Byrne who looks like they're drowning in the swimming pool? Note: we could also do Chick Lit Superstars.
Louis Says Primetime TV laughs with the Kiltimagh tiger as he tells it like it is on the hot issues of the day. Anyone who knows Louis knows he has a bitchy word or two for absolutely everything, so here goes. Ronan Keating's perfumes? The Port Tunnel? The state of the health services? Bertie Ahern's fashion sense? The Ryder Cup? Note: Louis won't require a script.
