It's set to be a very quiet summer in that field in front of Slane Castle. For 16 of the last 25 years, this rather large green has hosted one-day concerts which have been sometimes good, often bad and usually indifferent, writes Jim Carroll.

But this year, two and a half decades on from Rose Tattoo, Sweet Savage, The Bureau and Megahype introduced rock to the village, there will be no show at Slane. There was no show last year either, due to Eminem suffering from "exhaustion, complicated by other medical issues", to quote his press flunky.

The lack of a big headliner willing to come to play for the plain gig-going punters of Ireland means there's no Slane in 2006. While there was also some guff spoken about not being able to find a suitable act who could match the theatrical setting of that big field, the fact that the truly awful Stereophonics were allowed to set foot in the venue in 2002 throws that particular reason out the window.

No, there just isn't anyone touring right now who can pull 80,000 punters to a big field in Co Meath. Venue owner Lord Henry Mountcharles said that "we don't want to put on a show for the sake of a show". Still, it would be a shame to let the silver jubilee just pass by without making some kind of an effort to mark the occasion.

Enter Discotheque, with yet another brainwave. You don't really need one big, imported, credible, expensive headliner to bring 80,000 people to a field in Co Meath. Hell, 80,000 people (allegedly) turned up in a field in Co Meath to see Madonna, so there's no accounting for what will bring people out of their gaffs.

What you need to celebrate 25 years of Slane is A Grand Day Out, an all-Irish, all-singing, all- dancing bill of crowd-pleasers and entertainers.

We know that an application has already been made to Meath County Council for planning permission to host a show at the site this summer, so some of the legwork has already been done. All you need now are some acts, a couple of hundred access-all- areas laminates, and a bloody big bowl of fruit salad to feed the talent.

You want ideas? Here, what do you think I am, a promoter? There are professionals who will charge you a huge wad of cash to do that kind of thing.

But, seeing as you're asking, you could open with the Slane Shuffle. Every year, Slane has featured a few Irish acts early in the day to make sure the PA is switched on and that the crowd are in the mood for drinking.

How about randomly picking one of those contractual obligation acts from previous years and getting them to open the show? We feel there's huge potential for a TV tie-in here, especially if you get the cameras to follow the bands from the 1980s as they meet up and try to remember the words to their tunes.

Then, get The Stunning to reform. Again. They've done it a few times now so we're sure that if they'll play with Bryan Adams, they'll play with anyone. They'll be up for the gig if the money's right.

What's next is a real cracker. You're a Shite Star should run through the entire day. Featuring Podge and Rodge rejudging all the You're a Star and Celebrity You're a Star finalists from the last few years, we're surprised that no-one at RTÉ thought of this already. Big laughs, folks, big laughs.

Sport is always big with Irish punters, so get the Munster rugby squad to lead the crowd in a full- bodied rendition of all those great terrace anthems. They can then get into a scrum or something on the stage and everyone will cheer.

And there's more. Open-air financial advice from Eddie Hobbs set to improv jazz! The public flogging of the Camembert Quartet while Roy Keane walks Triggs across the stage! Charlie Haughey: The Musical! Do you really need a big American rocker or rapper to fill that field in Co Meath with a line-up like this?