I HAVE high hopes for Ethical Man, the fellow described the other day by my colleague John Waters and I look forward to making his acquaintance.

I am not interested in the coincidence that the advent of Ethical Man was announced on the same day that the media began devoting endless space to the Dunnes payments tribunal.

John listed some of the "glib media categories" by which men have been diminished - from New Man to New Lad - and looks forward to the more sensible ethical option. However, if Ethical Man is to relate to the world beyond fatherhood and masculinity, he will have to incorporate and/or engage with a few other versions of decent modern man, and there may be problems.

Environmental Man has recently come to the fore in England. He is personified in the figure of Swampy, otherwise known as Daniel Hooper (23). Honest Man, meanwhile, has emerged in the form of newsman, or News Man, Martin Bell.

But the more Swampy is interviewed and written about, the more trivial he has begun to appear. His recent appearance on Have I Got News for You? was an embarrassing disaster. His answers were foolish and witless. And the media have not been slow to put down the young man until recently hailed as a hero. In one newspaper he was referred to as "quite staggeringly dim".

Meanwhile, in pitching himself politically against Neil Hamilton (Sleaze Man), all that has been achieved by ill advised newsman and Honest Man Martin Bell is to make it clear that Hamilton is a much superior politician.

It is disappointing for the public when Honest Man turns out to be Fairly Useless Political Man, while Very Dubious Man continues to be a success as Political, Man. But it should not be surprising.

The truth seems to be that you can be Environmental Man or Honest Man or Clever Man but never Whole Man. Maybe it is simpler to be Just Man, or failing that, just man.

But I am interested in the business of insults.

Swampy became the subject of amusement in certain journalistic quarters when it became clear he didn't know who Neil Hamilton was.

Personally, I felt cheered rather than amused. Swampy is so innocently antisleaze, or would be if he knew what sleaze is, that he does not even know the main characters embroiled in the allegations. Complications do not exist for Environment Man and those of his innocent ilk.

Being aware of who Neil Hamilton is does not imply brilliance, it merely means that one has kept up with the news. In a fairly short time, Hamilton will be a mere footnote in British political history and knowing of his exploits will mean nothing at all.

Politician Liz O'Donnell was recently mocked for not knowing, in a question and answers slot with Ann Marie Hourihane, who Denzel Washington was. The implication is that she is out of touch, and there fore (supposedly) politically suspect. In fact, all it means is that she probably doesn't go to the movies very much, which may be a huge cultural black mark in some areas, but not in - as many as some commentators imagine.

She may be one of those strange people who prefer books.

Every now and then we are regaled with giggly newspaper reports on judges who have betrayed some ignorance of fiercely relevant modern pop culture, such as who the famous grunge artist Shicky Di Doo is, or to whom Patsy Kensit is married this month. We are all then supposed to be wildly amused at the lofty unworldliness of the judiciary.

However, some people find it reassuring that people taking serious legal decisions have not got their heads stuffed with idiotic ephemera and grotty street culture. There is comfort to be drawn from the knowledge that many judges are probably unaware of where their nearest McDonalds or Extravision outlet is.

I was disappointed also to read recently that the Bishop of Rochester, Right Rev Michael NazirAli could name all five Spice Girls though it was a relief that none of his colleagues could name more than one or two.

"It is very important," says Rev Michael, " for the church to keep in touch and have street credibility."

This sounds a bit like parents trying to be their children's best friends, when their children just want them to be their parents. A hopeless enterprise. But that's the Bish - Street Cred Man. {CORRECTION} 97042200002