It's the 22nd (yes, you read that right) series of The Only Way Is Essex and what have our fave reem residents learned after eight long years of being on the telly? Naff all, as the Duchess of Diamante, Gemma Collins, might put it. This week's episode could have been an instructional video about the ways in which men should never converse with the opposite sex.
James Lock may have had his ears pinned back but sadly there is no surgery available to fix what is going on between them or save the lone fly that is maniacally buzzing around the cavernous barn beneath his expensive, new hair line. Lockie and the boys are in Barcelona for a random knees up, which involves wandering around the beach shivering in their vests and swallowing shots from overgrown test-tubes at clubs that look like the inside of an Ugg boot.
Still reeling from an argument at dinner with his missus Yazmin he tries to make amends with the other girls that were present who balked at his treatment of her, but before he can summon up the energy to defend himself there’s just enough time to snap at Georgia for committing the sin of wearing a low-cut top, shouting that the offending item looked like “a pair of Joan Collins knickers” before insisting she cover up with a jumper as she’s in the presence of “ver lads”.
Marching outside to the assembled ladies he acts like the annoyance in every club’s smoking area that magically materialises and manages to stub out the night just as the gossip is turning interesting. Within the first two minutes of the conversation he announces that he’s “a gentleman” but when challenged about his aggressive behaviour by Chloe L, asking why he fails to treat his girlfriend with any respect as a downtrodden Yazmin dissolves into tears, he reacts by swearing into her face, jabbing his fingers at her, demanding that she stops crying and “playing the victim” then – in the jackpot of toxic-tosser bingo – stalks off screaming ‘I’M A NICE BOY!’ like the Incredible Hulk of frustrated masculinity – convincing absolutely no-one.
Awkward exchange
Meanwhile, back at the bar in another intensely awkward exchange, gravel-voiced lothario Jon Clark pops over to apologise to ex Lauren for cheating on her but not before finishing his laundry list of shame with the sighing schoolboy pay-off "sorry for just being me and breathing" then asking what his mortified ex-girlfriend wants from him, even though he was the one to interrupt her chat. When Georgia steps in to say his apology now sounds less than sincere, Jon (ironically wearing what looks like a makeshift uniform) doubles-down on his childish behaviour repeatedly calling her a "wally" before the girls retreat hopefully to find men whose vocabulary extends beyond the days of Panini sticker swapping in the playground.
Back in Brentwood there's Dan who has miraculously found two women who can tolerate his desperately bland banter – the kind that makes Michael Owen look positively charismatic and is now in the predicament that both have found out about each other and are slightly miffed that he said he could sweet-talk the two of them into believing whatever he tells them. Given the fact that he has all the charm of a public urinal after closing time it will be interesting to see how this pans out.
Could the only way actually be Arg? Who would have thought that bumbling James Argent, with his nervous giggling and 90s boy-band hairstyle, would be the pinnacle of manhood to be found on the show. Things are once again blossoming between James and Gemma, the Den and Ange of reality telly. There is talk of a move to Spain, of joint accounts and perhaps even thoughts of motherhood in Marbs? Maybe the GC has finally achieved the impossible and found a true gem amongst the knock-off diamond geezers; it only took 250 episodes, there's hope for the other girls yet.
