Inside the Hospice: ‘Most have regrets... sometimes very sad regrets’

“If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed in life, it’s death: We’ll all face it sooner or later.” The opening lines of Inside the Hospice (Monday at 9pm, Virgin Media One), sets the tone for this heartfelt documentary on the rich lives of those on death’s door.

Sitting outside on a sunny day, we find Eileen McGovern and her friends drinking prosecco like they always used to do.

“It’s very entertaining planning your funeral,” McGovern says (“I shouldn’t be saying that,” she quickly interjects). “Because you think of all the things that you want and all the things that you hope.

“I was thinking of all the great fun I’d have [talking with everyone after the funeral], and the lady pointed out: ‘You know you won’t be there.’”

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Five years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, which soon spread, leaving her awaiting her fate – but waiting for the end she does not: “I could be gone tomorrow, I could be gone months away. There is no date, there is no time. So I’m just living as best as I can and making plans and doing all the normal things that you do with your life.”

Since her diagnoses, McGovern rediscovered love with her husband, Iggy, and jokingly recalls how they want to play the Muppets classic, Mah Na Mah Na, at her funeral. It’s this kind of comic relief that permeates Our Lady’s Hospice in Harold’s Cross, Dublin.

Through the stories of those attending the hospice, Inside the Hospice looks at death and grief in Ireland from the perspective of those facing it. Between 300 medical staff, 100 additional staff and 400 volunteers, the operation is an institution in itself, and there’s little question of the deep relationships developed with patients and their families.

Sometimes it’s better not to know and just deal with the day as the day comes

—  Aoife Yeates

“I think people – particularly people who’ve never been to a hospice before – expect it to be very morose and dark and doom and gloom and everybody’s very serious and talking about dying all the time,” says Dr Cliona Lorton, a palliative care consultant at the hospice. “People are really surprised to come and hear laughter.”

Dr Norma O’Leary says often “people’s faces drop” when she talks about her work: “It’s not depressing work, and it can be very joyful particularly if you feel you’re making a difference to patients and their families.”

The hospice caters for just 36 inpatients at a time, with the rest visiting as outpatients or called to at their homes by doctors and nurses. Home is where most want to stay, especially towards the end.

Ray Yeates has received care from Our Lady’s Hospice for some time now, and features in the documentary. Four years ago he fought off gastric cancer, but last September it came back, and this time it was for good. The doctors gave him six months to live – something he doesn’t ask for updates on any more.

“Sometimes it’s better not to know and just deal with the day as the day comes,” his wife Aoife tells The Irish Times.

Staff from the hospice helped with his treatment and pain management in recent months, visiting his home where he lives with his wife in Sandymount.

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“They’ve been a big support,” he says. “It’s delicate at this stage you know. They’ve gone to great lengths to [manage] my pain and symptoms. I mean, there’s no curing this thing. It’s not going to go away. It’s going to get worse.”

I don’t have a fear of [death] at all, because I know it’s going to be gentle

—  Eileen McGovern

Yeates was previously fed through a tube in his arm, but amid a greater threat of a blood clot, this treatment has stopped and for the last two weeks he has been living off fluids and his body fat. He hasn’t eaten anything solid for months, and as an enthusiastic amateur cook, he greatly misses his home-made pad Thai.

“[The hospice] allows me to spend more time with the family at home. The alternative is a hospital taking me in permanently. I don’t want that,” he says.

Friends, children and grandchildren visit his home regularly, making the most of the time they have left together.

Although the documentary is keen to highlight the life that continues right until those final moments, the first episode is not without its tear-jerking moments. Fraser Holden, who was diagnosed with motor neuron disease, strives to make the most of his time with his young daughter, despite his debilitating condition.

“I dread to think what you will be like when you’re 13,” Holden says of his daughter’s childish antics. A heartbreaking comment: little does she know he’s unlikely to be there to see her reach that age.

His wife, Orlagh, clearly and understandably struggles with the situation: “I’ve cried every single day since the 24th of May (the date of her husband’s diagnosis), but I’ve also laughed every single day since the 24th of May.” She doesn’t cry in front of her husband any more, to reduce the burden on him, she says.

Shauna Sweeny, a chaplain at the hospice, says meeting patients without regrets is rare: “People have regrets. Sometimes very sad regrets. Not telling people that they love them. Not hugging their children. Not giving up work sooner than they should have. Not going on that holiday ... I’m sure all the people who we have in the hospital at the moment will trade places with you in a second.”

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Eileen McGovern didn’t think about death very often until she got sick. Tearing up, she recalls the memory of telling her son she’s going to die: “It was easier to tell my husband, because we’ve had all those years together, but telling my son was extremely difficult. He comes in every day, stays for an hour or two, we chat, we hug, and you know, love each other.”

At the end of the first episode, we learn McGovern died peacefully last September in Harold’s Cross surrounded by her husband Iggy, son Eoin and sister Neesa.

In the documentary, McGovern is calm and brave in her attitude facing into the unknown: “I don’t have a fear of [death] at all, because I know it’s going to be gentle. And I do want to go gently into that good night.”

The three-part documentary, Inside the Hospice, airs on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 9pm on Virgin Media One.

In addition to the broadcast, Virgin Media TV will be supporting Together for Hospice and their national campaign, Hospice Sunflower Days, encouraging the public to make a donation online to their local hospice by dedicating a sunflower at sunflowerdays.ie