I spend far too much time on my phone. Far too much. And I’m called out on it regularly. But it’s not an easy habit to break.
For one, I genuinely need it close by for work. The nature of the job is that the hours and workload are unpredictable, and reactive. I still haven’t fully recovered from that time I, a life-long Liverpool and Ireland football fan, missed a message from an ex-Liverpool and Ireland footballer, asking if I was available to meet in person for an interview. It was the only day he was going to be in Dublin.
And me, playing the role of good mother and leading by example had set the phone aside for 24 hours to lead by example to my children – but mainly to prove I could do it.
But anyway, work aside, there’s another reason for my dependency on it. Social media can be good company. Well, if you look away from the toxicity that lurks there, that is. And yes, I’d far prefer the company of real people, but that’s not always, or even often, possible in this incessantly busy world.
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I see students in class watching sport on YouTube or shopping on Amazon. The pull of internet distraction is exhausting
And so, as a people person, I take my people fixes wherever I can find them.
One of the problems with social media, however is that we all have our triggers that make us feel uncomfortable with who we are, or where we are.
For me, it turned out to be posts of women going away with their girlfriends.
But I never really mentioned it to anyone before, because, a) how do you explain that you’re a bit envious of women who have other women to go away with on a girls’ trip, without sounding a bit tragic? And, b) how do you explain that you’re a bit envious of women who have other women to go away with on a girls’ trip without offending your friends?
Until, that is, a friend, feeling the pinch of loneliness, sent me a message asking: “How do you make friends in your forties?”
I found myself thinking: “Well, I’m darned if I know.”
Like me, this friend has people to chat to via text or social media, but those in person meet-ups – well they’ve proven far more elusive. Here, working from the dining room table, much of the time, leaves little opportunity for chats with colleagues or to forge work friendships.
What is it they say about not missing something until it’s gone?
I tried sympathising, pointing out the twinge of envy I feel when I see others heading off on girls’ weekends away. It’s not that there aren’t wonderful, supportive women at the end of a text. It’s that I barely see them. Perhaps just a handful of times in a year, if I’m lucky, I explained.
My friend, who moved house last year, replied: “The thing is, I see the people at the side of the pitch who I know, but they’re not friends. As a parent, your friends are often other parents, your children’s friends’ parents. You don’t necessarily choose your friends anymore as an adult, and they’re not necessarily your tribe or people who you’d choose to be around, but they’re the only people I get to talk to.”
[ All the lonely men: how to survive the ‘friendship recession’Opens in new window ]
“I think there’s a lot of lonely people in our generation,” my friend continued. “And I think my parents had a lot more friends at this stage of their life than I do. There was a constant stream of visitors to our house. I’m in this house a year today, and I’ve had three visitors in that time. Sad, isn’t it?”
And it is a bit sad, but it’s partly a product of the life we’ve created, or the image we want to project. Where calling to someone’s house, without giving them sufficient time to make up an excuse to prevent you from doing this, could launch a hundred memes on social media. Where phoning is so two generations ago. And where being a people person is not something to brag about.
While social media shows us a world that’s often fake, selective, or heavily filtered, it can, in those fleeting moments of reality also remind us what we’re really missing. Even if it tried to convince us, at the same time, that not liking people makes for better content. But does it make for happier people?
How do you make friends in your forties?
I’m not quite sure. But asking how do you make friends in your forties that live close enough to meet up, have similar interests, don’t object to real life interactions and have a bit of freedom in their schedules that matches with yours, might be a little closer to real ask.
- Support for anyone in distress can be obtained by contacting the Samaritans on 116 123 or Pieta House on 1800 247 247. People can also text the word Help to Pieta House on 51444