Question
My 17-year-old son is in fifth year in school and says that he feels panicked at times – to the point that he cannot go into the school building (despite getting ready and walking there).
Sometimes, he feels panicked when in the school and feels he has to leave. We want to support him as best as we can, but we also want him to stay in school. How do we ensure we get the balance right?
He seems to be motivated to get to school, but he is not able to say much about what makes it so hard – he just says that the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go in.
Answer
Many teenagers find it hard to attend school and can experience intense anxiety or panic that prevents them from attending or makes them want to leave when they are there. There can be many different reasons for this and, in thinking how to help your son, it is important to build a detailed picture of what is specifically going on for him. Some children might be panicked by the demands of the course work or the social pressures in school or the sensory environment. Some might find aspects of the school routine stressful, whether this is unstructured breaktimes, moving between classes, demands to speak out in class or to sit quietly for long periods.
‘My 17-year-old says the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go into school’
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Sit down with your son and encourage him to talk about what is going on for him. Ask him how the panic builds as he approaches the school. What thoughts go through his mind? What triggers the panic when he is in school?
Many teenagers find it hard to articulate what is going on for them – they may just feel a panic and not know what is at the basis of this. These teenagers might need plenty of time and several conversations to express themselves. When talking to teens, I find it useful to provide a checklist of options to help start the conversation. For example, I might ask them to complete the sentence, “when I think of going to school, I feel ….” and ask them to rate options such as “under pressure about school work”, “the break time is stressful”, “I don’t know what to say to friends”, “the teachers don’t like me”, “it’s too exhausting”, etc. before asking them to describe their own experience.
With panic, it can be useful to help a teenager understand how it builds physically in his body. For example, you can ask them to complete the sentence “when I start to feel panic, I notice ...” with prompts such as “my palms feels sweaty”, “my heart beats faster”, “my neck feels stiff”, “my tummy feels sick,” etc. so they can understand more what is going on for them
Finding solutions
When exploring things that might help, it is important to first identify what is already working. For example, you might ask: “On the days you do get to school, how do you manage the panic? What is different then?” Or you can ask what supports help him with school and what does he enjoy once he is there. It is important to negotiate with the school to agree an individual plan to help him. Schools are getting better at understanding school panic and avoidance and they might have a school counsellor or other resource and special education teachers who can help.
Depending on your son’s needs, some of the school accommodations that might help are
1) having a pass that allows him to take a break from a class when he feels panicky
2) having a place in the school for a break, such as the library, a prayer room or a counsellor’s office
3) identifying a person in the school he can meet for support
4) being allowed to arrive late (with notice) and having a reduced schedule if a full day is too stressful.
The ideal is to negotiate a plan for your son with the year head and support staff so that it can be reviewed regularly to check it is working.
Whatever plan is agreed needs to be negotiated carefully with your son and all “what ifs” explored with him so he is on board. For example, many teenagers on special attendance plans feel embarrassed about what to say to peers (and as result may avoid school altogether). In these instances it is important to rehearse with your son about how he will explain this to classmates. Rather than going into too many details a simple story such as “sometimes I feel sick and need to take a break” or “I have lots of medical appointments outside school” can be sufficient.
[ ‘The level of anxiety we’re facing in schools is unprecedented’Opens in new window ]
Planning for alternatives
Whereas some children feel better when they overcome their panic and attend school, some simply find the school environment inherently stressful and continuing to attend can wear them out or place them on the road to burnout. In these instances it can be better to plan a reduced schedule or some time off and/or look at alternatives. At 17, it could be that your son might study better at home for some subjects or with support from an individual tutor or an online class. While there might be a lot of pressure to attend school for the full day, it may work better for your son to have a reduced schedule and to plan other parallel options that work better for him.
For more support, there are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK, as well as some useful resource packs for parents and teachers published by cypsc.ie
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a course on Parenting Exceptional Children in January 2025. See solutiontalk.ie