Surviving suicidality: ‘Running gave me my life, so I will give my life to running’

For a long time, Aidan Loughnane suffered with anxiety, depression and a panic disorder, which first manifested at the age of 17. “I think when I was 14, I was 15½ stone. I started to lose weight when I was about 16, so that kinda led up to what maybe spurred the panic attack,” shares the now 31-year-old Tipperary man.

“I became very obsessed with weight loss in a negative way,” he says. " I developed an eating disorder and, by 19, I was diagnosed anorexic. I was bulimic for a short period of time. I became so obsessed with weight and weight loss that I would starve myself for days.”

The panic disorder Loughnane contended with on a daily basis was so profound it crippled his ability to pursue his dream of going to college. He got a retail job, but the monotonous nature of his routine exacerbated his anxiety and depression.

Living in constant despair led to one of the lowest points in his mental health, and he made a decision to take his own life at the age of 19.

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“I never wanted to die,” says the mental health advocate who lost his friend to suicide three years ago. “I always feared death so much. The idea of dying was just so scary. It haunts me. But I just felt as though I could not go on living life day after day.

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“I was working in Dunnes at the time, I was only there an hour. I walked up to my manager and said, ‘look, I need to go home, I feel sick’. She just said the usual and asked if I could stay on, and I just broke down crying. I was going home to kill myself – that was the reality. It was so hard for me because I was scared, but I knew that it was the day that both of my parents weren’t going to be at home so I left work.”

On his way home, Loughnane walked past a cathedral, and almost by divine intervention, he was pulled to go inside. There was a woman who he says showed him “a single act of kindness” that stopped him from going home to end his life.

“I wish I could say that after that day everything got better, but it didn’t. I struggled for a long time. And then, a defining moment in my life which was massive happened when I was 21 years old. I was home for the weekend from college and my brother died. He died in an accident and it was a moment in my life that made me look at everything very differently.

“I will never forget the pain I saw in my father when he was leaning over the coffin. When I saw the pain first-hand in front of my eyes, I said, ‘how could I ever put my parents through that?’ And after that day, I didn’t know how, but I said, ‘you have to find a way’.”

Due to a number of challenging factors involved with generating suicide figures in Ireland, accurate recordings on annual deaths by suicide still remain unclear. According to a recent update from the Central Statistics Office, a total of 449 people died by suicide in 2021 – 80 per cent were male. The discrepancy in suicide rates between men and women speak to the silent struggles regularly faced by men and how these mental health battles are having detrimental effects on their lives.

Loughnane says his life continued to be a relentless journey of “not killing” himself.

He says that, one day, he discovered the power of running. It took him a few weeks to acclimatise to running, but after implementing it into his life from May 2021, he had a pivotal moment during a local trail run that changed his life forever. “It was about seven o’clock in the evening. I remember looking through the trees when the sun broke and I just started crying, I remember I felt such ease, I felt like I had transcended my body,” he says.

“For a moment I was no longer suffering. It wasn’t hard any more. Everything felt so beautiful and at peace, and that’s why I continued to do it [run]. Even on the bad days I run because of what running gave me – running gave me my life, so I will give my life to running.”

According to Diarmaid Ó Ceallaigh, a postdoctoral research fellow at the Behavioural Research Unit in the Economic and Social Research Institute, the effect of physical activity on depression and anxiety specifically is comparable to psychotherapy or medication. “From looking at all the studies that have been done on physical activity and comparing them to studies that have been done on therapy, the effect sizes – so basically – the effect that physical activity has on depression and anxiety is, you could say, it’s around the same as those for stuff like therapy,” he explains.

“There’s not enough evidence directly comparing the two saying which is better than the other to be able to conclude that one is better than the other definitively. But what you can say is that physical activity is something that is truly beneficial for somebody that is struggling with some mental health issue like depression or anxiety, and maybe just as effective as CBT.”

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A recent study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that physical activity can have a number of advantages over psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy.

Loughnane says he was prescribed a benzodiazepine for two weeks at the age of 24, but it proved to be ineffective in the long run for him. “I took medication for two weeks to try to get me over a hump. I felt great. I felt on top of the world. But it was when I stopped taking them that I experienced a different kind of monster. After that, I just promised myself that I would never take it again.”

The running enthusiast, who was recently a guest on Niall Breslin’s Where is My Mind live show, now runs 50-90km every week. Although Loughnane admits to still having struggles, he finds he is able to use running as a tool to unpack mentally.

He also uses his Instagram platform – which has 200,000 followers – to spread awareness around mental health and running. For those who feel that their life isn’t worth living, he has a very powerful message.

“Take it from somebody who has seen what loss looks like on their family,” he advises. “Never underestimate the value that you have on those around you, and never underestimate your importance.

“Know that the world is a better place with you here. I have been there and I know how hard it is to believe that at times, but you will shape someone’s life for eternity with your loss.”

Get support

• Pieta House, 1800 247 247, text HELP to 51444
• Samaritans, 116 123, jo@samaritans.ie
• Suicide Or Survive, 1890 577 577, info@suicideorsurvive.ie
• Aware, 1800 80 48 48, supportmail@aware.ie