Question
I’m struggling to find meaning in my life and can’t make myself feel happy. I don’t mean that I have depression – I don’t think I have, but my life is not what I expected it to be.
When I was in college, I thought that when I’d earn my own money, I would be busy going out, invited to lots of events and have a close group of friends – not quite like Sex in the City but not too far away either.
I do have a good job, but none of the other things have worked out. I don’t seem to have a close friend group, those I used to be close to in college have all dispersed to Australia and Vancouver and I haven’t made any new friends in work. I know Covid didn’t help as I got my job right in the middle of it, so didn’t actually meet anyone live until a year later. And also, I only go into work for meetings roughly twice a month so there are no Friday night drinks there, or anywhere.
I feel really resentful that I put all this huge work and effort into a career and now I’m unhappy and lonely and fed up. I am online for dating and, to be honest, this is also a depression-inducing activity and now I can hardly be bothered. Is it me? Am I the common denominator and are people staying away from me? I’d hardly blame them as I know I am bitter and resentful and not much fun to be around. I can talk to my friends on zoom or WhatsApp, and they do understand, but they all seem to be so busy with their international group of friends (finding each other in foreign cities) that I feel like I bring every conversation down if I keep telling them how I feel.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I do have a good family, but they all have their own lives too and I want them to be proud of me and not see me as a burden. The whole adult world is sold as a bright shiny thing but its actually a sad and lonely place.
Answer
You are caught in a moment between eras – the time when people met naturally in work situations moved quickly (driven by Covid) to a world where the things we took for granted no longer apply.
No doubt there will be an adjustment and the pendulum will swing to a new normal where other methods of meeting will apply, but in the meantime, you are caught in that no-man’s-land where your expectations and reality are at odds. The Friday drinks where colleagues could connect and flirt are largely no more and it is becoming common that work meet-ups only happen once a month or even more rarely. In fact, if you want to entice youngish people to meet now, you might be more successful if you organised a running or hiking event as this might result in more attendance. Things have changed and there is nothing for it but to let go your past expectations and navigate the new reality.
The biggest part of this for you might be in facing your resentment, accepting that what you were sold as an adult world is not real and then choose to participate in the current life that is in front of you. Letting go resentment requires you to accept fully where you are right now; you do this because you are not imagining it, it is your reality and with acceptance you get some emotional freedom to address what is going on in your life. Your resentment is blocking you from seeing the choices that do exist for you and it keeps most people at a distance as they feel the wave of negativity coming towards them when they are with you. You are lonely and need fun and companionship and you must ask how can you get this.
Loneliness is a powerful human emotion that is so bad that it pushes us into breaking out of our defences and risking connecting with other human beings. It requires vulnerability to address it and so you must gather your courage and take steps towards a more meaningful life. While the option of giving up your current life and joining friends in Australia or Vancouver is always worth considering, perhaps smaller steps might be more doable in the immediate future. If you spend your days working from home alone, then you need lots of activity (with others) in the evenings and at weekends in order to create some balance. It is much easier and more enjoyable if these activities are linked to interests of yours, eg exercise, drama, volunteering, music, etc.
Once you become engaged in whatever activity you like, and are meeting new people, your attention will no longer be trapped in a cycle of negativity and you might find that you have more space to look around and make some wise choices for yourself. As you are freed from your self-absorption, you will become more attractive and confident and others will begin to seek you out. Your capacity to decipher the genuine from the chancers in online dating will improve hugely and if you need to move location to improve your social life you will do so because it is a good move and not one done out of desperation.
You are self-aware enough to identify the issues. Now gather your courage and commit to some social engagements (without too much judgement) and make your world bigger.
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