Merry Christmas everyone.
Yes, yes, we know that the back-to-school ads are still being aired and many folk have yet to go on their summer holidays but it seems you can’t get your festive wishes in too early these days. And remember there are only 135 sleeps until the big day.
While it might seem like we’re just a little premature we’re actually pretty late to the Christmas Party and in recent weeks retailers have been falling over themselves to remind us that the big day is coming and the geese are getting fat - or at the very least starting to hatch.
First out of retail hatches this year – by its own account at any rate – was Selfridges.
In what can only be described as an unfortunate attempt to make Wizzard’s wish come true by making it Christmas every day, the massive department store on London’s Oxford opened its seasonal shop on August 1st.
Almost all of its fourth floor has been transformed into a winter wonderland complete with Santa Claus, snow, pine trees, 50,000 Christmas decorations and some – presumably – very, very sad elves sweating in green jumpsuits and staring out at summer skies to an endless soundtrack of Stop the Cavalry, Driving Home for Christmas and Jingle Bells.
"Despite the summer weather, we're in full festive mode here at Selfridges," Geraldine James, Selfridge's Christmas home and decorations buyer said with a straight face when the shop opened.
In a couple of weeks, Brown Thomas on Dublin's Grafton Street will follow suit. Last year it opened its Christmas shop on August 20th, when temperatures across the land soared to 20 degrees, and Santa Claus and his happy little helpers were turning over for another snooze.
This is not new. It happens every year. And every year it is accompanied by faux outrage.
So it will be in the weeks ahead but you can expect the high-end retailer to robustly defend itself against the keyboard warriors (and journalists like this one) who will rage against early onset Christmas by pointing out it is merely responding to demand.
BTs might be first to open its Christmas Shop but it has been beaten to the Christmas punch by Argos which sent its festive catalogue out to journalists this week. It said it was “delighted to share” its specially selected ranges. To be honest, we were less delighted to get it but felt compelled to read it all the same.
Argos has, helpfully, split the genders into two new gift categories alongside the traditional “man” and “woman” ones that we’re used to. Men are categorised as being “on a mission” while women are “contented”.
We’re not sure exactly what mission men are on in Argos-land or just how an old-school record turntable (that was a device used to play music back in the day, kids) or an angry-looking voice-activated toy will help them complete it. And it seems that for a woman to be contented, all she needs are hair removal and hair drying devices, cushions (seriously?) and something called a Barefaced Vibra-Sonic which almost certainly doesn’t do what you think it does.
There is also a Generation Z category – lava lamps, bean bags and Polaroid cameras will be big this year, which makes the new generation look a whole lot like baby boomers of yore.
The Christmas madness is not replicated elsewhere. On the continent, the Christmas celebrations are considerably more muted and people don't know it's Christmas until it actually is, you know, Christmas. In Australia and South America nothing festive happens until the beginning of December at the earliest. And even in the US things are more low-key until after Thanksgiving has passed.
Mind you in other countries, when the parties begin they only last a couple of days at most and don't turn into a two-week bender as happens in Ireland.
And that kind of temperance just sounds crazy.
