I married a man who wasn't Irish. We got hitched in London where we met, and when we moved to Dublin a few months later I accompanied him on his compulsory visits to the immigration centre. There was a sign in the office that read "Aliens, This Way". Suddenly I was starring in a bad B-movie: Mom, I Married An Alien!
It was the mid-1990s and we were both on the dole. We would sit in a café near the social welfare office on Marlborough Street and drink watery coffee while we waited to see how much money they'd give us. We got jobs collecting glasses in a quayside nightclub where we started to notice people were drinking more water than beer. As you passed by with your leaning tower of glasses they would try to massage you. This was Generation E, we discovered. They wore white gloves that shone under UV lights and they smiled too much and too wide.
After a couple of years of my Alien being a good boy, we had to undergo the interview process so that he could be naturalised and become an Irish citizen. We were so nervous about it, I rented the movie Green Card, hoping for some tips. I was Andie McDowell and he was Gerard Depardieu. I mean, what if they asked him my favourite perfume? What's his shoe size again? In the end, the process was pretty painless. He got his passport and we set off to live in that place called happily-ever-after. But a few years later, to the genuine sadness of both of us, I starred in a sequel called Mom, I Divorced An Ex-Alien. It wasn't half as good as the original.
I think this experience of seeing things from an alien point of view must be part of the reason I get so emotional about the upcoming referendum on immigration. I've been devouring the press coverage, informing myself on the issue like I've never done for other referendums. I didn't want to just have a knee-jerk reaction to such an important change to our Constitution. The fact that for the first time in my life I find myself in agreement with both Sinn Féin and William Binchy is just a cross I have to bear.
This is what I feel. Anger at people who think the referendum is all about keeping foreigners out, and more anger at politicians who, as long as it's passed, don't really mind if that's the reason people vote Yes. Disappointment at a Government which can't be bothered to hold a proper debate on the subject, and more disappointment that they hold us in such contempt they feel they don't have to provide proper facts and figures to back up their claims. Confusion. More confusion. Is such a major change to our Constitution of so little importance that homes in Dublin received the Referendum Commission's booklet a measly 10 days before the vote? Apparently so.
But it's not just my personal experience that makes me so emotional. The main reason is that I smell a rat. Why, when the health services are in crisis and homelessness is still a huge problem, is this issue considered such a priority? Exactly how many babies are being born here to parents who just came to get citizenship for their child? Why does Minister McDowell keep dismissing rather than addressing the arguments against his proposal? There are too many questions and too few answers for me to even consider voting for this amendment.
I was on the hustings last week and when the politician I was tailing moved on from a couple of young girls having a pint outside a city-centre pub I asked them did they know anything about the referendum. What referendum, they said. They will be voting for the first time in their lives next Friday. They are interested in the issue, they agreed, after I had explained the basics, but if I hadn't mentioned the referendum to them they didn't think they would have heard about it.
So really, it's no wonder that a recent opinion poll indicated the amendment will pass. But it might not pass if people who don't normally vote take some time to examine the issue. They might see that there hasn't been enough time to properly assess the arguments. They might feel they don't trust this Government and the arrogant way they are trying to rush this through. They might decide our liberal citizenship laws - the kind that make us unique in Europe - honour our rich heritage of immigration and emigration by bestowing Irishness on all babies born here.
They might look at how they have embraced the multi-cultural Ireland of today and how they want that Ireland to thrive. They might decide that babies should not be born aliens while other newborns in the same ward arrive in this world with a superior set of rights, modern Ireland's version of a silver spoon. Mama, The Baby's An Alien! Coming soon to a Constitution near you.