We all need personal boundaries but often struggle to enforce them, partly because we don’t understand what they are and partly because we don’t know how to build appropriate walls. For many of us, our wellbeing boundaries, which protect us from becoming overburdened, depleted and burning out, have become obscured over the last few years.
Healthy boundaries we may have successfully built in our relationships, careers and how we work have crumbled and we have struggled to rebuild those walls because life is significantly complicated and different now. While the goalposts have moved, the ability to establish new boundaries has not. It’s a matter of knowing why limits are needed and actively building them, block by block.
As a psychotherapist and someone who trains workplaces on psychological safety, Gillian Fagan of Acora Therapy has witnessed an increase in discussions surrounding boundaries with her clients. Boundaries can give us a good foundation in an uncertain world, she says. However, before we can implement boundaries, we need to understand what a boundary is and what it means to us personally.
“Boundaries help us build better relationships through informed consent and communication,” says Fagan. “Without boundaries, it is easy to be taken for granted and feel manipulated. Poor or no boundaries can lead to increased anxiety, stress and burnout. We usually discover our boundaries by accident.”
Trust
Building walls with anyone, especially those we love, admire and respect, can be complex but, as Fagan reminds us, boundaries are not intended to cause conflict. “They are a way to develop trust and protect your vulnerability,” she says. “While you might feel compelled to please others, it is important to look after your own mental wellbeing. Most of us feel bad for even considering boundaries. We feel that if we state a boundary, we are rude or risk disappointing others. This mindset indirectly implies that what we want doesn’t matter and learning to say no is not important. Many of us are afraid that boundaries will push people away and we won’t be liked, but the opposite is true.”
Those who argue with our boundaries are the people who will benefit from them not being there at all. Our boundaries do not work to their advantage, making them resistant to our efforts, which makes it increasingly difficult for us to advocate for ourselves and build those walls. But as Fagan says, “You cannot set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!”
Fagan knows it can be very daunting and scary to communicate our boundaries to others, especially if we are afraid of rejection or are people pleasers. However, she asks us to recognise that the cost of sacrificing our boundaries is much more implicit. Poor boundaries can diminish our sense of self, subdue our confidence, damage our self-esteem and negatively impact our relationships. And so Fagan reminds us that boundaries make us feel safer.
“How many times have you said “Yes, sure that’s okay” when it wasn’t,” she says, “and it felt like you were giving up a part of yourself? Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and our rules of engagement in dealing with others. When we define and communicate our boundaries, it allows us to acknowledge our needs.”
When we consider whether our boundaries are porous or if they have been violated, we can ask ourselves: Do I feel safe? Do I feel respected? Am I heard and listened to? Do I feel validated, appreciated and valued? When I say no, is it respected? Are my needs met?
“The importance of boundary-setting cannot be overstated. It is not always as simple as saying no. Our feelings about boundaries usually connects with our attachment style and how we are in relationships. Sometimes the discomfort of setting a boundary can highlight that there is deeper work to be done. Working with a therapist, counsellor or coach, reading up on boundaries and knowing your attachment style can all help in knowing your limits and being able to communicate them for healthier relationships.”
Boundary-setting requires learning, self-awareness, patience, determination, communication and knowing when to cut ties with someone if boundaries are not respected. It is a significant learning curve and a challenge as we navigate difficult conversations, understand what we need and continually work to uphold our own boundaries and those of others. It is and always will be a work in progress.
Assumptions
Fagan’s top tips for recognising, implementing and establishing boundaries include: “Start by getting rid of assumptions,” she says. “You cannot assume what is and is not okay for others and hope they know what is okay for you. We are not mind readers. We all have different boundaries. What is okay for one person might not be okay for another.”
“Boundaries are about knowing yourself,” says Fagan. “Identify your values, your needs, your rights and priorities. That will help signpost to what is important to you and where your limits lie. Look to when you find yourself emotionally triggered. Usually that would signal a breach in boundaries. Feeling safe is a primary boundary for all of us, therefore global issues such as the pandemic and war can trigger a deep sense of anxiety. We have the right to feel safe.”
“There are many areas in life that you can assess your boundaries,” says Fagan. “Think of what your personal limits are with social media, relationships, money, property, time, work, family, sexually and spiritually. It might help to just focus on one area as a starting point if boundary-setting is new to you.”
“Develop the skills in communicating boundaries,” says Fagan. “This might mean doing some journalling beforehand to get clarity on what the boundary is and why it is there. When setting boundaries lead with ‘I statements’, such as ‘I feel, I need, I am.’ For example, a boundary could be: ‘I need some space to decompress.’ When a boundary is crossed communicate it there and then so that you can be assertive in holding the boundary. Be consistent with your boundaries. While you do not need to have the same boundaries with everyone, being consistent with the same people helps reinforce the boundary. Rather than thinking of boundaries as conflict, think of it as developing the skills to troubleshoot conflict.
“Honest communication improves understanding and connection in relationships.”
Finally, Fagan reminds us to take responsibility for our boundaries. “Be the hero of your own story and hold yourself accountable for what you will and will not stand for,” she says. “You do not need to apologise for having boundaries.”
