Q I was hoping you could offer some guidance for dealing with my eight-year-old son's anxiety. He is a very shy and very self-conscious child although in general he gets on well in school and has some friends. His main difficulty is when he comes to performances in school, ie class assemblies were parents are invited into the classroom to watch, Xmas plays etc. Since he started school he has always ended up in tears at these events. Initially I thought he would grow out of it but as he becomes older his anxiety has increased and he will be upset days before the performance. He is always given parts where he doesn't have to talk and sits at the side or back where he might feel more comfortable – however he describes feelings of sweating and heart-racing, which means he can't get through a class performance even when he has a non-speaking part. He will typically end up crying a minute or two into it and run out or be taken out by the teacher.
My question is should he be excused from this type of activity until he has better coping mechanisms or should he still be encouraged to participate even though it will end in tears? I have read that avoidance can reinforce the anxiety. However crying in front of his peers and a room full of parents will also create further anxiety.
He is getting to the age now where others in the class are starting to slag him about crying so I'm really not sure what the correct path forward should be. I'm wondering if you could recommend any type of therapy that could help with some of the issues described.
A. When someone feels anxious, they will tend to avoid the source of that anxiety. As your son is fearful of public school performances, he will try to avoid these to alleviate the distress he feels. However, such avoidance is problematic as it can cause him to miss out on important life events. In overcoming anxiety, the classic advice is to encourage the person to drop their avoidance and to face their fear – the goal is help them discover that they can participate in the event and manage their anxiety. This seems to be the approach that the teachers are trying to take with your son, but unfortunately it is not working. The school performances bring on too much anxiety for your son so that he escalates his avoidance strategies by crying or running out, which means he does not get through the experience with the feeling that he can manage. Further, his avoidance strategies are getting him extra negative attention (eg, being slagged by the other children) which further reinforces his anxiety and will make him more keen to avoid the situation the next time. Fortunately, there are lots of things you can do to help your son. Have a look at some ideas below.
Make the challenge smaller
One the best strategies for overcoming anxiety is to approach it gradually and to overcome it in small steps. At the moment, participating in a full school performance is too big a challenge for your son. Could you and the teachers break this down into a smaller challenge that your son would find easier to complete? For example, maybe he would only attend the first few minutes of the performance before going offstage, or perhaps he could be given a creative role that is less fearful for him (eg sitting in the audience, or helping with the set up of the stage). Alternatively, you could let him take part in the rehearsals and agree that this year he does not have to take part in the performance. The crucial thing is to establish a small enough step that he can complete, without having the experience of his anxiety overwhelming him and his avoidance taking over. For example, supposing the school agreed that he can just do the first bit of the performance (before he goes and discretely sits with you in the audience) and he achieves this without getting upset? Then he has the experience of seeing that he can cope (and you can praise him for being so brave). Once the first small step is achieved, you can consider doing the next one.
Get your son involved
At eight years old, it is important to get your son involved and motivated to tackle his anxiety. Get his agreement about whatever plan you adopt and give him as much control as possible. For example, you might agree with the teacher that he will stay as long as he can in the school performance but when he needs to leave, he can give the teacher a signal and leave discretely before getting upset (you can then praise him for staying so long). Also, it can help to teach your son strategies for managing his anxiety such as learning to focus on the performance (rather than his anxiety symptoms) or using calming self talk (“I can do this” etc) or learning to relax his body by breathing etc. See other articles on my website for more details and references
Getting further help
Do consider getting professional help either from an educational psychologist or a professional in primary care or a child mental health service. Discuss with the school the best route for a referral. I will also send you directly some more information on seeking help. A child mental-health professional should be able to work with the school to come up with a detailed plan for helping your son and/or work with your son directly to teach him strategies to manage his anxiety himself.