Take a moment to look at your parenting skills and see if you can improve them in 2012, and make life easier for you and your family, writes SHEILA WAYMAN
IT IS the time of year when we reflect on our lives and resolve to try to do some things a little differently from now on – eat less, exercise more, grin and bear more frequent visits to the mother-in-law.
Considering that parenting “is the most important job we’ll ever do”, it makes sense to include it in the annual reappraisal of ourselves.
So we asked a panel of people who work with parents what they would like to see parents resolving to do – or do more of – in 2012.
LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD
“As adults we often don’t hear what is behind a message. We listen but we don’t hear,” says Irene Gunning, chief executive officer of Early Childhood Ireland. “We’re very busy and sometimes it seems maybe overtly indulgent, but there are occasions when we miss the really important thing.”
This applies no matter what a child’s age – as Dr Kevin Nugent demonstrated in his recent book, Your Baby is Speaking to You.
Years ago, taking note of a baby’s likes or dislikes were not considered, Gunning points out. But a baby turning their face away and refusing food may be telling you about an allergy that does not make them feel well, she says.
“Sometimes, it can be the really important thing you need to hear.”
MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF
Parents need to de-stress and invest in their relationship with partner and friends, advises Rita O’Reilly, manager of Parentline.
“This might be just a walk or cup of coffee. Somebody I know has had a regular ‘date’ with her husband since the children were small. On one night a week, they make a nice ‘adult’ meal and eat together after the kids are settled.”
Now the children are older, they know to sit in another room while mam and dad chat on that night.
CREATE MEMORIES
“Do something ‘out of the ordinary’ that will surprise your children and they will remember all their lives,” suggests O’Reilly. For example, organise a day out or a trip away when they are least expecting it. In larger families, time spent alone with one parent, without other siblings, is always special.
PICK YOUR BATTLES
Try to ignore the little things your offspring do that annoy you but, in the greater scheme of things, really don’t matter, says O’Reilly – like leaving clothes strewn around their bedroom floor. Yes, you can encourage them to desist, by washing only those in the laundry basket, but there is no need to declare all-out war over it.
START WITH YOURSELF
Most parents who choose to make a new year resolution, do so with the intention of “improving” their relationship with their child, says parenting mentor Paula McKenzie, founder of ParentsPlace.
“However, what is often overlooked is that the relationship you have with your child mirrors the relationship you have with yourself. In other words, what you give is what you get and vice versa,” she says.
Every child and adult needs: to be loved for themselves; to belong and to be accepted. If any one of these needs is not met, “children and adults will ‘present’ challenging behaviours until the underlying issue is resolved.”
VALUE WELLBEING OVER RESULTS
Aside from your relationship with yourself, says McKenzie, child-focused resolutions could include: to commit to placing the wellbeing of the child over performance or results and to try not to view difficult behaviour as problematic – “it is the child’s way of expressing the difficulties he or she is experiencing”.
CONTROL YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Take charge of your home environment, so that eating healthily becomes easier. “Make it easy to make healthy choices, and make unhealthy alternatives difficult,” says David Egan of RedBranch, a charity that promotes healthy lifestyle choices for children.
“If your kids feel peckish, it should be easy for them to get hold of an apple or a banana – whereas biscuits and crisps should be much harder to access. You have loads of power in this regard, since you control the family food environment.”
If you don’t have sweets and fizzy drinks in the house, your family will eat less of these unhealthy foods.
GET THE WHOLE FAMILY MOVING
Encouraging children to be active helps them to burn off excess energy and will leave them (and you!) in a better mood, says Egan, whose latest initiative is a new website, parentsforhealth.org.
Regular exercise helps children to avoid illnesses such as heart disease, stroke and certain cancers, improves mood, reduces stress and can even help children to do well at school. Ideally, children should be active for one hour every day.
“That may seem like a lot but it can be split into smaller chunks – so 20 minutes spent walking to and from school counts towards the daily total.”
Why not aim to go for a regular family walk? Egan suggests. “You will be healthier for it, and you’ll be helping to develop healthy habits in your kids. Remember to set a good example in this regard – you are your child’s most important role model.”
DECLUTTER FAMILY SPACE
Is your family living amid chaos in the house? Plan to tackle one room each month together – de-cluttering, repainting, repairing things from fitting new light bulbs, tightening door knobs, straightening paintings, cleaning windows, sorting all the CDs and DVDs, etc, says Carolynn Doyle of Family Flow, a consultant on re-organising homes. By the summer, “your home will be organised and flowing once again”.
MAKE A CHART FOR CHORES
Each member of the family should have responsibility for a certain number of things to do in their own home, as this creates a sense of self- respect and self-worth, says Doyle.
When allocating chores, include everyone in the decision-making so that there is agreement and co-operation. “Remember to thank each person for a job well done,” she adds, “it makes a huge difference for future co-operation!”
DINE TOGETHER
Make a commitment to have dinner together as a family at least once a week, says Doyle.
“We all have to eat, so try to schedule one evening together. It is a great time for everyone to catch up with each other and gives parents the opportunity to really check in with their children.”
Also, research shows that children who regularly eat with their families are more likely to develop healthy eating habits.
GIVE YOUR BABY SPACE
Babies have to learn how to connect with and co-ordinate their bodies and, to do this, they need lots of practise with plenty of space to move their arms and kick their legs.
So limit the time your baby spends confined in tight spaces such as car seats, baby chairs/bouncers, advises paediatric physiotherapist Patricia Weldon.
“Do put your baby on the floor everyday, so they can practise movement and figure out for themselves how to roll and move about.” This develops your baby’s body awareness and problem-solving skills.
Rolling helps babies integrate right and left sides and allows them to develop a good variety of movement as well as stimulating the semi-circular canals necessary for the development of balance and equilibrium.
SHOW THEM THE ‘OFF’ BUTTON
Make sure your children spend at least as much time flexing their big muscles with outdoor games as they spend flexing their little muscles on the computer and on the Xbox, says Weldon.
Lots of rough and tumble and plenty of running and jumping is necessary both to release energy and to develop strong healthy bodies. As children develop balance, co-ordination, strength and confidence in their movement it overflows into other areas of development and helps them in all areas of their life.
“First comes the gross motor then comes the fine motor,” she explains. “As parents we need to take responsibility for teaching our children the off button on the TV/computer/Xbox and we need to bring them to the playground, the park or the beach or somewhere for them to experience space and freedom of movement.”
GO ONLINE WITH YOUR CHILD
The single biggest thing you can do to keep your child safe online is to get involved with what they do online, advises Simon Grehan, internet safety co-ordinator at the National Centre for Technology in Education. “This makes it easier to share both positive and negative experiences in the future.”
For parents of young children, that means being the ones to introduce them to the internet.
“Sit them on your knee and browse videos of cats sneezing, play games on the SpongeBob website, or choose wallpaper for their virtual igloo on Club Penguin,” he suggests.
“With teens you might reverse the roles and get them to show you how to bargain hunt, share photo galleries, or play fantasy football.”
PUT THE MOBILE TO BED
If you haven’t done it already, Grehan recommends agreeing a rule about where a child’s mobile phone goes at night. There are many reasons not to allow the mobile to be on the bedside locker – receiving nasty text messages in the middle of the night is probably the biggest concern.
“But we are regularly hearing stories of children struggling to stay awake in class after spending the small hours tweeting from the warmth of their beds,” he adds. “I have a charging station in the kitchen in my house; this is where the phone sleeps.”
GET INVOLVED IN SCHOOL WORK
This does not necessarily mean sitting down with your child at homework time – for many parents working outside the home, that’s not possible. But always show interest in what your child is doing at school and encourage them in their work, says Áine Lynch of the National Parents’ Council (Primary) – “putting value on education for your children”.
CO-OPERATE WITH YOUR EX
If you and your partner are going your separate ways, agree that neither of you will say nor do anything to undermine the other’s relationship with the children, says Glynis Good, author of When Parents Split (Blackhall Publishing).
Studies show that a close relationship with both parents most helps the adjustment after separation.
“Separated parents need to work towards being partners, not competitors, in parenting. Co-operative parenting gives a gift of a co-operative, respectful and predictable relationship between the two most important people in their lives.”
RELAX
Give yourself a break – you are undoubtedly already doing some, or even all, of the above to the best of your ability. Always pick through other people’s parenting advice and only choose what you think will work for you and your family.
