Dear Roe,
I matched with a wheelchair user on Tinder, he is very handsome and very funny. But I didn't know he was disabled as it wasn't in his profile, and I'm unsure what to do. I have questions in my head – dating, holidays, sex, babies etc. Do I ask him or is it a case of "next"? I feel awful thinking like this.
Do you often rush to think about having holidays and babies with someone after one date? If you do, well, write into me again and we’ll talk about learning to enjoy both dates and people in the present, instead of rushing to imagine a future you have no idea if they’re even interested in. And if you don’t, then maybe think about why you’re rushing to think about these things with this person, and essentially looking for reasons to discount a handsome, funny person simply because they’re a wheelchair user.
Right now, you’re not even sure if this person wants to see you for two more dates, let alone have children with you, so try to stop obsessing over their body and your perception of its limitations regarding sex (which many people in wheelchairs do indeed have), holidays (again, which many people in wheelchairs do indeed have), and focus on enjoying getting to know this person.
Sex with people without disabilities can have its own challenges too, but have you ever sat around worrying that sex with an able-bodied man would be bad?
People with disabilities can often face a lot of objectification, fetishising, and infantilisation, as people either obsess over their bodies and sexuality, or erase their sexuality completely. Both approaches are hugely damaging.
Louise Bruton, the brilliant journalist, DJ and activist, created a show for the 2017 Dublin Fringe Festival titled Why Won’t You Have Sex With Me? to explore disability, sex, relationships, and the misconceptions that non-disabled people hold about the sex lives of people with disabilities. Speaking about the show to The Irish Times, she highlighted how often people with disabilities are objectified and reduced to their body parts.
“I know a lot of my male friends who are in wheelchairs, a lot of people come up to them and very specifically ask them does their penis work,” Bruton said. “I didn’t realise how bad it was for guys. That’s just not what you ask anybody. That is such a juvenile thing, firstly, and it’s just really rude as well.”
I’m not trying to blame you for our culture’s discomfort with disability and sexuality, but I would ask you to question why you immediately began mentally problematising sex you don’t even know you’re going to have.
Sex with people without disabilities can have its own challenges too, but have you ever sat around worrying that sex with an able-bodied man would be bad? Or have you simply let yourself enjoy the frisson and the excitement that comes with getting to know someone you really like, of flirting with them, of hoping that maybe there’s a chance of you someday getting to enjoy their body? So why not do that with this person too? It frankly sounds like a lot more fun than the anxiety-fuelled projections you’re heaping onto this person right now.
As for sleeping with this man, without knowing the specifics of his condition and hearing from him, I can’t tell you what sex with him would possibly be like – just as I can’t tell what sex would be like with you, a presumably able-bodied woman; or any other able-bodied man.
Sex with this person, like sex with anyone, could have some particulars or challenges that need to be navigated. Or you both may be the best sex the other has ever had – immediately, or (far more likely) after you both learn, together. And isn’t that the glorious, hope-filled gamble we take on anyone we sleep with?
And if you are ever lucky enough to be in a position where having sex with him is a possibility, ask what he's comfortable with, what turns him on, what makes him feel good
But to get to that point, you’re going to have to actually reach a stage with him where you’re both ready and excited to have sex, and that won’t happen if you’re simultaneously obsessing over and terrified of sex with him, and keep thinking of his disability as a necessarily huge, life-limiting condition and not just a different way of experiencing the world that he has learned to navigate.
Stop thinking about him as a problem and instead, treat him like any person you’re interested in: enjoy the dating and the flirting and the process of learning about him, getting to know him, figuring out if he likes you, too.
Enjoy getting to know him in all the ways you would get to know anyone else on a date – which will likely include questions about his lifestyle, what he enjoys doing, if he enjoys travelling, what he wants from life. Then, if you continue seeing each other, ask him to tell you about his disability – not so you can imagine what sex with him would be like, but so you can understand his life, his needs, challenges and accomplishments.
Be open to being informed and corrected, but also don’t be complacent about learning. Do some reading and research about his condition, look up how to be a good ally and support to people with disabilities.
And if you are ever lucky enough to be in a position where having sex with him is a possibility, ask what he’s comfortable with, what turns him on, what makes him feel good, and whether there are particular things he’d like you to do, or that he’d like to do to you.
Listen when he tells you. Be communicative, and respectful, and enthusiastic.
You know, just like with anyone else.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer (max 200 words), you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
