"God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of 'parties' with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear." – Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.
Christmas is supposed to be all about good cheer and revelry, meeting up with friends in heaving pubs and spending time with family. What nobody likes to acknowledge though is that the festive season can be lonely for those who have been bereaved or who are going through the breakdown of a relationship. There isn’t always a tangible reason why people feel isolated during the most hyped time of the year and of course, loneliness isn’t just confined to Christmas.
Former secondary school guidance counsellor turned psychotherapist Ann Irwin sees a lot of young people in her practice in Ballincollig, Co Cork. She says that admitting to loneliness is taboo. “That’s because it makes you feel like a bit of a loser, but people really need to realise that loneliness is an essential part of being alive, because loneliness is about loss – and we all lose.
“We lose friends. People move in and out of our lives. Relationships break up. Families break down. Loneliness is so absolutely normal and is the flipside of loving. There is no other way to love without experiencing loss.”
Loneliness can be acute among teenagers “because they’re going through the phase of trying to develop a sense of self that is separate from their parents. They are trying to establish who they are, independent of their parents and family. ‘What do I think? What do I believe in?’ are the kind of questions they’re asking themselves. They wonder how much of what has been fed to them do they accept.”
With the diminishing influence of the Catholic Church, Irwin says there is a vacuum in many people's lives. When she asks adolescents what they believe in, they often respond that they don't believe in God as such but "they believe in something that's good and they try to be good. I think that's about young people trying to find maps for themselves. For some, it's a really hard journey."
Irwin says that in rejecting Catholicism, people can forget some of its perfectly acceptable values such as “being kind to people. In Ireland, I think we forget the bit where Jesus says ‘love others as you love yourself’, but there is often no loving yourself. You have to love yourself, have respect for yourself, have good boundaries and speak up for yourself. That helps young people to be grounded and to have a sense of who they are.”
Social media is a big part of young people's lives, but Irwin says that "while some of it can be good, it can also be appalling. You can have quick communication and access information on the internet but there's a serious downside. Social media such as Facebook is a curse. It creates the illusion of everybody else having the most wonderful life. For people who are lonely, it's frightening, but what people don't consider is that a photograph was taken (and posted) in a minute, but that night out may have ended in disaster with people throwing up from drink or fighting with their friends. It's such a false wallpaper and makes people insecure."
Irwin says that young people who are uncomfortable with social media should get off it. “Don’t buy into it. Just do your own thing. Meet your friends, talk on the phone and when you have something important to say to your friends, say it face to face. That way, you get to read the person’s body language.”
The over-consumption of alcohol at Christmas time is a cliché and many young people don’t need an excuse to over-indulge. “The amount of drinking that young people do is terrifying and there’s a lot of drug use around as well. I’d be more concerned about alcohol because it’s so socially acceptable. Part of it is Dutch courage in that you feel more chilled and closer to people when you’re in the good phase of drinking. Social anxiety and the fear of not being liked goes away with drink. At a certain level of drinking, people are more honest before they start getting sloppy.”
Sloppiness aside, Christmas can be a tough time because it comes with such high expectations. “There’s the romanticising of it and all the magic about it, but frequently, the expectations are too high and things don’t happen the way people want them to happen. There’s probably too much togetherness among people. If there are already tensions in a family, rows can develop and you end up revisiting all the things that annoy you about your brother or sister.”
Christmas, it is often said, is for children. For older members of the family, it can be overwhelming. All those photographs on social media of friends (and acquaintances) whooping it up can make you feel desolate if you’re feeling lonely. If feelings of isolation are acute, you should confide in a trusted person and consider attending a counsellor.
COPING WITH LONELINESS
Get busy: Keeping yourself busy is a really effective way of dealing with loneliness. If you're in a situation where you're bored or can't find a job, volunteer with something you care about or think you might be interested in. Feeling needed and useful is really important sometimes.
Know you're not alone: Loneliness doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. For example, leaving secondary school or college to do something new can be a scary time for everyone. Being unemployed is also stressful. Remember that everyone goes through lonely periods in life.
Boost your self esteem: A lack of confidence can hold you back in social situations. Meeting new people can be stressful when you don't feel good about yourself. Think of one thing about yourself that others admire and build on that.
Enjoy your own company: It might feel weird at first if you're used to being surrounded by people, but spending time alone can be really liberating. The freedom to be alone with your thoughts can be a great way of winding down. Try to feel comfortable with just yourself for company.
Try not to worry: Feelings of loneliness often come and go during life. Sometimes, the best thing to do is accept your feelings and remember you'll probably feel better after a while. If you're persistently lonely for no obvious reason, it can be a sign of depression and something you should talk about, whether it's to family, friends or a counsellor.
Useful contacts: reachout.com; jigsaw.ie; spunout.ie; childline.ie. Contact the Samaritans at freephone 116 123.
