Q I have a moral dilemma. I recently broke off a five-year relationship and have been enjoying being single again. I met a younger guy and the chemistry is great, but I know it's not going anywhere; I'm just having fun. Then I met another young guy almost straight away who I also really like and I am having fun with him as well.
I connected with them both through Tinder and it's all so easy and convenient, but it feels wrong to see two guys at the same time.
I know I don't have a future with them and my inner Catholic is horrified by my behaviour. Deep down I just want to settle, have babies and a nice husband, and I know this behaviour is not leading me there. Help.
Scottie
A I can't say I can entirely relate to your dilemma, being a pre-Tinder times mother of two. But I do have two single girlfriends, who are both Tinder aficionados, and one recently said she knew she was in too deep when she was with a chap she had just met on Tinder.
While he dozed in the crook of her arm, she found herself scrolling through the Tinder app on her phone looking for the next match. She posited that it was only a matter of time before there are “Tinder 12-step programmes”, much like those AA employs to free users from the perils of addiction.
Not that I think you are anywhere near that stage, so don’t panic. And don’t let your inner Catholic beat you up about playing the field. After a long relationship it is no bad thing to have some fun, so don’t waste any time feeling guilty about it.
My mother always thought it very strange that we committed so early to one boyfriend or girlfriend when we could be seeing several at the same time, as was the norm in her day.
Providing you are straight about it, with both yourself and the men you are seeing, then no harm is done. Plus, that you already acknowledge the disparity between your present behaviour and your future goal shows sufficient insight and self-awareness to redress any imbalance in your current choice of partners.
Multiple connections
While there is nothing wrong with Tinder per se, and there is no doubt that it helps enable multiple connections with shiny new people – and fast – it can have us consuming people like cheap fast food: quick, easy and moreish but ultimately unsatisfying and with some rather unpleasant side effects. It has a tendency to leave us feeling empty and cheap, particularly after an aggressive binge.
Used with restraint and care, however, there is no reason why Tinder cannot be a very useful tool to help you get to where you want to be: settled with a husband and kids.
Using Tinder in an honest fashion in your mission to find Mr Right may involve a few simple adjustments.
For example, your current matches with younger men whom you deem inappropriate marriage material suggest your Tinder settings are not aligned with your goal. By which I mean, if you are 35 and wanting to settle down with Mr Right but are looking in a pool of only 23-30 year olds, then you are restricting your chances of finding him.
So adjust your settings accordingly, and make sure too that you portray a genuine image of yourself.
This will give you a real chance of finding your soulmate and not just someone attracted to a fake, idealised version of you that is Instagrammed to within an inch of its life, or a young stud with a Mrs Robinson fetish.
Using Tinder as one of your tools to help in this quest to settle and have children is a great idea, but it can’t work for you unless you set it up for such a purpose. Look for men within a realistic age range and be straight with them about who you really are.
If you want to settle down and have children, you need a like-minded partner who is after the same thing. So set your life up in such a way that makes it possible.
Other agencies
Don’t restrict yourself to your Tinder app. Get online with other dating agencies. Plenty of Fish – pof.com – and mysinglefriend.com are just two good websites to check out).
Ask friends to set you up with their appropriate single pals, go on singles holidays, speed date, whatever inspires you and helps foster genuine connections via real face time – and I don’t mean of the smartphone variety.
The sort of communication upon which good solid relationships can be based happens only in the flesh, when we are stripped bare of all our gadgetry.
Remember too that there will be plenty of others out there looking for Mrs Right and using all the tools available to them to find her – you – possibly including Tinder, and these are the guys you want to find.
Set your life up in such a way that makes this possible.
So Scottie, first and foremost, enjoy your time being single. Don’t rush into anything, but once you are clear that what you want to do is settle down and have kids, you need to start being Mrs Right.
The Grit Doctor says: Don't just talk the talk, Scottie, walk the walk. Until you do, you won't find your true match.
Ruth Field is author of Run, Fat B!tch, Run and Get Your Sh!t Together
