If having children is a joy, why are so many parents unhappy? SHEILA WAYMANhas some advice for a happier life
IT IS A JOB like no other: messy, unpredictable, frustrating – effort does not necessarily equal results – there is no potential for promotion and, what’s more, it is never finished. The usual rules of the workplace simply do not apply.
No wonder parents sometimes find the business of raising children overwhelming. And it is those who have a decade of a career behind them before starting a family who are most inclined to overcomplicate parenting.
They are used to competing with colleagues and wanting to produce results that reflect well on them. So, of course, there is much to worry about and many strategies to devise when it comes to the “right” everything – food, behaviour, exercise, education, friends, you name it – and plenty of self-reproach when it goes pear-shaped.
To compound the angst, there is the accompanying drudgery that has to be repeated day after day. It is a bit of a comedown from stimulating, intellectual and social encounters in the “real world”. When did “happy families” become an oxymoron?
A recent cover story in the New York magazine, headlined “I love my children. I hate my life”, questioned why research consistently shows that parents are less happy than their childless peers – when most of us would argue that having children is the ultimate joy in life.
However, “loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing”, as the article pointed out.
It is too easy to lose sight of the fun children bring to our lives and see only problems – real or imagined. So to “turn that frown upside down”, as my eldest son has to remind me from time to time, we canvassed a cross-section of “old hands” for tips on happier parenting. Here is a selection of their advice:
Be in the moment
Many parents spend their time looking forward to the next stage, wondering when their child will say their first word, be toilet trained, start reading, master mathematics and so on, and lose out on the “now” of parenting, says psychologist Anne O’Connor, founder of the parenting website Rollercoaster.com.
“Being so busy worrying about the next stage can stop you enjoying this one, so my advice is enjoy your children today – and tomorrow will take care of itself.”
Trust your instincts
Despite well-meaning family, friends and other parenting “experts”, no one knows better what is right for your child than you.
“You are the ultimate expert,” stresses psychologist Kate Byrne, who is a mother of seven children. “Think about how you feel about advice you’re getting. If you feel it is wrong, then it is wrong – end of story.”
Look beyond the behaviour
Another tip from Byrne is to remember that with children of any age – but especially the under-12s – the outward behaviour is a manifestation of inner feelings. “If you don’t like the way they are behaving, look at why they are behaving like that. Children act how they feel; they often don’t have words to say if they are frustrated or sad.”
Give them time
Studies show a child needs only eight minutes a day of a parent’s undivided attention to feel loved, valued and secure, according to Sheila O’Malley of Practical Parenting. When you meet your child’s need for attention, you will notice they will blossom and co-operate with you.
Make time for yourself too
We need to give to ourselves in order to give to our child, says O’Malley. For working parents who feel guilty about spending too much time away from their children, spending every available moment outside the office with them is not the answer. It is important to recognise that taking time out to meet a friend, go for a walk, resume a hobby, will send you home a happier parent – and your children will be happier as a result.
Don’t neglect your relationship
The arrival of a baby is an all-consuming event for a couple and it changes the roles and rules. You need to talk about the impact the baby is having on your relationship, advises Yvonne Jacobson of the Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service.
“Don’t lose sight of being a couple by just being parents. Establish ways of spending time as a couple, in whatever way suits – even just going out for a cup of coffee together. Don’t bring the baby absolutely everywhere you go.”
Set boundaries
Family life is much more harmonious when children know their limits and when those limits are applied, consistently, firmly and kindly, says Joan Barrett of New Dawn Coaching.
“Most people are either able to be firm but not say it in a kind way, or kind but not firm. Parents must be able to be firm and kind at the same time; this helps the child to feel respected and, in turn, will show respect to the parents.”
A sense of humour
This is vital from day one but can be particularly useful when acerbic comments start flying, suggests Martina Newe, co-founder of Help Me To Parent.
She recalls how a friend challenged a teenage daughter about the amount of make-up she was putting on to go out for the night, saying she never did that at her age. “That is why you only got dad,” was the teenager’s prompt retort.
Join in the fun
If you tend to get bogged down in work, chores and chauffeuring, maybe you need to schedule “fun time” with them.
Jill Holtz, director of mykidstime.ie, says she aims to do this at least once a week, “so I don’t feel pressured if it is not possible every day”. Recently she and her eldest daughter, who is nearly nine, spent an hour each day for a week teaching themselves new card games, while making sure to play a game of Go Fish each time with her five-year-old sister. “Beforehand I usually feel like I am too busy to do this,” says Holtz, “but once we start playing I find myself enjoying playing the game as well!”
Don’t hang back, dad
Fathers who are much less involved in parenting than mothers – either by choice or being forced to stand back – sometimes need to be told how important they are, says the chief executive of the Parents’ Advice Centre in Belfast, Pip Jaffa.
“Research tells us they do an equally good job as mothers. Dads need to be fans of dads, and mums need to be fans of dads – children certainly are.”
Sing out
“When the going gets tough, sing really loud!” is advice which one committee member of the Irish Multiple Births Association gives to parents expecting more than one baby. It certainly works for Catherine McGovern, a mother of 19-month-old twin girls, who lives in Rathfarnham, Dublin.
“It shocks the babies into stopping crying and you feel like you’ve officially gone mad, and you can laugh about it! It’s a great stress reliever.”
Keep illnesses in perspective
“I only have to hear a sneeze from one of the kids and I fall apart,” says David Caren, founder of dad.ie. He reckons that is a fairly typical response among fathers.
“When you have more than one child you can be sure that any illness will pass on to the next one. But I have learned to accept that it is an immune-building exercise, which benefits the little ones in the long run, and to remember that there are ‘seriously’ sick children out there. Stock up on vitamin C!”
Spring an outing
Surprise a child with a “spur of the moment” decision to go somewhere, suggests Rita O’Reilly , manager of Parentline.
“You have it planned but suddenly say, ‘Let’s do it today’.” It is great for one-on-one bonding if a parent can do this with an individual child – just make sure you do it with each in turn. Her son still talks about the time she whisked him off to the Aran islands. “What seems like slightly out of character makes it even more special for the child.”
Steal a ‘duvet day’
School attendance inspectors look away now . . . Carolynn Doyle, a mother of four who reorganises other people’s homes through her business Family Flow, swears by the occasional “duvet day”, when you stay home and don’t send your children to school in the middle of term.
“Spend the day doing fun things that cost nothing but time – time that you never seem to have – chatting, drawing, baking, putting family photos into frames for around the house. This time shared is extra precious and has a giddy quality to it that your children will always remember.”
Trust your young adult children
Parents don’t stop worrying when their children turn 18 but it might ease their minds if they trusted their offspring to make reasonable decisions, based on the way that they have grown up, says Sue Jameson of Cuidiú, the Irish Childbirth Trust, who has raised three children.
In other words, have faith in your own parenting. “They may appear to go berserk but they really don’t. They don’t stray very far.”
However, it is vital that they are allowed to make the most hideous mistakes, she adds. “It is only by getting something wrong, you learn what you should have done.”
Buy a bigger bed
That is my own advice to all expectant parents. The best thing my husband and I did when I was first pregnant was to buy a super-king-size bed – not that we knew at the time how invaluable it would be.
We may have failed miserably at persuading our first son to sleep in the cot, but at least there was plenty of room in the bed for three . . . and then four. And no they are not still there – well, not often.
