Stopping the treadmill with your tummy, and where you might need to use Vaseline

- My clothes spend more time in the washing machine than they do in my wardrobe. The increase in the amount of laundry since I started regular exercise is ridiculous.

- Everyone has an opinion about how best to exercise. All of it needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, even advice from experts: one advised me only to exercise in loose-fitting clothes. I replied that if I had loose-fitting clothes, I wouldn’t be exercising.

- I now own only loose-fitting clothes. I am still exercising. I am full of contradictions. For example, I will moan if I can’t find a parking space right beside the gym door.

The gym

- If you accidently press the emergency stop button on a treadmill with your stomach . . . well, that’s definitely a sign you’re in the right place. (This may or may not have happened to me.)

- The bigger the poseur in a gym, the more noise they make with free weights. This is a universal rule. There are no exceptions.

- Watching other people work out is not as useful as you might think. You cannot absorb their fitness benefit. (Judging is not exercise.)

- When you are running on a treadmill and someone is beside you, a weird competition begins in your mind. Is it possible the person beside you is thinking the same thing?

- The picture-guides on the sides of gym equipment were put there by people who have never needed picture-guides to use gym equipment.

- Never ask someone who looks like the resident expert for advice on how to use an exercise machine. Invariably, they are using the equipment incorrectly.

- There is no way to look cool in a gym. As with sex, if you look cool, you’re probably not doing it right.

Cycling

- Every single person who uses the bike schemes that are now in several Irish cities appears to have freakishly long legs. I have never used one that didn’t require the seat to be lowered – and I’m 6ft tall. This is a constant source of amazement.

- Go for a cycle early in the morning. The later in the day it gets, the less appealing it gets. It’s best to get out there pedalling before your brain has woken up to talk you out of the madness.

Running

- There is no discernible etiquette for what to do when you meet a fellow jogger in public. Should I wave? I’m going to wave. Maybe I shouldn’t. Okay, they’re not even looking up, so I’m not going to wave. Damn! They’ve waved. Too late to wave back. They must think I’m very rude.

- Jogging up behind someone on a quiet path is equally difficult. Sometimes, you just know you’re going to give someone a fright. Do you tell them not to worry, that you’re not a sweaty mugger?

- If you are undressing behind a tree before a fun run, don’t be alarmed if a half-dressed man approaches holding a jar of Vaseline.

- Even if this half-dressed man approaches holding a jar of Vaseline, while pointing to his private parts, there’s still no reason to be alarmed.

- Apparently, Vaseline is used by joggers to avoid chafing. It’s rubbed between the thighs and on the nipples before long runs. There was a very, very long silence before this was explained to me.

- There are all kinds of obstacles on the roads and paths of Ireland – potholes, dog poo and other delights – specially designed to test the endurance, patience and reflexes of walkers, joggers and runners. Jumping them does not make you a Crossfit or steeplechase athlete, whatever you tell yourself.

Step by step
- Intellectual approach to losing weight
- Most apps on straps are rubbish
- My daughter is trying to kill me
- It's not you, it's me. Hold on, it's you
- You don't have to turn into an ass
- I met my next child's godfather at a race
- It's tough when momentum runs out
- No sweetness, and lite everything
- Stopping the treadmill with your tummy
- When it's my turn to make dinner . . .
- The kitchen table looks out for us
- Skinny friend eats like an elephant
- Tomorrow we diet
- How to get back into exercise
- At what age do you fall apart?
- I'd jog for wine
- I'm a binge drinker
- What if losing weight makes you sad?
- 12 months later, time for health tips
- The ultimate global deception