An English teacher called Mr Murray set me off on the road to journalism and to writing by reading out an essay of mine to our first-year class in Naas CBS.
I suffered at the time from the fairly common condition expressed by Dr Abraham Low of Recovery Inc in words such as: “You want to be superior but you fear you are not even average.”
So this unexpected affirmation lit a fire in me and shaped much of my life, seeking praise from teachers and later learning how to write for newspapers and, still later, how to write poetry.
I was reminded of Mr Murray when I read in Dr Kristin Neff's book Self Compassion that "research shows that self-esteem is more strongly influenced by the perceived judgments of strangers than close friends and family".
I doubt if similar praise from my parents would have had the same transformative effect as the reading out of the essay to a class by a teacher who was, after all, essentially a stranger to me.
It provides an answer to a man who lamented to me that a son who had steadfastly ignored his career advice took that advice only when it came to him from an uncle who visited rarely.
And it fits in with the observation that some children from dysfunctional families survive and thrive if an outsider such as a teacher or relative takes a benevolent interest in them.
This can go wrong if the person spends all their time trying to impress strangers. The psychologist William James suggested that one of the ways we raise our self-esteem is by getting better and better at the things we are good at (the other is by disparaging things we are not good at).
Drug of praise
Getting better and better sounds like a great idea, but here’s the problem with it: when do you actually get to enjoy what you do? When do you stop working for the drug of praise?
In my case, I am proud of the countless hours I put in learning to write for newspapers and learning to write poetry. But because I saw both as ways of boosting my self-esteem by impressing strangers, I cannot say I have got to enjoy them as much as I might have: there was always another horizon ahead. And though my poetry was published in good places and in a book, I almost dropped it when I discovered that nobody gives a damn whether you write it or not.
That’s the trouble with tying things into your self-esteem – it takes the good out of them.
As we use the praise of others to boost our self-esteem, we can go through life performing like a puppy in a Facebook video hoping that people will go on “liking” us. If we get enough likes, we can feel good about ourselves and if we don’t, we feel bad.
Cruel deception
There is a cruel deception here. Kristin Neff notes research which shows that “people with high and low self-esteem are equally liked by others”.
So you don’t have to spend all that time proving to yourself that it’s okay to feel good about yourself by never resting and always being better and better at what you do. You can instead try being “good enough” at what you do and actually enjoy yourself.
But low self-esteem feels bad and it’s understandable that we try to escape from it. Neff suggested we try replacing the demand for high self-esteem with self-compassion. This means you will try to be a friend to yourself not only on those occasions when you feel superior but also at those times when you are not even average.
This, she suggests, is a better way forward than desperately trying to boost self-esteem by impressing strangers.
I am glad that Mr Murray read out that essay, though. I don’t know how I would have ended up if he hadn’t: there are worse places to be than the places I have been or the places I still hope to be.
Padraig O’Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email.