Q I just don't know how I am ever going to have sex with my husband again. It's as if I have no sexual feelings left; perhaps the kids have killed them off completely. To be honest, I reckon I could never have sex again and not miss it, but it's making my husband so unhappy. I just don't desire him or anyone else and that's the truth. Can I grit my way back into it? Aly
A. For once, I'm not sure grit is the answer in this case: the idea of gritting one's way through is just too awful to contemplate. But look, a lot of married mums can relate to what you say either from having experienced it or knowing of someone who has. As I see it, Aly, you can go one of two ways from here.
Either you do nothing and resign yourself to a sexless marriage and hope your husband will live with this and not seek solace elsewhere, or you take positive action. Obviously, I recommend you opt for the latter course.
As for what action to take, you can do anything that helps you reawaken your sexual soul, because whether or not you want to believe it, she is there, just sleeping through all the competing demands of motherhood. You need to practise the art of intimacy, which begins with getting intimate with yourself.
It is hard when desire fades within a marriage and sexual intimacy can be displaced. The mistake we can make is to assume, when obvious desire is absent, that the possibility of sexual intimacy also vanishes. This is not the case. It is just that the rules have changed.
You have to find new ways of generating that sexual intimacy because it is no longer driven by simple desire and ignited through the old familiar channels. What about fantasising over the husband you first fell in love with, focusing on those peculiar qualities that you really fancied about him when you first met?
Or, to introduce the grit that deserted me earlier, what about imagining him having an affair with a nubile 20-year-old: or imagining yourself with a nubile 20-year-old? The feelings of faux jealousy and lust you create may just spark something of that old desire.
Comfort each other If you still love your husband, find a way to reconnect with him sexually or that love you share will lose one of its most precious facets.
The sexual act is a gift that within marriage and family life finds a completely different expression to before. It is the perfect way to comfort each other, to heal rifts, renew confidence, restore trust, calm fears and to be intimate. Plus, the release of the hormone oxytocin via orgasm also happens to be a brilliant, natural way to feel loving and connected.
Sex is a gift to be honoured and treasured and practised, as regularly as is to the satisfaction of you both. To discard it is a great waste and to deny a fundamental part of our humanity.
It is much the same as everything else in life, in that it requires more effort as we get older. I honestly find that running reignites my passion for life, and is the main reason I get myself outdoors regularly for a run. Not only does it soothe my aching stiff muscles and relax my whole body and mind, but it heightens all my appetites, so ramp up that side of things wherever you can.
And let’s not forget too all the incredible health benefits of sex. Much like regular exercise, it burns calories, strengthens your heart and encourages fitness. Plus, sex is a natural sleeping pill. As many women know, orgasm is a rather effective sleep aid for a lot of men. But the female orgasm is also nature’s Valium. Sex stifles anxiety, lowers stress hormones (cortisol), and can help people cope with pressure.
So, Aly, it’s time to kick-start your sexual self again. Much like regular exercise, it’s all about getting into the habit.
The Grit Doctor says
Regular exercise can help unearth sexual drive, so exercise more whenever you can. Try to remember what got you together in the first place. And, of course, if you feel there might be an underlying problem at the root of your sexual dysfunction, please talk to your GP or seek help from a counsellor or a psychosexual therapist. See relationshipsireland.com
Ruth Field is the author of Run, Fat B!tch, Run, Get Your Sh!t Together and Cut the Crap.
