Knowing what to say to someone who is bereaved can be difficult, but it’s important to say something.
But I find it really awkward
We can be worried about saying the wrong thing, or whether to say anything at all, but get some perspective, says Orla Keegan, head of education and bereavement at the Irish Hospice Foundation. “The worst has already happened to this person. If they get upset, they are rightly upset. It’s your job as a friend or neighbour to risk that and to just sit with their upset.” It’s important to acknowledge what’s happened, she says.
“Particularly in those early stages of bereavement, a person is full and bulging with that experience. To be consumed by a loss and for someone else not to acknowledge that can feel very lonely and isolating.” Don’t let your cowardice win out.
What should I say?
Acknowledge what has happened for a start. “You could say, ‘Look, I’m just so sorry to have heard what happened to your Mam … ’ So just start the conversation,” says Keegan. There are many ways to do it – face to face, by card, text, a phone call or leaving a message on RIP.ie.
Because of the pandemic, you might not have seen your friend or colleague in person since their bereavement, but the same thing applies. “Say, ‘I haven’t seen you since, but I was so sorry to hear that.’”
Don’t gabble on
Once you offer your condolences, allow the person to respond. If they respond with sadness, don’t try to jolly them out of it. “Acknowledge their sadness. You could say: ‘It must be so hard. I can see how hard it is for you.’ That way you are being with them,” says Keegan. “The person might want to tell you about what happened, to go into some of the detail. If that’s what they choose to do, listen and respond to that.”
Avoid cliches
In our awkwardness, we can say all sorts of things – “Sure, he had a long life” or “You will have another baby”. These statements can have an implicit judgment that the person’s life wasn’t as valuable or that your loss isn’t as valid, says Keegan. Never minimise a loss.
Don’t try to TedTalk them out of it
It’s not your job to be prescriptive about their grief. Telling the bereaved person to stop dwelling on it, to move on or to join a club isn’t helpful. If you ask how they are doing, then really listen to their response. Don’t time-limit or judge their grieving or come up with prescriptions.
Offer something
Other prompts for a conversation include contacting them with an offer, says Keegan. “‘Would you like to go for a walk at the weekend?’ ‘Would you like to go for a coffee?’ … You might call and say, ‘I’m at the shop, would you like me to drop in some milk on the way home?’ Be proactive.” They might not want to go for a walk one week, but a month later they might, she says. Persist.
Speak their name
A bereaved person can worry the memory of the dead won’t live on. They are thinking about them a lot, but other people may be avoiding naming them. It’s good to refer to someone. Allow natural ways of bringing the dead person into the conversation, says Keegan. “If there is a song on the radio, say ‘Mam would have loved that’, or ‘John would have loved to see Mayo win’.
Continue to remember the person.
