Q I believe my husband is faking impotence. He’s very fit, healthy and a totally fanciable man in his 40s. I’ve put on a bit of a spare tyre, but that shouldn’t matter when a couple has a back story as long and deep as ours.
Yet over the past six to eight months he’s made every excuse to avoid physical intimacy. Too tired, too stressed, headache, had a few drinks, needs to be up early, etc. At first I feared the dreaded ED (erectile dysfunction). Maybe even came to terms with it a bit, and was beginning to accept it as inevitable physical change as we get older.
Then I began to notice that there were times when there was lead in the pencil. So if the plumbing is still intact, why would he be pretending to be impotent? I’m confused, deeply frustrated and hurt. I’ve been afraid to bring it up with him as it’ll expose my sneakiness and, worse, may prompt him to admit what I really fear – that he’s having an affair.
I could accept him being turned off by the saggy boobs and flabby tum, but that started long before the drought began. Outside the bedroom, he’s still as affectionate, communicative and fun to be with as ever. Should I hope it’s a phase that blows over? Or confront him head-on?
A It's horrible to feel rejected when you crave the touch, intimacy and the sort of loving that makes you feel like a woman. It's cold comfort, I know, but at least one in five marriages has become a non-sex relationship (defined as sex 10 times a year or less). That doesn't mean you should stoically live with it.
Has your husband suggested that it’s ED or is it unspoken? If he has blamed ED, he needs to see his GP to rule out physical issues or seek a remedy. But, you may be surprised, if not reassured, to learn research shows that ED is often used by men as an excuse when, in fact, there is something deeper going on.
Your greatest fear is that he's having an affair. I'm sure you have heard the Oprah truism that if you suspect there's an affair, there is an affair. But don't confront him, advises Pat Grange, counsellor with Relationships Ireland. "If your suspicions are groundless this can further damage the relationship, so it's probably best to consult with a relationship expert before making your suspicions known," he says.
You question your own attractiveness, perhaps because your husband’s rejection has you feeling unattractive. Research into the male perspective on sexless marriage shows that one-third of men blame their slumping sex drive on their wives having gained too much weight (two-thirds say their partner is not sexually adventurous enough). These are just excuses. “In our experience many men use these explanations as excuses for more deep-seated reasons and you are right not to buy in to simplistic explanations based on popular misconceptions of what men are supposed to find sexually attractive,” Grange says.
Often a lack of sex points to communication issues, which may be masked by both partners putting on a good face. “In our experience a lot of men in these situations are angry with their wives and withdrawing sexually from the relationship as a way of expressing that. For example, they may say their wife is critical and controlling and they react by shutting down sexually.”
You don’t seem to think your husband is mad at you, though. Are you angry? In relationships therapy, counsellors tend to see many women go from feeling hurt, as you do, to feeling angry. The more hurt they feel, the angrier they get. That’s understandable in reaction to rejection, but it is very counterproductive as it makes their partners even less likely to want to have sex with them.
But you say that you still fancy your husband and that he is still affectionate and communicative outside the bedroom. This could be your greatest strength. Can you talk to him in terms of your own feelings, and speak from the heart about how vulnerable you feel, how you are missing the sexual relationship with him and want to be closer to him? In a subtle way, you can show him that you still desire him. “Try to compliment him any time he approaches anything sexual, even though it’s not overtly sexual,” Grange suggests.
It’s counterproductive when women – I’m not saying you – start criticising or blaming their partners’ lack of desire, as the underlying issues aren’t about performance (you won’t know this unless your husband sees the doctor).
You want to know what's going on with your husband. Only he knows, but there are possibilities, suggests Tony Moore, also with Relationships Ireland. Does your husband, despite his good cheer on the surface, feel that emotional intimacy has been lost? Is he using porn to ease his sexual frustration?
What you do is up to you. I think you need some expert and sensitive help with this. Maybe it will blow over, but the underlying problems – which you may be unaware of – may still be there.
You care about your marriage and have a strong "back story", so use those strengths to overcome this.
Helpful reading: The Sex-Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis; Why Men Men Stop Having Sex, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships and What You Can Do About It, by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz.