Pooches in Burberry? Canine hotels? American dogs are pampered like no others. Just ask John Ryan, writes Jane Powers
Dogs are simple creatures. All they want is basic bed and board, companionship, exercise and timely opportunities to attend to their bodily needs. And if they still have all their reproductive parts, they won't say no to a bit of sex. Anything beyond these essentials makes it all a little too complicated and worrying. No surprises, please: we're dogs. Or, rather, that's the view of most Irish canines.
If you're a New York pooch or a Hollywood hound, then many, many other things are also essential to your wellbeing and sense of style. Clothes, for instance. Coats, hats, dresses, tuxedos, shorts, sunglasses, even angel outfits: that's what the well-dressed dog is wearing this season in the Big Apple and LA. He or she may also
wear nail varnish and jewellery, attend yoga classes, take part in weddings and stay in classy canine hotels with television and room service (with steak, chicken and turkey on the menu, all served with basmati rice and grilled vegetables).
Such attention to fashion, cuisine and the spiritual life makes our own animals seem so completely uncosmopolitan. The publisher John Ryan summed it up before the debut, in August last year, of his second US magazine, the Hollywood Dog, when he said: "In Ireland dogs are used for herding sheep. They certainly aren't wearing Burberry." It's surprising to hear that American dogs are Burberry fans - the brand can't have slipped downmarket in the US, as it has here - but never mind. The point is that, in all other matters, our mutts are hopelessly out of touch, and it hurts
when the man who shows them up is Irish.
Ryan, who features in Tails from America, a new RTÉ True Lives documentary, has risen phoenix-like from the ashes of the spectacularly ill-conceived Stars on Sunday tabloid (it died after nine issues), which he co-published. After just three months in New York, where he fled after the collapse of the Irish Sunday
paper (and the loss of the ¤500,000 investment), he borrowed $150,000 (¤120,000) and launched his first American title, the New York Dog. He was on to a winner. He realised that a city whose eight million humans own three million dogs would welcome a magazine celebrating its canines. Not only are New Yorkers endowed with a strong sense of identity; they also like shopping. "There's just so much money here, you see," he says in the documentary, glowing like the cat who has been given the cream.
Advertisers were soon queuing up to tout their wares. "By issue number three we were way ahead of any projections." The US pet industry is worth $36 billion (¤28 billion) a year, having more than doubled in the past decade, so it was an obvious
step for Ryan to expand his operation. The following year he launched the Hollywood Dog with all the flair appropriate for the home of the movie industry. "We're trying to put together 200 to 250 goody bags," he says breathlessly during the pre-event kerfuffle. "There's so much stuff up there we could literally open a
shop this afternoon." The bags contain clothes, toothpaste, conditioner and nail polish - all for dogs. It's not clear whether the samples of the $3,000 (€2,300) perfume that are also included are for humans or pets.
The success of the two magazines, which turn over $3 million (€2.3 million) a year, lies in their over-the-top format. Their style emulates that of a high-end women's glossy, with pages and pages of sumptuous photographs, glamorous clothes, accessories, jewellery, health and beauty products, and even articles on
sexuality - "My Dog is Gay (not that there is anything wrong with that)". This combination of gorgeousness and jaunty cleverness is irresistible to the thousands of overstressed and overpaid dog-owners who subscribe. Surely, they must think,
Rover or Rex will be better loved, happier and healthier if they buy a copy - and some of the stuff advertised in its pages.
In a country where Irishness is an attraction, Ryan's accent, wit and charm are valuable assets. So is his Mexican sidekick, Winky, a one-eyed chihuahua that prances through the hour-long documentary in his pink designer pullover.
Maybe Irish dog-owners should sit up and take notice. Canine life could be so much more civilised over here if our dogs weren't running around with no clothes on, like a bunch of animals.
True Lives: Tails from America is on RTÉ1 on Tuesday, September 5th, at
10.15pm